So I went. I didn't even complain. Eye rolling and making sure not to touch the door handles is not technically complaining.
It was pretty staggy and doey, although extremely well-attended. That's the beauty of a small town. You know what isn't a beauty of a small town? Hockey jerseys acting as shirts.
There was an activity at this event that I hadn't seen before - hammering a nail into a log. That's about it. Since I wanted to be supportive and because the food hadn't come out yet, I stepped up to the plate. The game was affectionately called "Aaron's Whack Off". I hope Aaron was the groom.
I did pretty well and my name went up on the scoreboard (aka piece of construction paper taped to the cinderblock wall). I then lost, then won, then lost, then won (!) money at Crown & Anchor and cringed through some tiny person stepping on my toe. Fair to middling night all around.
That was until my luck began to change.
Apparently my five hammer whacks had earned me a spot in the championships...against the mother of the bride. So we had a Whack Off Off. "I will cruuuush her." Because we were both equally terrible, it took five rounds for me to beat her, but the pride was extraordinary. Oh, she'll be fine - she can experience the pride of seeing her daughter walk down the aisle. Or something. All good, except for my friends now calling me the Whack Off Queen. Although there are worse nicknames.
In addition to the pride that stayed with me all the way until the cake was cut, I received a $25 gift card to McDonald's. Oohhhh yeeaaah.
But that's not all! My night just kept getting better - I won the booze basket! It was filled with a couple hundred dollars worth of random booze - I know the exact amount because I returned it all at the LCBO the next day for things I actually like/am too cheap to try on my own. I don't know who actually drinks Tequila Rose or Sour Puss, but I'm sure there were a couple of townies giving me the evil eye as I paraded the (heavy) basket around the legion hall.
I guess all it takes to make me enjoy the dreaded stag and doe is a little victory and free Big Macs and Chambord. But, please don't make me go again.