Thursday, September 16, 2010


I’m thinking of getting driving signs made up (you know, with my own Sharpie) that say “You’re on the highway. Drive like it!” Or another that says “I think you owe me a thank you wave”. Sort of like flash cards. I think it would take a lot of the stress out of it. No more yelling, just flash the card and be on your way. This is not the worst idea I’ve ever had. Someone would tell you that my worst idea was either:

1) An air mattress for drunken nights that is filled with water (I guess a waterbed, essentially) but that has a straw near your head that you can drink from. No more having to stumble to the bathroom for dire rehydration. Just roll over and take a sip. Manufacturer warning – if you are really thirsty, I mean, REALLY thirsty, you may experience a slow sinking feeling.

2) A cab service that you subscribe to so that when everyone is leaving the club district at 2am on a Saturday night you don’t have to scour the streets in vain for a ride. You simply call the hotline and they will tell you where the cabs are ‘hidden’ nearby. No one else will know. You just walk a street over or something and jump in – flashing your membership card, of course. They could even be unmarked cars!

As you may be able to tell I came up with these ideas during the throes of my clubbing and partying phase and I may or may not have been drunk when they were concocted. However, I think they both have merit. Suck it, naysayers. You can walk home!
There is a bite in the air. Fall is my favourite season – it’s so crisp and the clothes are the absolute best. How I can tell fall is coming:
- when I get in my car in the mornings, I switch the temperature gauge to warm
- I wear a blanket while watching TV (this could be because I refuse to put my heat on until I’m legally required to for my tenants. I think it’s sometime in October, however, with my track record, I should really confirm this.)
- I wear socks to bed. I know, it’s sexy.
- I don’t have to mow my lawn every week!
- I get to start wearing scarves again – my absolute favourite accessory
Did you know there is now a feature on Google mail that allows you to retract a sent email within 30 seconds? This would have been really, really helpful during my early twenties. Or last week.

Since I have a tendency to blurt out whatever I’m saying sometimes and inadvertently hurt people’s feelings, I’ve taken to saying things over in my head before I utter them. Only in certain situations and to be honest, it’s a big waste of time. Can I just say a disclaimer like “I’m always sorry and am always joking” and leave it at that? No? Ok, fine.

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