Monday, June 27, 2011

Fore The Love of Golf

Golf is the new thing - is anyone else noticing this? I keep getting asked if I play and I always have to relay the following story, to which they always wince.

I worked at the Hamilton Golf & Country Club for several years throughout high school and university and each summer they allowed the staff to have a tournament. The first time I ever picked up a club I was paired with my favourite bartender, fellow waitress and some snot-nosed locker boy punk. Can you see who becomes the villain in my tale?

I was pumped and eager to determine if I was a surprise wonder on the links. Despite the odd divot, look how happy I am!

We start off at the first hole and as I mind my own business, the locker boy winds up for a practice shot with the driver. Oh, he connected all right. Not sure what happened, but the next thing I know I'm down for the count and trying not to cry. That never works. I bawled. The kid's defense: "I thought you were a tree."

Amidst my tears my (ex) favourite bartender thought it would be funny to recreate the scene for a picture.

Holy crap, my legs look like matchsticks. Yes, I was still gangly at 18.

I did get back on the horse a couple times, but the first impression stuck and so, no, I don't golf. However, I am available to drive the cart and fetch drinks should the need arise.

Loopy Eyes

Caricature artists are the new cupcakes - as far as popular event things go. I think they're a great idea (you know, until they're too popular that I'm sick of them) and everyone secretly loves having a cartoon of themselves. So, while I've hired them countless times for events, I am always running around tending to crying brides, Lindsay Lohan's ashtray or a guest who is trying to steal the ice sculpture and therefore too busy to actually get one done for myself.

However, at my last event, since IT nerdy folk pretty much take care of themeselves, I was able to sit still for 7 minutes.
The trick is to come up with something to tell them before you sit down that they can draw you doing - I saw many people walk away with pictures of themselves drinking because they couldn't come up with something more creative. Fresh off my impressive badminton season I threw that idea out there.

Ummmm....not too sure about the outcome. Do my eyes really look like that? Although this version of myself is much more buxom, so that's cool.

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Still Chuckling

Under "Occupation" he put "Writer".

And I'm sure this email was some of his better work.

no game im looking someone to go out on a date with on you look really beautiful that i love to go out with you with time

Sunday, June 19, 2011

Little Grins

It's the little things that make me smile.

I "Heart" Construction

Figuring out a creative right brain way to deal with my controlling left brain need for 600 glasses to be perfectly straight.
Before: Chaos

During: Brainstorm + Cardboard

After: Much better.

Carrying beaded Mardi Gras necklaces on your wrist for 20 minutes while shopping will make you look like a leopard.

A splash of creativity in emails from potential suitors. Looking at my inbox, can you guess who I will write back?

Life, As I Know It

So this is what I've been up to.
Ottawa Road Trip

Heroic brother received a Medal of Bravery from the Governor General so I went up to celebrate with the family. And to represent the less heroic faction of my parents' children. I used to live in Ottawa back in 2007 and hadn't really been back since. It's a great little city and I think it is a great retirement destination. However, when you're in your twenties and it's Saturday night, the options are few. I went back and checked out my old apartment - and yep, the crack filled alley nearby still exists. Ottawa is much like Hamilton in that one street is great and the next is sketch-town. It was a regular occurrence to be awoken at 4am by hookers and addicts below my window. I remember a mixture of fascination at being privy to their dealings and fear that they would look up and see me.

I went for the requisite beavertail, clowned around in front of the Parliament buildings with my mom until the police car slowed in front of us, and checked out the first blooms of the tulip festival.

It was a really nice weekend but clearly the 4 hour solo drive got to me and I had my camera - bad combo.
This is me when I saw a police radar and I'm doing 125km.

This is me when I saw a sad hitchhiker.

AGH Gala
The social event of the spring season - allegedly. It was actually pretty fun and it's always great to get dressed up and get my "hair did". From this angle, my updo gave me a glimpse into what I would look like with boy hair.

I showed it to a friend and his response was, "Whoa!" and jerked backwards. Not a ringing endorsement.
Speaking of not-so-great comments about pictures of the gala someone said I look like Michelle Obama in this one.

Not sure where that came from and while it's not a diss or anything, isn't she a mother of two and at least 15 years older than me? Although, I will admit that with heels and shorter friends, I do kind of look like their chaperone. Harumph.

Dan's 30th Birthday Bash - 80s theme
I keep making the mistake and telling people it was my friend Dan's 80th birthday party. This was a wicked bash and as a member of the party planning committee that met weekly for 3 months, it was all worth it. I had the opportunity to wear my crazy 80s formal prom dress again so I'm totally getting every penny of my $12.99.

Great costumes, great food, great music, great decor (yes, those were cassette tapes hanging from the ceiling) and the dancing. Oh, the dancing. Dan had rented party lights and cleared out the living room for a throwback dance party. He got things started by using a SkipIt. Remember those?
Dan getting started:

Dan Skipping It:

Dan on the floor:

Saturday, June 18, 2011

The Freeze Out

Me: Excuse me, do you have any Freezies?

7-11 Store Clerk: Listen kid, I'm going to give it to you straight. We don't got no Freezies and we won't get them all summer.

Me (crestfallen and bristling at the tough love): Uh....

7-11 Store Clerk: Well, I figured there's no point lyin' to ya.

I settled for a pink grapefruit Slurpee. It is 10am.

At least I steered clear of the taquitos seen here.

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Lone Wedding

Sadly, besides the ones that I'm planning, I only have one wedding on my summer social schedule this year. I really love attending weddings - dressing up, open bar, cake, dancing to music you never get at clubs, and the occasional tearing up during speeches if I've had too much wine. It's all lovely.

The wedding I went to a few weeks ago was in the magical land of Woodbridge. It was my first time to the Italian mecca and it was everything I had expected it to be, but bigger. The entire place is a maze of big box stores, hairspray and tinted Honda Civics.

The wedding was only half Italian so I didn't get the full calzone experience but it was pretty awesome/hilarious. I'm talking dry ice on the dance floor awesome.

And I'm talking about the random introduction of sombreros at midnight hilarious. Side bar: somehow in the span of one week I was at two events where I was wearing a sombrero. Pulling. It. Off.

I didn't know anyone except for the person whose date I was and as I met the bride she said, "Oh your dress is so pretty!" For real. Shouldn't I be saying that to her?

After the veal and pasta but before the cheesecake pops (apparently all the rage this year - sigh) the night took an interesting turn as I ended up befriending this 10 year old girl at our table. Yeah. Not sure how this happened, but I think it started because I wanted her to go ask for more potatoes for me. And she did! Then I found her to be extremely useful and oddly fun. I'm not great with kids, but I think I've found my niche - 10 year old girls. They're at that age where someone older than them (I'm sure she thought I was 18) is still fascinating and they look up to girls that are not their mother because they're new and cool.

I remember being this age and wanting to act older and befriend the cool girls. Yes, I am that cool girl. Case in point: she was so helpful in finally getting Spice Girls played. The DJ denied my request, my date's request and my second request. Finally, I sent in the child and it was played right away. She also made me glow stick bracelets and let me have her cake. If only her parents hadn't been watching I could have had her fetch me drinks.

It was surprisingly fun and I felt that I had a small window to impart some wisdom. This is what I came up with when she said she didn't know how to dance: "No one knows how to dance. Just do what feels fun. If it's not fun, don't do it." Seriously. This is my sage advice. First of all, it sounds way to close to that awful saying frequently found on dating profiles "Dance like nobody is watching". Secondly, "If it's not fun, don't do it"? Yeah, that's not going to cause her parents any grief. Why didn't I just tell her to play in traffic and if he buys you dinner.... Ok, I need to refrain from giving out advice in the future.

Another highlight was a major celebrity sighting - funnyman Steve Carrell. In Woodbridge - who knew? I might have asked for an autograph. On my sombrero.

Attention single friends - get married already! I want to go to another wedding. Or my services are available for rent as a wedding date. I'll make "friends" with all the people at table. I will dress up and not embarrass you. Unless they play "Please Mr. Postman" and I'm near the dance floor - then all bets are off. I will not be the DD but I will let you keep the favour. I will help you remember the groom's name when you forget. I will be available for eye-rolling when the maid of honour's speech uses the phrase "two hearts, one soul". Who could refuse?