Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
What is a rutabaga? No really, what is it? I'll bet you don't know. No one does. Potato/turnip? Squash/pumpkin? Lampshade/Beet?
I've thought long and hard about this, and I can't think of a time when an ambulance would not have the siren on. Leaving the hospital/ambulance station place: siren on - rushing to save a life. Going to hospital with patient: siren on - rushing to get someone else to continue saving said life. Once they've dropped you off, don't they just stay there until the next call comes in? Or are they getting ambulance washes, going to drive-ins, coffee runs? What?
People are not allowed to have a headache on a date. I was meeting someone after a crazy day at work, and felt sorta faint with the headache blindness setting in. All I needed to quell the migraine was a massive glass of water - since about three days had passed without any. But if I ordered water once I got there, no-no. If I actually needed a Tylenol, no-no. Showing weakness on a first date is a huge liability. Suck it up and suffer. Or run to the bathroom and drink from the tap.
In other news, not being hungry on a first date is also dangerous. Even if I were a salad person, there is no way I would ever order greens (with the dressing on the side, please) on a date. So annoying. Be a man! Order the meat - eat it all - order dessert - drink up! Any little thing can be an excuse for a 'weirdo' stamp, or with women, a 'high-maintenance' stamp - even worse.
Ok, flies and insects really baffle me. How are they so resilient and impervious to something that would surely end my life if I were them? For example, if there is an ant walking on the sidewalk and I step down beside it, shouldn't this feel like a tremendous earthquake to them!?! Or if I bat them away with my hand, wouldn't that be like being hit by a train? Yesterday I aimed the blowdryer at one and nothing! Shouldn't that feel like a hurricane? How are they doing this?!?!
Sunday, September 27, 2009
Monday, September 21, 2009
So, I decided to kill some time by shaking my tail feather with some friends at a birthday bash. It was being held at a club I had previously sworn off - Zu Bar. Have you been to this club - it's awful, but I fear I would have thought it was amazing when I was 20. Sigh.
I was tired, cold and cranky - really, the optimal mood for clubbing, but tried to make the best of it. During TIFF, I found this cool satin jacket that had been left behind (I like to think it was left behind by Jennifer Connelly or Megan Fox - just because). I claimed this jacket as my own and wore it Saturday night. In my hast to add another jacket to my obese closet, I neglected to recognize that the jacket was XS and I am not.
By the time we by-passed the line (yes!) it was cutting into the flesh of my arms and I definitely couldn't zip it up, lest I look like a pre-wrapped sausage unable to breathe. So, I pretended that I planned it that way and let out the sleeve zippers a little. The strap on my stilettos was hanging on by one leather strand and I had to walk gingerly to keep them on. What was I even doing out!?!
The crowd was awful - am I too old for this? Well, I'm definitely not douche-bag enough. I'm pretty sure I spent the 20 minutes we spent there eyeing everyone up and down then shaking my head. But I couldn't even cross my arms to signal my disgust because the sleeves would make me bleed! Every person in there must have had either an STD, a criminal record, a butterfly tattoo on their hip or a white shell necklace from Cancun circa 1997. So not my scene, even with my stupid jacket.
After we sufficiently felt too old, clothed and tall, we left. I happily got in my car, switched the last legs stilettos to coral loafers (my favourite, which I've just been informed should be retired - wha-?) and my favourite worn hoodie - emblazoned with "Librarians are the Shhhh!!!" on the back - big props to Kathleen for that gem.
I threw out the coat and merrily went on my way to Milton. So much happier, so much more dull. Meh, that's just the way it goes sometimes. And I'm okay with that.
For the record, and I mean it this time, I am never going to Zu Bar again. That is all.
Sunday, September 20, 2009
Especially if you don't know the person well, each letter of the text message is pored over and analyzed. Usually with girlfriends and wine.
- Ok, so he doesn't use shortforms like 'ur' or 'r' = add 1 point
- he takes at least 30 minutes to respond = deduct 1 point per hour
- he uses 'lol' or 'haha' = deduct 1 point unless the comment would have been offensive without it and he needs to use it because you don't know each other's sense of humour yet
- he makes emoticons using letters and punctuation = meh
It's all so ridiculous and a colossal waste of time. Nevermind about the time that goes into composing a text response. I'm pretty certain my group of girlfriends are not the only people caught up in this craziness - I've been there while men go through the same thing.
I can spend an entire Seinfeld rerun composing the perfectly clever, flirty, interesting text with no spelling mistakes and still not be sure that he'll get it because you don't know each other yet. And then, I can simply write "Yo" to someone else and it's sure to be interpreted as funny, sexy and inviting. Argh. The Texting Days are so frustrating...
When will the madness end? As annoying as it is, I'm an eager participant. I get very excited when my phone trills and I use the texts as evidence in the case for or against this guy being a weirdo. And I'm certain he does the same thing to my texts. The problem is that I don't think my sense of humour or love of puns come across well in only 160 characters. It's the same reason I don't speed date - I don't think I come across as likable very quickly. I'm an acquired taste, like...hmmm, everything I'm thinking of is something I actually don't like. Forget the example.
Wouldn't it be great if everyone we like could see us in our best possible situation? With the correct amount of time that is required to get a full introduction to the true you? With drinks around? And flattering lighting?
Ok, this post has been a nice distraction, but why isn't he texting me back!?!
Saturday, September 19, 2009
This is what we did: It was a colossal change - there was ugly green carpet and old-fashioned drapes and zero style before we got ahold of it. It was an enormous amount of work, but everyone was really happy.
Here is a partial list of the celebrities that were at 'our' party:
- Drew Barrymore
- Edward Norton
- Adam Brody
- Megan Fox
- George Clooney
- an actual Prince
- President of Abu Dhabi (or something - I can't remember if AD actually has a prez)
- Jennifer Connelly
- Mena Suvari
- Michael Douglas
- Colin Farrell
- Sarah Ferguson, Duchess of York
Here is a list of the celebrities that were actually there when I was there:
- Sarah Ferguson, Duchess of York
Yeah. I guess I went on dull nights or I left too early - turns out it's sorta boring when you're not a somebody. Plus, I'm not a fan of the $19.50 glass of Pinot Grigio. Every night there were line-ups around the block to get in and it was ultra chi-chi and exclusive. Not quite sure how I got in, come to think of it. Apparently Galen Weston was made to wait in line - gasp!
I'm sure there are other contenders, but the dirtiest line in any song on the radio now has got to be from Pitbull's Hotel Room Service song:
I'm the plumber tonight
I'll check your pipes.
Oh, you the healthy type,
Well, here go some egg whites
There's something about it that makes me giggle/gasp every time I hear it - it's pretty hilariously cheeky. But I got a look at this Pitbull character while watching the video (gag) and he should be embarrassed. I thought he was going to be a fly black guy or something, but he looks like...well, just a major loser.
Was stuck behind a driver's ed car today and before I peeled away from the petrified 16 year old, I noticed the licence plate:
Ok, I'll give them that - it's funny. But I still think it is my responsibility as a driver to teach the newbies what it's like in the real world. Toughen 'em up, I say. Now, get out of my way.
Running into high school people in the real world, especially in your day's work can really throw you off. More often than not, it turns out that they are exactly the same. The kid who sat across from you in 5th grade and sprayed battery acid into his eye while poking it with a pen, is still pretty likely to run screaming out of a room. I guess this realization is what all you Facebookers get.
Ok, this was a totally weird purchase. We were down on the ground and Jen was rooting around Polly Pocket dolls and I thought, hmm, this is kinda funny - maybe I can make this work somehow in my bathroom. I'm pretty sure I'll end up giving it to Jen's daughter. Plus it's plastic - what was I thinking?
Obviously, these are my favourite item of the day. Mint condition, my size, never worn...how could I pass them up? I haven't been on them yet, because I'm a little afraid, but I think I'll give it a go tomorrow.
Frames...meh. But I'll paint them black and cool them up a bit.
I have never been to an antique show before but there is a huge one that happens twice a year in Dundas. I took my Dad's truck with the intention of filling it with treasures. There must have been at least 200 vendors and I meandered for over 3 hours. I kinda like saying I spent my Saturday 'antiquing' like a prideful yuppie. But it really seems like something only couples should do. Or old people. Or old couples. I got a few discounts because I was the young thing and people were so happy "the new generation is getting into it."
This really seemed very 50s cocktail bar to me. There is a space cut out on the top for ice and the black and gold appealed to me. I totally bashed it up when I drove it home (I didn't have enough foresight to bring any packing materials). Won't it look so great with my crystal booze decanters!!?
I got this woman to throw this ottman in for free. I mean, please. It's seen better days and I'm pretty sure it came from my grandma's living room circa 1983. Gotta love the vinyl and the top lifts up to store stuff in it - I imagine sewing kits or flasks of scotch.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
- "Yeah, we were just hanging out, shootin' the shit." It's so vulgar. Plus, I'm not sure where it originated - what does it even mean??
- "Don't worry about it," when I ask a simple question. Ok, listen, I'm NOT worried about it, I just want to know. It makes me sound like I've been up nights obsessing about it. So patronizing.
- "Oh, thanks hon," when said to me by someone female and younger than me. Don't call me 'hon'. I don't like you.
- "Can I see your licence and registration?"
- "What's that?" or "Huh?" when they've probably actually heard what I've asked, but they're so used to being annoying that their knee-jerk response makes it seem like they didn't hear. I usually don't answer, but give their brain time to catch up with their stupid mouth until they realize they did hear me and answer properly.
- "Oh sorry, we're all out of the pie. Hon."
Saturday, September 12, 2009
There comes a time when you realize that your brothers are grown men and people in their own right. We're all adults and it's pretty weird.
The regular crew and I hit up Toronto for Melebration 2009. I've been melebrating with these peeps for several years now and I always feel so lucky to have them part of my life. I have great friends and I appreciate how they always help me ring it in.
We went to the rooftop pool at the Hyatt and despite children and a loud air conditioning fan, it was great.
The other night I heard a song I've liked for a while but finally listened to the words. It's the perfect sentiment for a love song. Nothing grand and overblown, nothing fake, just a simple request with no strings attached. Wouldn't it be nice if everything could be this refreshing and easy? No games, no expectations, just this.
Hello, yeah, it's been a while.
Not much, how 'bout you?
I'm not sure why I called,I guess I really just wanted to talk to you.
And I was thinking maybe later on,
We could get together for a while.It's been such a long time,
And I really do miss your smile.
I'm not talking 'bout moving in,
And I don't want to change your life.
But there's a warm wind blowing,
The stars are out, and I'd really love to see you tonight.
We could go walking through a windy park,
Or take a drive along the beach.
Or stay at home and watch t.v.
You see, it really doesn't matter much to me.
I won't ask for promises,
So you won't have to lie.
We've both played that game before,
Say I love you, then say goodbye.
My favourite line is not having to lie. The song is by someone named England Dan and John Ford Coley (meh) and if you don't know the song, you should listen to it.
As I sat at Toronto's longest stoplight, I kept looking at this painting and it's really disturbing. Stabbing, fingernails clawing at a face, stepping on and throwing babies...seriously, is there not a happier painting to put on the side of a bus? It really turned me off my honey cruller. What about this one:
Look how happy everyone looks. Wine, flowered hats, flirting, wife beater tank tops, grapes...
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Dress #One: My mother made this dress and I love that I lived in the era where the height of child hair styles included Heidi braids and baby's breath. The flowers I held were fake, but I'm sure my angelic aura was real.
Dress #Two: Very nice dress in a stunning colour. If only I had been able to do something about those tan lines. In November - how is that even possible? And the shellacked hair - proving, even in formal situations, I never know what to do with my hair.
Monday, September 7, 2009
He thinks he is Italy's gift to women. And men. And hair. He likes to fill his salon with girls like him. We all know these girls - the Salon Girls. I had typed a more harsh word, but am feeling charitable.
I think she did a great job. Although, now the problem is that she did a great job that I can never duplicate.If I were a millionaire or Ivanka Trump, I would pay to have someone come to my house every morning to wash and blowdry my hair. And add whatever magic pixie dust they have access to. It's completely impossible for me to make it look this good ever again.