Friday, April 30, 2010

Look closer...

Here's another one to add to the "Paul is a Creeper" file.

The Have Nots

I don't have Internet at home - this accounts for the infrequent posting.

I don't have cable at home - this accounts for the 30Rock DVD viewing.

I don't have a can opener at home - this means NO SOUP FOR ME!!

I don't have laundry facilities at home - this means I am behaving like a college student who takes their laundry home to Mom. Although I truly enjoy doing laundry, it's pretty great. Thanks Mom!

I don't have a green thumb - at home or anywhere - this means I have now killed 2 orchids. Orchids should not be sold to just anyone. They should come with their own gardener or caregiver who will come by every other day to take care of it. I now have a pot full of dead sticks on my mantle.

I don't have a lawnmower at home - I am expecting a call from the neighbours any day now to complain about the unsightly view of my front lawn. I think a dog went missing in the long grass. I keep hear whimpering. Or a small child, I guess.

I don't have time to post the "I have" list.

Double Event Craziness

Last week we had an event double header - two events in one day and the following things happened:

- I got called 'Jennifer' by someone with the last name Hemberger. A caterer. I can't make this stuff up.

- A lunatic client gave me the finger and an ever classy "F**k You!!" It was a good day.

- I asked a girl working for us "Are you drunk? No? Are you sure? You must be high at least." I then sent her home.

- Aforementioned client attempted to take the 400lb ice sculpture home at the end of the night. In a cooler. In her van.

- We hired a real life, honest-to-goodness fairy.

Yep, this is my job.

Last night I found myself in Niagara Falls at what can only be described as a cougar disco dance party. 150 women aged 35 to 60 dressed in various feathers, tie-dye and neon dancing to their peers' karaoke and attempting to mount a pogo stick and unicycle. I oversaw this craziness while trying to master the hula hoop. Turns out you need to have hips to do the hula hoop.

My job is unique, I will say that for sure.

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Come ON people!

WHY WHY WHY do people insist on calling me Michelle!??!

No offence to the Michelles of the world - I know a couple really nice ones, but that is not MY name!

Today, already (it's only 12:33pm) I have been called Michelle 3 times over the phone and once in an email! Don't people read all the words in an email!?

It's so freakin' annoying.

That's all.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Movin' on in...

I have moved in!!! I'm loving it, but still not fully unpacked or used to bumping my head on the low ceilings. Or the shower pressure. Honestly, if someone dribbled water out of their mouth, it would be better than what I've got over there. But then there would be the uncomfortable kinky situation with water dribbler guy...

I've been grocery shopping and have found the following things remarkable:

- this is hands-down the best mayonnaise I have ever tried. If ever a food could be described as silky, it is this. It's way more than mayonnaise.

- when buying bread, the options are confounding. Ancient grains, 7 grain, 12 grain 14 grain!!!! Seriously, I'm not going to buy something that says it's old right on the package and why would I buy anything other than the 14 grain? I can get double the grain content!!!

This is when I actually buy healthy bread. Typically, it's the Wonder-ful white for grilled cheese.

- it is possible to get 10 lbs of carrots for 99 cents! How is this even possible? No really. Think about it. It's like potatoes - they're the heaviest and still require work to get them out of the ground and yet they practically give them away! I bet the farmers who got into the carrot business are pretty pissed about how things worked out for them.

Monday, April 19, 2010

Love this

Saw this card and thought, "It's surprising that I haven't recieved this already from someone." So I bought it and will give it someone deserving. Will it be you?

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Randomness with Rage

Why, oh why, don't more people use the self-serve checkout lines? Are they intimidated? Are they stupid? Are they lazy? So many lemmings look at the empty self-serve lanes but then decide to get in a massive line to be served by a gum-smacking teenager who isn't entirely sure of the difference between red peppers and apples.

The self-serve checkouts aren't difficult, people! They are fun, usually faster and sometimes you can swipe extra bananas. Stop being annoying!

If you don't, then don't you dare complain when I decide to pay with Canadian Tire money. Yes, sir with the scowly face, adding up to $25.79 in nickel bills does take quite a while.
So sick of business websites that are trying to be oh-so-cool. I don't care about your graphics or special effects. I don't know what a flash plug-in is and I'm sure as hell not going to download something just to get your address. If I click on something that does not mean I want to be taken into some third dimension portal with ninja stars of information spiralling at me.

I'm looking at you, Dragonfly: Boooo.
Attention all radio personalities: if this is the career you think is for you, here's a clue - stop being so stuttery and verbally incontinent! All you have to do is talk. That's it. Putting words together in an orderly and timely fashion should not be a problem. Marilyn Denis from CHUM FM (yes, I listen to that station) is lately the worst culprit. If she's not tripping over her words she's making some stupid noise that is probably best accompanied by the face she's making, WHICH I CAN'T SEE.

Besides getting up early, being a part of a 3 piece morning radio team has got to be a cake walk. What is the problem here? Come up with some anecdotes, don't be lame, avoid dead air and play the music. If not for my rapid fire speed of speech, I would go for this. Argh.
Listen up, Cashier Guy at Bulk Barn: when I say thank you for helping me bag my unbleached flour and knock-off Maltesers, do not say "No worries" ... constantly. I wasn't worried! How about "You're welcome" or "No problem". I HATE when people say "No worries" unless it truly was a worrisome issue. It makes it seem like I was really concerned and dedicating thoughts to this person and their ability to 'help me'.

When everyone knows I'd rather dedicate thoughts to bitching about it afterwards.

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Team Kevin and Winnie

The classic Kevin Trivia Hoodie Distraction Block-Out. However, even with all this concentrated effort, he still managed to put down the word "Nubbles" as an answer. Anyone would be hard pressed to come up with a question that matches an answer of "Nubbles".

Although we won the first round, and benevolently donated our winning nachos, we were faced with this handout. Sci-fi movies aren't our forte but Kevin got 2 answers correct. Not, however, Captain Skyfighter or Bill Shatner's hairpieces.

Ah, trivia. It's been a good season.

Team mates made cry: 1
Team mates made to leave the team and never return to the bar: 1
Explanations for lettuce as a nacho topping: 0
Times Kevin and I have let the fireplace seat break our concentration: 4
Good team names we have come up with: 1 ("I have to go home and wash my arms" - which only I found funny since I just saw Date Night, but Kevin could appreciate)
Questions about Spice Girls: 2
Questions about science fiction or Lord of the Rings: one billion (perceptional estimate)
Bouts of trivia rage: 8-10
Money won as first place winners: $200 and counting
Number of mozzarella sticks I will consume when we have our season-end party to spend said money: 6-20 (rough estimate since I have thus far lived my life without trying a mozzarella stick - anticipate enjoying them)

Sunday, April 11, 2010

Home Happiness!

Soooooo excited!!!! Living in my home is an actually becoming a reality soon. Spent the whole weekend moving things in, finishing flooring, putting up hooks, washing dishes - I'm thrilled. The amount of happiness having my own home is bringing me before I've even moved in is remarkable!


Thursday, April 8, 2010

Spring has sprung!

All of a sudden it's spring. I don't think things look as green as they do today. The canopy of trees that line my street is starting to bud and it makes me smile.

The changing temperatures has taught me something. Apparently, it is not okay to turn off the heat on your tenants, thinking you're saving money. Even if it's a super hot Monday. Because a super cool Tuesday will follow and you will get a call of unhappiness. Interesting.

With these warm days we've had that certain type of Hamiltonian has emerged. Driving around is really depressing. Grandmothers in tank tops, (who are, like, 32 years old btw), men wearing sleeveless tees revealing too many arm band tattoos to count, belly baring tops, acid wash denim overall shorts, men who think it's okay to walk around shirtless, jogging pants, shorts so tight I can see...just spent too long thinking of something not disgusting to write, but have failed, so I'll say nothing.

Why? Why does Hamilton dress so awfully and trashy? This isn't helping our reputation people! It's unbearable.

Sunday, April 4, 2010

LGFW - the end

It has been a long couple weeks, but the event went over really well. Glad we can finally get some sleep and full meals.

A breakdown of the week:

- number of mutilated tights = 3 (sent Rob out to get me a new pair after I tried to stop a run with hairspray - girls, this does not work - he returned with the most expensive tights I've ever worn and with the most constrictive control top...I get it, boss-man)

- number of sofas/risers/dancer platforms lifted = 12

- number of caramel macchiato lattes consumed = 3 per day

- number of volunteers we sent to fetch said lattes = 14 throughout the week

- number of volunteers whose name we remembered = 2 (although we called them by nicknames: Opera and Bluetooth for specific reasons)

- number of nights I got "tipsy" = 1 (closing night party - Robin Kay remarked the next day, "I heard you were doing the tango on some guy's back." Wildly exaggerated. How is that even possible?)

- number of Freshii wraps eaten = 2 (best new discovery)

- number of parking tickets = 2

- number of Discount rental trucks demolished = just the 1, it's ok...

Highlight of the Week:

Was mistaken for a model. Probably because I was wearing my highest heels, shortest skirt and standing around looking vacant.

Lowlight of the Week:

Got bumped from my front row seat at the Evan Biddell show for 2 kids from Degrassi.

There are 2 types of people:

People who eat Timbits in at least 2 bites and those who just go for it. The way I see it, if you're eating a Timbit, the pretense of classy is already blown out of the water, so give it up. The number of Timbits I've eaten recently makes even me sick, but only once have I eaten it in more than 1 bite - that sour cream glazed was some sort of mutant pumped up on growth enhancing steroids. But it was double delicious.

People who wait in a long line of cars to exit off the highway and those who drive right up to the front and wait for someone to let them in. If you're annoyed by this, your only recourse is to just not let me in and feel mildly satisfied in that. But, 9 times out of 10, someone will let me in. This makes me wildly satisfied. Life is too short to wait in highway lines if there's something to be done about it.