Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Mum's the word

The other day the most unsettling thing happened - my mother discovered my online dating profile. Oh, before I start this awful story, I should warn my readers that because the next two weeks are filled solely with work and sleeping, I expect the majority of my blog posts to be about online dating. I know, it could get boring, but I don't have time to have an actual life this week. Blerg.

Ok, so my mother calls after reading this blog and says she is on Lavalife and wants to read my profile. She is prepared to create a profile for herself if that's what it takes to log on. Once I threatened to tell my dad that she is entering the world of online dating, she backed down. Then she just switched to another site and finds my profile quite easily.

What follows is an (almost) exact transcript of our conversation. I only allowed it to continue because I was at my friend Tracy's house and it was really cracking us up.

- Thin? Melissa, why didn't you put 'slender'? That sounds much more appealing. Can you put 'slender'? - No, Mother, it is selected from a drop down menu. No.

- Are you really 5'9"? Are you sure?

- Can you lie about your age? Do people do that? - *gasp* Mother! What was all the Happy Birthday nonsense a few weeks ago then!?

- Why didn't you put that you are reflective? I think you're very reflective. Are you listening to me?

- What is DIY?

- Why is there a pair of virtual panties attached to your profile? DID YOU PUT THAT??? What do you mean someone sent them to you? Who would do such a thing? It's just vulgar. Well, I never...

- You'd better tell me when you go on these dates in case something happens - we should always know where you are at all times. By the way, where are you right now? Who's laughing with you? Is that Tracy? How are her parents doing?

- It says one of your interests is throwing dinner parties - that sounds a little wild, don't you think?

- Can people take your picture and put your head on *whispers this part* nude bodies? Would someone do that? Yes?? They can? Oh, Melissa, I don't know about this.

- What about drugs Melissa? - I don't know Mom, what about drugs? - Well, why didn't you select no to drugs?

- Why are there pictures of other girls at the top of your profile? - They're ads. - Well, they look very loose, those girls. You don't want them associated with your profile.

And, that, dear readers, is the moment I lost the small scraps of interest I had in online dating. :)

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