Amy, Grant Me Serenity

Ok, listen. I am a reasonable person. But even reasonable people have their limits and I have reached mine – mark it down: Monday January 10 2011 at 7:20pm is the exact time I went stark raving mad. This may also be useful in the police report that will surely follow. There is a bloody cur that has been barking in my neighbourhood for the last 3 nights.

It starts up around 5pm and goes until I leave the house screaming. Tonight I came home a bit early from work, cozied up in an all flannel outfit, fixed myself a dinner of triple crème cheese and red wine and watched the snow fall outside. Somehow, (the red wine?) I fell asleep and was awoken at 7pm by this incessant barking. Ok, so I know I sound like a bit of a wino weirdo, but it was a lovely way to spend the first part of a snowy evening.

This dog. It has a clear pattern – 8 loud, sharp barks in a row followed by a pause of no more than 1 second. It’s really close too, I can sense it. I’m thinking maybe one or two backyards over. I could get it if I really want to. I’m not afraid of pulling an Elaine Benes on this one. I really like dogs though. I do. Dogs like this one are lovely.
But I’m not convinced this barker is actually a dog. It seems more likely that it is a weapon of mass frustration or a really oratorically skilled possum.

I don’t understand why no one else has freaked out about this yet. Are the owners not home? I have come so close to standing on my back porch and screaming “Shuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuttttttttttt uuuuuuuuuuuuuupppppppppppp!!!” if for no other reason than to rally the troops. Is everyone else inside their homes quietly seething too? Why aren’t we doing something? Pitchforks and torches, beating down the door, muzzling the mongrel? That’s what they would do in the good old days. I swear, I’ve had it.

The most annoying thing about this whole ordeal (yep, in sharp contrast to my sleepy cheese night, this is now being referred to as an ordeal) is that I was so desperate to quiet the barking and the evil plotting in my head that I needed to drown it out with anything. I grabbed the first CD I could find and blasted it. You know what CD it was? Amy Grant. Yeah. I didn’t even know I had an Amy Grant CD and now it’s the lesser of two evils and I’m humming some lilty song about Mario Andretti all night. Sanity is shot.

Ok, luckily I have to be somewhere at 7:30 so I will not let go of social decency tonight, but mark my words, if this continues when I return or tomorrow night, I will do something. I don’t know what that is yet, but I will report on it. They can take me down, I don’t care. I won’t stand for this anymore. I think I can get my next door neighbour in on it with me. Look out beast.