Hangin' out in the Hammer

Is there anything more vile than these? This is pure Hamilton - so tacky, honky tonk and disgustingly perverted. Ugh. It's sad that this week alone, I have driven up behind 3 different vehicles - usually pick up trucks - with these hanging from their bumper.

*gag*

And I'm shocked that I'm not finding anyone date-able in this city.

Long Weekend Lalalala

Ah, the long weekend. Typically, I stay in town and lament that it seems everyone else is doing something more fun. Not this year! I was adamant about getting out of the city, so SB and I headed north to my family cottage near Huntsville. The weather was beautiful - very unusual for the May long weekend and we spent most of the time swimming and sunning (roasting) on the dock. This dock.

I am bitten and burned beyond recognition. And it doesn't help that I didn't notice the string of my bathing suit - so my back is tomato red with a white stripe down the middle.

Besides the sunning, we walked 10 km into "town". Kearney - as hick as it sounds, the biggest little town. I didn't think we'd end up walking the whole way but rewarded ourselves with french fries and a LCBO stop. Naturally, we really didn't want to walk all the way back, so we hitchhiked. Actually hitchhiked. Several cars drove right back, probably because we were carrying a bottle of booze and one of us was wearing a shirt that had something about a dirty cowgirl. Ma and Pa Muskoka aren't stopping for that type of riffraff.

Eventually a young guy stopped (natch) and we jumped in. Rescue Dave, as he was dubbed, took us all the way home and it turned out his cottage was right across the road from ours. Fast friends. Rescue Dave came by with Sunglasses Kenny and Weirdo John to take us ATV-ing. I helmet-ed up and somehow Shari did not. Turned out well that way, as I was the one to take a tumble. Sunglasses Kenny was the crazy driver and Winnie Cooper hadn't been ATV-ing before.

Surely showing off, we went way off-road, scaling rocks, swamps, hills and rocks again. I don't remember how it happened but I just remember being thrown from the ATV, landing on my back and watching as the huge machine started rolling on top of us. I willed myself not to scream. It didn't work.

SB later told me that when we saw me go down, she was thinking, "Oh great, she's going to cry and she's going to want to go to the hospital." Probably sensing that, I resisted that reaction and hopped right back on like a trouper. I wanted to wear my sunglasses so got rid of the goggles, which resulted in handfuls of dirt in my face. I've been crunching sand for 2 days.

Later on, we went boating, venison-eating and smore-making. Great weekend and although I'm in all sorts of pain and covered in bruises, I wouldn't have changed a bit.

Oh, and in between all of that, I finished this puzzle. Yep, I'm a wild and crazy gal.

On the drive home, I had a lovely lap picnic as SB and I did the Proust Questionnaire - great distractions from the Victoria Day traffic.

Buyer Beware

Searching in vain for a very specific item for an upcoming event and came across this product description:

Product Highlights:
- Made from reusable plastic.
- Easy to store in your backpack or toiletry bag.
- Each cup comes with its own storage lid.
*This product contains chemicals, including lead, known to the state of California to cause cancer and birth defects or other reproductive harm.*

What?! How is still being sold?

However, I'm so desperate to find this item that if it were exactly what I need, I would get it, lead be damned!

Weekly Bodice Rippers

Garage sale-ing is in full swing - up at 7am Saturday to go out with the girls. I'm hunting wicker patio furniture, a cheap bike, an even cheaper lawnmower and coffee mugs. I found a wicker chair for $2 and too much glass to count. I don't know why, but I have an obsession with glass - vases, stemware, whatever - if it's glass, I'm buying it.

We stumbled across a massive collection of Harlequin romance novels that brought me to tears - so hysterical. Dru and I were dying as we read the titles. Who reads these? No, really. Have you ever read one? I once read a Danielle Steele on vacation just to see what the big deal was and how she's selling so many books. Blah.

But I have never read a bodice ripper like these. I've started a new addition to the blog (see column at right). Each week, I'll post another title. Enjoy.

Today is brought to you by purple/almost pitch black calla lillies.

This picture doesn't do them justice, they are so unique.

That is all.

A little P&Q is A-OK

There is something to be said for living the simple life. Listening to some of my friends' tales of drama and chaos lately has really made me appreciate the seemingly dull week I'm having. While they are stressing, indulging in toxic company, trying to steer their life back on course, I am coasting along serenely. Ok, a little dull.

I go to work, come home, check the mail, go to the gym, come home, make dinner, cut flowers for my bedside table, putter around, read, write some letters while listening to Marvin Gaye or Lily Allen, watch a movie, have a bubble bath and go to bed. Once this week I have shaken things up by visiting a friend or having a shower instead of a bath, but it's been a very low-key, simple week.

I've gotten rid of the drama in my life, streamlined to only include the people that mean something to me and am just focusing on myself. I know that next week will pick up and life will one day soon include some drama again, but for the time being, I'm really enjoying the peace.

However, I did have the thought this week on a rainy Tuesday, while eating soup (yes, I am now a person who buys and eats soup from a can, but surprisingly it was very warm and comforting): "I'm living the life of someone who has a cat."

That's enough motivation to shake it up.

No offense K or S. :)

Still More Randomness

You know you've been watching too much 30Rock when you write "Blerg" in someone's birthday card.
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I'm pretty sure today was the first time I began an email with the sentence, "This is highly suspicious." I have an ad up on Kijiji and Craigslist to sell my old bedroom set (a beautiful set in impeccable condition if anyone's interested! You'll get a blog-reader's discount), and this totally sketchy woman emailed me.

She might as well have said that she was a Nigerian prince who needs my help to get millions out of an African bank. She ended her 'highly suspicious' email with the line, 'have a nice time'. So weird!! And yet, I know how some people get scammed, because a part of me still is holding out that she wants to buy it legitimately.

Blerg is right!
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I (accidentally) turned the heat too low on my tenants again this weekend. This prompted a 1am phone call while I was in Toronto, unable to do anything about it. Felt very, very bad and left a sincerely contrite message for them after cranking the heat when I got home.

Now, I've had the heat so high all week. I'm waiting for them to call for me to lower it. This is the third time it's happened - not good, Winnie, not good. I can't very well ask them for the password for free internet now!

Randomness

Remember hitchhikers? You never see them anymore. I saw one on the entrance to the highway in Grimsby recently. A real Ramblin' Joe. Old man, seemingly stuck in the 60s with Jack Kerouac, beard, plaid. Are there still people that get around this way in North America?

For a certain type of person, I can see the romanticism in it. Meeting interesting people along the way, going wherever the wind or someone's Ford Windstar will take you.
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I am compiling a list of my Top Ten Favourite Songs of All Time. Basically a list of songs that I enjoy every single time I hear them, regardless of mood. It's a long process, one I expect to complete by age 63. I'm being very selective - even Spice Girls haven't made the cut yet. So far, this is what I've got:

- If You Had My Love - Jennifer Lopez (before she was J-Lo)
This song has nice, funny memories attached to it and I just really like it. No shame here.

- Brick - Ben Folds Five

- Nelly - Ride Wit Me
Even though he forgot the 'h', this song always makes me happy. Especially when played in the car with the windows down on a sunny day.
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Is it bad that when I have letters to mail, I usually avoid using mailboxes in sketchy or rough areas of town for two reasons:

1. I feel like the postal workers view these areas as lower status and do not prioritize them highly. Yes, it's awful, but I feel like some probably think the poor don't send as much mail and don't collect as frequently.

2. In sketchy areas of town, I have an unsubstantiated feeling that hoodlums pour sodas and snowballs into mailboxes for fun.

I know, it's ridiculous, but these two stupid things affect my mailbox choices. Shameful Yuppiness.

But I do wonder the statistics for mail collection across a city. Perhaps I will use my library skills to pull up this information. Or ask a real practicing librarian. Or forget about this entirely. Hmm.

Ransom paid in full!

My stereo has held my Amy Winehouse cd hostage for the better part of two years. It took one screwdriver, 15 minutes and some gentle tugging to free her. I then spent an additional 15 minutes wondering if I'm the only person on the planet who still uses cds and worrying about what will happen when they no longer make them.
Then, I went out and bought a new cd player - did you know they are SO cheap now!?

Free Money!!

The BEST thing happened yesterday on my way home from work. I was driving down Main Street in the middle of the 4 lane road, coming up to a stoplight. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw something fluttering on the road beside me. I looked closer and it was a $10 bill.

Since I've already told you how much I enjoy free things, I don't need to explain why I threw my car into neutral and jumped out into traffic. But it was a windy day yesterday, my friends. So, I am literally chasing this $10 bill around on the road while making cars stop for me. I finally stamped on it with my foot and it was mine. All mine. I wasn't even at all embarrassed.

As I'm sprinting back to my idling car, I see another bill floating around - a $20!!! Naturally I scooped that up too and got back in my car. If the light hadn't turned green I could have possibly found more. I was grinning like an idiot all evening.

Later, a friend asked if I looked around to see if it belonged to anyone on the sidewalk. Truth is, no, and I didn't even think about that possibility. I just drove away. Where it came from, I don't know, but I like to think it is a generous millionaire who once a day just throws bills out the window of his penthouse in the hopes that some deserving and appreciative 20-something girl will find them.

Well, she did. And she is thankful.

Wheeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!

Take it!!

I have one of these clocks. I bought it a while ago, haven't used it and then when I went to put it in my house - turns out I don't really like it!

Anyone? Anyone? Free. Otherwise, it goes to a garage sale with the rest of my stuff.

Spill on...

I've always liked this saying and its presentation. It's too bad that it is now on everything - from coasters to mugs to blankets. There is even a variation - "Keep Calm and Eat A Cupcake". Yeah, not quite the same.

I remember I first saw this poster at the FDCC years ago in what was the most stressful meeting in my life, to date. It made me take a deep breath and continue. I then proceeded to spill water on the president of the FDCC. Twice. I was made to go sit at another table.

Return to Sender

I love getting mail. I have been lucky to make friends with people who still write letters, so it's not all bills and offers of free gym memberships.

However, I was not expecting to see this when I opened my mailbox yesterday.

It's a gas pump thingy. Who could have left this? Why? How do you even use it? I'm thinking it could be some sort of gang symbol. Maybe I'm subtly being asked if I want to become a member of the gang since I'm new to the neighbourhood. I'd prefer a nice Crane card for something like that though.

Actually, now that I think of it, I woke up the other day and my garden hose was all spread out over my driveway. So, either there is a pack of industrious possums, a lazy homeowner (no! I put it back properly) or another sort of gang marking.

Garden hose + gas pump (vaguely hose related) = Hamilton Hos initiation?? If I receive a pair of pantyHOSE this week, it's official. Perhaps they need someone to take the minutes of their meetings. Or assist in gang invitation symbolism.

Neighbourhood Notes

Spent a lovely weekend around my house. Turns out yard work really sucks. It's back-breaking work and I really don't have the shoes for it yet. Luckily my lovely parents showed me the ropes and I'll forgive Dad for using my new Henkels knife for weeding.

Love the whole process of getting everything organized. Happily spent time at Bulk Barn getting spices (did you know that spices are so cheap!!!??? I got 12 different ones for $4.32).

It's sort of sick how much I enjoy organizing, puttering and doing things around my house to make it just the way I want it. I even love garbage day because I am so organized with my recycling and I think the neighbours should be impressed with what I put out.

My neighbourhood is quite lovely. This is what I wake up to every day. Ok, so it's not my yard, but adjacent flowers do the trick too. Plus less work.

Many of the homes are really nice and the flowers are up everywhere. Sure, I did see a random guy fighting with a garbage bag on the way home last night, but that was, like, blocks away. Blocks. But really, he was punching and kicking the garbage bag like it had said something bad about his mother. Trash talked, if you will.

I'm giggling over here about my puns. Sigh.

First impressions...

Ok, I am so sick of seeing these AWFUL billboards and signs all over town. I don't know anything about Michael Lamont but I strongly suggest he fire his PR guy. Who said this picture was a good one to put out there?!?!? He looks so disinterested, tired, rude and pretty stoned actually.

And these pictures are absoloutely everywhere in Hamilton. Does he not know how bad he looks? Or is this just his typical face? If so, no picture is better than this picture. Does he not have someone close to him that would tell him the truth?

How about a smile? Some sincerity.

Bleh.

Look closer...

Here's another one to add to the "Paul is a Creeper" file.

The Have Nots

I don't have Internet at home - this accounts for the infrequent posting.

I don't have cable at home - this accounts for the 30Rock DVD viewing.

I don't have a can opener at home - this means NO SOUP FOR ME!!

I don't have laundry facilities at home - this means I am behaving like a college student who takes their laundry home to Mom. Although I truly enjoy doing laundry, it's pretty great. Thanks Mom!

I don't have a green thumb - at home or anywhere - this means I have now killed 2 orchids. Orchids should not be sold to just anyone. They should come with their own gardener or caregiver who will come by every other day to take care of it. I now have a pot full of dead sticks on my mantle.

I don't have a lawnmower at home - I am expecting a call from the neighbours any day now to complain about the unsightly view of my front lawn. I think a dog went missing in the long grass. I keep hear whimpering. Or a small child, I guess.

I don't have time to post the "I have" list.

Double Event Craziness

Last week we had an event double header - two events in one day and the following things happened:

- I got called 'Jennifer' by someone with the last name Hemberger. A caterer. I can't make this stuff up.

- A lunatic client gave me the finger and an ever classy "F**k You!!" It was a good day.

- I asked a girl working for us "Are you drunk? No? Are you sure? You must be high at least." I then sent her home.

- Aforementioned client attempted to take the 400lb ice sculpture home at the end of the night. In a cooler. In her van.

- We hired a real life, honest-to-goodness fairy.

Yep, this is my job.

Last night I found myself in Niagara Falls at what can only be described as a cougar disco dance party. 150 women aged 35 to 60 dressed in various feathers, tie-dye and neon dancing to their peers' karaoke and attempting to mount a pogo stick and unicycle. I oversaw this craziness while trying to master the hula hoop. Turns out you need to have hips to do the hula hoop.

My job is unique, I will say that for sure.

Come ON people!

WHY WHY WHY do people insist on calling me Michelle!??!

No offence to the Michelles of the world - I know a couple really nice ones, but that is not MY name!

Today, already (it's only 12:33pm) I have been called Michelle 3 times over the phone and once in an email! Don't people read all the words in an email!?

It's so freakin' annoying.

That's all.

Movin' on in...

I have moved in!!! I'm loving it, but still not fully unpacked or used to bumping my head on the low ceilings. Or the shower pressure. Honestly, if someone dribbled water out of their mouth, it would be better than what I've got over there. But then there would be the uncomfortable kinky situation with water dribbler guy...

I've been grocery shopping and have found the following things remarkable:

- this is hands-down the best mayonnaise I have ever tried. If ever a food could be described as silky, it is this. It's way more than mayonnaise.

- when buying bread, the options are confounding. Ancient grains, 7 grain, 12 grain 14 grain!!!! Seriously, I'm not going to buy something that says it's old right on the package and why would I buy anything other than the 14 grain? I can get double the grain content!!!

This is when I actually buy healthy bread. Typically, it's the Wonder-ful white for grilled cheese.

- it is possible to get 10 lbs of carrots for 99 cents! How is this even possible? No really. Think about it. It's like potatoes - they're the heaviest and still require work to get them out of the ground and yet they practically give them away! I bet the farmers who got into the carrot business are pretty pissed about how things worked out for them.