Online and Hating It

There’s no pretty way to say it. I have joined the legions of singletons and entered the world of online dating. Initially forced upon me by a lost bet with a friend and a creeping boredom due to culling the herd of randoms in my life, online dating was something I’ve always resisted. To me, despite what anyone says and despite all the success stories, it seems like a failure – an inability to meet someone or like someone that you meet in real life. I don’t like it. And although I’m trying to go into it with an open mind, I still don’t like it.

First there is the profile creation – the key to any sort of success here. Did you guys know that 95% of people consider working out to be a major hobby? Or that everyone likes movies, music and sports? Oh, and also, NO ONE does drugs. There is a template to fill out and then space for your own words. Having to select my hobbies and interests from a drop down menu really sucks. There isn’t even an ‘Other’ or ‘Complaining on my Blog’ option!

So, I have to review my life and pick out the things that will make me sound interesting and exciting. I haven’t lied at all, but I also didn’t say that some days I like to read magazines, watch TV or go shopping. These activities sound like I’m stupid, lazy and materialistic. Give me a break. Trying to sum myself up in a paragraph is lunacy. I might have tried to get in there that I’m looking for a guy who still knows how to write in complete sentences. From some of the responses I’ve received, I don’t think many of these guys are able to even read complete sentences.

Then there’s the part where you can list your perfect first date. Ugh. Half the profiles I read want to go for a walk. The other half want to go for coffee. Now, in actuality, these are fine, but give me something a little more fun. I guess that’s the thing about online – if I met a guy in real life, it would be more likely that we could have fun first date as chemistry has already been established. What these walks and coffees are really for is to suss out if we are at all attracted to each other. Really, they could last 5 minutes and it would be so much easier. I guess this is the premise behind speed dating…but I think I’m more of an acquired taste.

So, fine. I have a profile. I managed to select a couple pictures – most of which have me wearing a party hat, oddly enough. I am online. Not so much online dating, but it’s only been a week. Mostly so far, I’ve been doing defence. I log on and am bombarded by randoms messaging me, emailing me, ‘smiling’ at me (*roll eyes*) and it takes so much time to read their message, then look at their picture, then read their profile and decide if I want to write them back. Usually I don’t. Delete. Delete. Delete.

And that’s another thing – if you’re going to message me (and v.v. – I hold myself to these same rules) try to make it funny or relevant or at least seem like you’ve read my profile. The following openers are not appreciated:

- Hello
- Your pic is awesome – wat u up to
- :)
- “ih” then followed by another message where they spelled it correctly “hi”
- Hi beautiful

Seriously. Give me something I can work with. Some guys at least made a joke about my screen name or mentioned something I said in my profile. Make fun of me! Make me smile! Even be cheesy! I don’t care – just don’t be dull. If ever you can go out on a limb and be something it’s online. “Hi” is the worst.

Certain friends think I’m being too picky. But I know what I want and I know the type of person I deserve. I know how great I am and why would I settle for a mediocre conversation with someone I’m not attracted to and who can’t spell or make me laugh? Just so I can prove I’m “out there” giving it my all? Lame-o. I know what I like and who I like and I message and respond to those people only. The others I will recount here for you for the laughs.

- 42 year old man who looks 63 emailed me an began “Hello dear”
- User name – LionChili, Pounder7, Here Comes The Warrior
- Someone who suggested an eating contest as a first date – actually that one was pretty funny
- Guy who puts the lamest quote in his profile “Dance like no one is watching, love like you've never been hurt, live like there's no tomorrow" - how about 'Update your profile like no one will respond"?

- Guy who listed “building character” as a hobby
- So many guys love to “work hard and play harder”

I hate this.