I have been mildly perusing the online dating site that I am a member of (I feel the more times I admit it out loud, the easier it will be to accept) and while there seems to be some potential I’ve been too busy to actually pursue them (i.e. email them and ask if they want to find out how awesome I am). Instead, I only have time to check the barrage of weird-o emails I receive.
This one guy who “checked” me out really made me laugh. All day. Still, even now. But I’m sure he wasn’t intending to crack me up. I looked at his profile and found that his interests were listed as:
- Noam Chomsky
- Quantum Theory
Hilarious. He wasn’t kidding around either. I don’t think I could have created a list of interests further from my own. If you know me at all and aren’t cracking a smile thinking of how badly matched we would be… I’ll admit, I had to look up gestalt and I still don’t really know what it is – something German. Paradoxes? Are you kidding me? I’m sure there’s a really witty way to make fun of this using a paradox, but it’s really late and I’d rather go to bed.
Another guy had a picture of his back which was emblazoned with a tattoo. Strike #1 – he has a picture of his back which was emblazoned with a tattoo on his profile. Strike #2 – it said “Whatever your past has been, your future is spotless”. So either this guy is a convict or he’s just really “deep”. Either way: DELETE. Who puts needlepoint philosophy in a tattoo? Or prison graffiti philosophy? I would prefer a butterfly on his ankle or a tramp stamp.
Perhaps, it would be helpful for these guys if I prepared a list of things that really turn girls off, when it comes to online profiles. The following are things I have read/seen lately and that should be avoided:
- Guys who say “I’m back to the site”. Quite a few guys say this. I’m not sure why anyone would want to advertise this. It basically means that you probably left to date some chick and it didn’t work out. Boasting failure is not great. And also, it implies that any of us girls have any idea who you are or care at all that you’ve returned. Nobody cares. Trust me.
- Do not mention your vasectomy or any surgery, illness or disease you may have. Full disclosure is not sexy.
- Do not post pictures of your car, motorcycle or you in a flexing pose. Avoid self portraits in a mirror as well. Don't you have any friends who can take a picture for you? Similarly, to the guys who are posting pictures of them in a wedding: we see through this. You’re probably thinking: “Hmm, if I show them a picture of me in a tux beside someone who is getting married, they’ll think I’m marriage material and girls always swoon for a tux.” I’m thinking: “Forced, man. It’s forced.” But, sadly, the tux part is true.
- Attention: I know what N/A means under level of education. Do you not remember that I filled out the same form for my profile? I know N/A means high school or less. Why not lie here, guy? Shallow or not, I’m not going to get excited about someone who only completed high school. That’s not to say there aren’t great guys like that, but with online dating, it’s all about the easily digestable stats. I've deleted guys for less.
- Do not post a picture of you wearing a sleeveless tee. To expand, do not ever wear a sleeveless tee.
Thank goodness I only have to put up with this for a few more months (according to the terms of the bet I lost with my friend). However, whatever will I blog about after that? Uh oh.