The Cottage Countdown

The Cottage Weekend, by the numbers:


16 - guests
12 - sleeping spaces in the cottage
2 - tents erected
1 - large bathtub offered as a sleeping option
0 - people who took advantage of this offer
4 - kayaks

15 - worms I hooked for Tim

15 - fish caught

0 - fish larger than 8"

1 - times Tim accidentally drank from his cigarette butt beer bottle
6 - times I kept laughing about it throughout the weekend and beyond
4 - Muskoka chairs

2 - damages (lawn chair from before I was born and coffee mug) - not bad at all
1 - bee hive (with corresponding parental notice)

1 - underwater synchronized water 'show'

1 - weak link in aforementioned water 'show' - you decide

12 - Gluten Free beers
18 - fireside s'mores
10 - haaaawwt pockets - Tracy's delicious fireside creation
6 - times Tracy kept having to remind me how awesome she is
15 - banana boats - now a cottage staple
1 - busted cooler - styrofoam just doesn't hold up the way it used to
2 - crossword puzzles completed

2 - star formations identified - this is embarrassing. "Maybe that's Mars??" doesn't count

1 - freak outs experienced by Julie - "Harry Potter" and "I heard what you said even when you weren't in the room to say it" will forever strike fear into my soul

1 - Snakes and Ladders games won
2 - Snakes and Ladders games where I cheated - I guess they were right, cheaters never prosper

1 - water trampoline trespassed - not that fun or worth the long swim to get there
1 - mosquito bite on my left shoulder that is swelling so badly that I look like Quasimodo

These all add up to a great weekend...now if you'll excuse me, I'm itching to go ring the bell in the clock tower.

To a Tee

The message t-shirt. I've loved it:


I've laughed at it: (and said, "Really? Are you sure?")


I found myself in a Bluenotes the other day and these made me smile.




And then there's the t-shirt fail:

11 Year Old

Attn: Neighbourhood kid who decided to befriend me yesterday while I watered the plants.

No, this is not going to turn into a feel-good Lifetime movie where we forge an unlikely friendship and you teach me how to care about people and I help you overcome your stutter. Just because you selected me to strike up a conversation with and we spent an entire 10 minutes talking about summer camp, gardening, the weird kid on the block and why you're sitting your bike on my garden hose, this does not make us friends.

I am not Mr. Wilson to your menacing Dennis. I don't know why you hugged me in the hips. I don't know why you didn't run away when I sprayed you with the hose. I don't know why you kept riding your bike past my house all evening, but it creeped me out.

I don't mean to sound all "Clint Eastwood in Gran Torino" but "Get off my lawn!"

Happy Canada Day!

Yes, it's belated, but this picture is too awesome not to post.



How cool are we?

Summer School

Trivia has come to an end for another season - or at least it has for me. They're dragging it out a bit this year, but I'm taking back my Monday nights until Thanksgiving. For example, tonight I am eating grilled cheese on the porch then going for a swim - can't let cerebral exercise interfere with that. After winning last week's round (natch) Kevin, Jim and I recapped our season and organized strategy for continued victory in the 2011-2012 season. Yes, we are giant nerds. Ones that will kick your asses each week!

We determined our shortcomings and made a study list for each of us for the summer. This is what we've come up with:

I think I got the short straw. I have to study the whole frickin' universe.

Where Can I Get One Of These?

The Main Event

Several times a year there is an event that is greater than all the other events. Whether it's the size and scale of the party of the VIP nature or even the budget - it's huge and dwarfs every other event that month. Yesterday was one such event - a 600 guest Italian wedding for a notable Hamiltonian. As a regular person, just hearing the words "600 guest Italian wedding" causes me to shudder but as an event planner, it's a major coup and usually turns out to be a great opportunity to impress and excel.

I worked the entire long weekend and my Canada Day celebrations consisted of my grumbling as the fireworks kept me from getting the 4 hours of sleep I would have access to the entire weekend.

Last night, as I furtively ate a cannoli while waiting to cue the best man's speech, I took a moment to compile my thoughts about this major event. In no particular or no particularly sensible order:

- Have you ever been in the massive church near the 403 and Dundurn? It's like our city's Catholic mothership and it's quite grand inside. They're also very strict. Apparently if you leave your keys and phone behind a holy water...statue thing and come back for it after dealing with the wedding party, the doors will be locked. After freaking out and knockin' on heaven's door, the priest (?) will begrudgingly let you in and give you the eye like he knows you're not even Catholic. At the rehearsal he made people put up their hands if they weren't - not sure why. As a Protestant event planner at the Italian wedding, and the only one with a clipboard, I stood out.

- My favourite part of any wedding is that short moment I get alone with the bride right before she walks down the aisle. She's typically really nervous and vulnerable and I can be the calm and professional presence to help her relax and focus - it's just a sweet little moment in the chaotic day where we can connect. Yesterday, this beautiful 23 year old was shaking and about to cry. She asked me what she should think about to avoid freaking out or sobbing. I told her to think about the first thing that came to my mind - the complete opposite of anything wedding related: dog fighting. I actually said this to her. Seriously, sometimes I should just be banned from speaking. Especially at crucial moments in people's lives. Luckily, she laughed as I fanned her with a Bible.

- I have become an expert at standing still with my hands clasped behind my back with reverence and poise while an variety of speeches, presentations, ceremonies or slide shows take place. Behind my back, my thumbs are wrestling each other.

- You know who's NOT so good at standing quietly still? Children. I'm sorry, but I truly do not believe young children have a place at an event like a wedding ceremony. At least not the ones present yesterday. Standing near the back of the church, I found myself in what seemed to be a free-for-all wild playground - at least 9 kids, in varying states of unrest. They were all running around (running!), screaming, being chased by indulgent mothers with not a shred of embarrassment or awareness on their faces. Why do they think it's appropriate to allow their children to interrupt and impair guests' enjoyment of a ceremony? Couldn't they have played outside? At home, in their backyard? Yes, yes, I know, I'm the witch in Hansel and Gretel, but come ON.

- Also, dressing your three children in the ever-subtle Burberry plaid, head to toe, does not make it okay for them to cavort around my ankles and grab at my dress. They all blended together and looked like some plaid super-child trying to take me down.

- If there were Event Professional Olympics, I would surely take gold in boutonniere and corsage pinning. I'm wicked good. I never prick anyone (by accident) and they will be secured for the whole day no matter how many aunts and uncles crush them in hugs.

- People really do not know how to dress in a church. Or to a wedding for that matter. It's not Jersey Shore night at Skank, the hottest new club for the under-20 crowd and you're not competing for the Most Orange Skin Showing trophy. Cover your side boob, already! And put your thighs away.

- Fondant sucks. No one likes to eat it and I don't care if it allows you to create a replica of the Notre Dame cathedral in icing. Let's put a picture of the cathedral beside a really good pie and call it a day.

- Also, cupcakes and candy bars are so played. Pie is the new wave. You heard it here first.

- Regarding the candy bar, I learned something about myself last night. If I accidentally drop a Reese's piece into my dress while eating them by the handful, it will fall out at the end of the night when I get changed. And, at 4am, after I find it on the floor, I will eat it. No shame. Or at least, none at 4am on hour 22 of being awake.

- Going on and on about being 'so into fashion' and name-dropping Phillip Treacy would be more easily believable if you were just stylish and quiet. And weren't still wearing turqoise contact lenses. Who are you, Paris Hilton in 2002? Even she's let that one die.

- I spent most of the night nervously watching a candelabra shake and nearly topple from the head table. Rowdy, drunk groomsmen + cheap rented Chinese fabrication = disaster and panicked event planner.

- I want to marry someone who dances. Watching all these older couples doing their best to the latest from Flo Rida and Lady Gaga was pretty awesome. You know they've never heard the song before but they're out there having fun, doing their little shuffle. I want to be 70 and have my husband beside me giving it our best shot. Why not? I guarantee they were having more fun than the couples sitting watching them.

- One of my favourite things about the field I'm in is the control and power I have on event day. Knowledge is power and having all the answers and ability to tell people where they have to be and what to do is way too much fun. I have the power to interrupt people, direct, and boss - this is what they're paying me for. And really, keeping a 30 person wedding party on track requires a firm hand. Those who recognize and respect my role from the get-go are much appreciated. Those (i.e. that charming groomsman who I had to constantly chase into line or the bridesmaid who thinks I am her slave) who resist...well, I suppose no job's easy.

- It is a guarantee that I will always tear up at the father/daughter speeches. Or really any of the speeches for that matter. I'm a total suck for these and it always makes me think about my parents and my special people. Whenever I feel the tears coming, I just try to think of dog fighting. It works.

Hour 21 and counting...

Fore The Love of Golf

Golf is the new thing - is anyone else noticing this? I keep getting asked if I play and I always have to relay the following story, to which they always wince.

I worked at the Hamilton Golf & Country Club for several years throughout high school and university and each summer they allowed the staff to have a tournament. The first time I ever picked up a club I was paired with my favourite bartender, fellow waitress and some snot-nosed locker boy punk. Can you see who becomes the villain in my tale?

I was pumped and eager to determine if I was a surprise wonder on the links. Despite the odd divot, look how happy I am!

We start off at the first hole and as I mind my own business, the locker boy winds up for a practice shot with the driver. Oh, he connected all right. Not sure what happened, but the next thing I know I'm down for the count and trying not to cry. That never works. I bawled. The kid's defense: "I thought you were a tree."

Amidst my tears my (ex) favourite bartender thought it would be funny to recreate the scene for a picture.

Holy crap, my legs look like matchsticks. Yes, I was still gangly at 18.

I did get back on the horse a couple times, but the first impression stuck and so, no, I don't golf. However, I am available to drive the cart and fetch drinks should the need arise.

Loopy Eyes

Caricature artists are the new cupcakes - as far as popular event things go. I think they're a great idea (you know, until they're too popular that I'm sick of them) and everyone secretly loves having a cartoon of themselves. So, while I've hired them countless times for events, I am always running around tending to crying brides, Lindsay Lohan's ashtray or a guest who is trying to steal the ice sculpture and therefore too busy to actually get one done for myself.

However, at my last event, since IT nerdy folk pretty much take care of themeselves, I was able to sit still for 7 minutes.
The trick is to come up with something to tell them before you sit down that they can draw you doing - I saw many people walk away with pictures of themselves drinking because they couldn't come up with something more creative. Fresh off my impressive badminton season I threw that idea out there.

Ummmm....not too sure about the outcome. Do my eyes really look like that? Although this version of myself is much more buxom, so that's cool.

Still Chuckling

Under "Occupation" he put "Writer".

And I'm sure this email was some of his better work.

no game im looking someone to go out on a date with on you look really beautiful that i love to go out with you with time

Little Grins

It's the little things that make me smile.

I "Heart" Construction

Figuring out a creative right brain way to deal with my controlling left brain need for 600 glasses to be perfectly straight.
Before: Chaos

During: Brainstorm + Cardboard

After: Much better.

Carrying beaded Mardi Gras necklaces on your wrist for 20 minutes while shopping will make you look like a leopard.

A splash of creativity in emails from potential suitors. Looking at my inbox, can you guess who I will write back?

Life, As I Know It

So this is what I've been up to.
Ottawa Road Trip

Heroic brother received a Medal of Bravery from the Governor General so I went up to celebrate with the family. And to represent the less heroic faction of my parents' children. I used to live in Ottawa back in 2007 and hadn't really been back since. It's a great little city and I think it is a great retirement destination. However, when you're in your twenties and it's Saturday night, the options are few. I went back and checked out my old apartment - and yep, the crack filled alley nearby still exists. Ottawa is much like Hamilton in that one street is great and the next is sketch-town. It was a regular occurrence to be awoken at 4am by hookers and addicts below my window. I remember a mixture of fascination at being privy to their dealings and fear that they would look up and see me.

I went for the requisite beavertail, clowned around in front of the Parliament buildings with my mom until the police car slowed in front of us, and checked out the first blooms of the tulip festival.



It was a really nice weekend but clearly the 4 hour solo drive got to me and I had my camera - bad combo.
This is me when I saw a police radar and I'm doing 125km.

This is me when I saw a sad hitchhiker.


AGH Gala
The social event of the spring season - allegedly. It was actually pretty fun and it's always great to get dressed up and get my "hair did". From this angle, my updo gave me a glimpse into what I would look like with boy hair.

I showed it to a friend and his response was, "Whoa!" and jerked backwards. Not a ringing endorsement.
Speaking of not-so-great comments about pictures of me...at the gala someone said I look like Michelle Obama in this one.

Not sure where that came from and while it's not a diss or anything, isn't she a mother of two and at least 15 years older than me? Although, I will admit that with heels and shorter friends, I do kind of look like their chaperone. Harumph.

Dan's 30th Birthday Bash - 80s theme
I keep making the mistake and telling people it was my friend Dan's 80th birthday party. This was a wicked bash and as a member of the party planning committee that met weekly for 3 months, it was all worth it. I had the opportunity to wear my crazy 80s formal prom dress again so I'm totally getting every penny of my $12.99.


Great costumes, great food, great music, great decor (yes, those were cassette tapes hanging from the ceiling) and the dancing. Oh, the dancing. Dan had rented party lights and cleared out the living room for a throwback dance party. He got things started by using a SkipIt. Remember those?
Dan getting started:

Dan Skipping It:

Dan on the floor:

The Freeze Out

Me: Excuse me, do you have any Freezies?

7-11 Store Clerk: Listen kid, I'm going to give it to you straight. We don't got no Freezies and we won't get them all summer.

Me (crestfallen and bristling at the tough love): Uh....

7-11 Store Clerk: Well, I figured there's no point lyin' to ya.

I settled for a pink grapefruit Slurpee. It is 10am.

At least I steered clear of the taquitos seen here.

Lone Wedding

Sadly, besides the ones that I'm planning, I only have one wedding on my summer social schedule this year. I really love attending weddings - dressing up, open bar, cake, dancing to music you never get at clubs, and the occasional tearing up during speeches if I've had too much wine. It's all lovely.

The wedding I went to a few weeks ago was in the magical land of Woodbridge. It was my first time to the Italian mecca and it was everything I had expected it to be, but bigger. The entire place is a maze of big box stores, hairspray and tinted Honda Civics.

The wedding was only half Italian so I didn't get the full calzone experience but it was pretty awesome/hilarious. I'm talking dry ice on the dance floor awesome.

And I'm talking about the random introduction of sombreros at midnight hilarious. Side bar: somehow in the span of one week I was at two events where I was wearing a sombrero. Pulling. It. Off.


I didn't know anyone except for the person whose date I was and as I met the bride she said, "Oh your dress is so pretty!" For real. Shouldn't I be saying that to her?

After the veal and pasta but before the cheesecake pops (apparently all the rage this year - sigh) the night took an interesting turn as I ended up befriending this 10 year old girl at our table. Yeah. Not sure how this happened, but I think it started because I wanted her to go ask for more potatoes for me. And she did! Then I found her to be extremely useful and oddly fun. I'm not great with kids, but I think I've found my niche - 10 year old girls. They're at that age where someone older than them (I'm sure she thought I was 18) is still fascinating and they look up to girls that are not their mother because they're new and cool.

I remember being this age and wanting to act older and befriend the cool girls. Yes, I am that cool girl. Case in point: she was so helpful in finally getting Spice Girls played. The DJ denied my request, my date's request and my second request. Finally, I sent in the child and it was played right away. She also made me glow stick bracelets and let me have her cake. If only her parents hadn't been watching I could have had her fetch me drinks.

It was surprisingly fun and I felt that I had a small window to impart some wisdom. This is what I came up with when she said she didn't know how to dance: "No one knows how to dance. Just do what feels fun. If it's not fun, don't do it." Seriously. This is my sage advice. First of all, it sounds way to close to that awful saying frequently found on dating profiles "Dance like nobody is watching". Secondly, "If it's not fun, don't do it"? Yeah, that's not going to cause her parents any grief. Why didn't I just tell her to play in traffic and if he buys you dinner.... Ok, I need to refrain from giving out advice in the future.

Another highlight was a major celebrity sighting - funnyman Steve Carrell. In Woodbridge - who knew? I might have asked for an autograph. On my sombrero.

Attention single friends - get married already! I want to go to another wedding. Or my services are available for rent as a wedding date. I'll make "friends" with all the people at table. I will dress up and not embarrass you. Unless they play "Please Mr. Postman" and I'm near the dance floor - then all bets are off. I will not be the DD but I will let you keep the favour. I will help you remember the groom's name when you forget. I will be available for eye-rolling when the maid of honour's speech uses the phrase "two hearts, one soul". Who could refuse?