Things Women Do

The baby shower.

Do men know what is going on at these affairs? I don't think they do. Do you know that we sit around in a circle on the couch and chairs from the dining room table while the mother-to-be opens her presents? Or that she will then pass them around the circle so we can all oooh and aaah at them? Every single one of them, including the breast pump.

Do you know that we drink punch out of teeny tiny cups so that you have to refill every other sip? We eat standard picnic fare including deviled eggs, dips, dips and more dips and usually at least one Jell-o mould (or is it mold? I never know this one.) Sometimes, if we're lucky, we'll get tea sandwiches with the crusts cut off. But they'll be cut into teeny tiny triangles. What? Is no one else starving!?

But there will always be cake, ideally the good stuff with the really thick icing that looks like lard. There will be no alcohol, because the mother can't, so no one can. Spiking the punch is usually frowned upon. So are cigarettes and male strippers.

There are horrendous games involving clothespins, unscrambling baby words and not being able to cross your legs. I've never understood this one - a room full of women wearing skirts should be crossing their legs! It's just decent. Even if you somehow win these games, the prizes will be bad and no one really gets that competitive to make it fun.

Of course, there is the hat the guest of honour must wear. I would bet the last piece of cake that men have no idea women make other women do this. Since each present unwrapped will surely have at least one curly ribbon in a pastel hue, a hat will be fashioned. It will consist of a paper plate and all the ribbons taped onto it - that's pretty much it. Then we will make the woman wear this. I am hosting a baby shower next month. Per request, it must include many of the things I have just mentioned. But, I will put my own touches to it so that although we may be playing games or sitting in a circle, it will be beautiful and actually fun....or close to it. I'm worried that I'm trying for the impossible, but I'll do my best.

I've spent all weekend on the invitations and being in the event business, I have a plethora of style at my disposal. I've already found table linens that exactly match the invitation print. I know, I sound like a Stepford. I don't even think I've ever been to a shower that had table linens at all. Get ready to be impressed. Baby.