Monday, May 25, 2009

"Year of Yes" - look where it got me

This is the "Year of Yes" which means I am trying to say yes to every invitation even if it is something I normally wouldn't go out of my way to attend. I like the possibility that comes with going out and doing things. It could be fun, hilarious, boring, scary, sober, drunk, or the "Best Time Ever"...but whatever it turns out to be, I guarantee it wouldn't have happened sitting at home, well maybe the boring part.

So, adhering to this philosophy, I said yes to a strange invitation this weekend - a bodybuilding competition. Yeah. To me, this kind of thing falls in with wrestling and Jackass movies: disgusting and completely inane. I don't understand this subculture and especially their motivation. I don't get it!
I went with Paul, a personal trainer who knew some people competing. We drive out to Mississauga, to a high school (?!) and park among a sea of Hummers, most of which took up two parking spaces because their drivers are a specific kind of moron. This is the scene as we arrive:


It was like high school all jacked up. Add a couple skateboards and Doc Martens and you have Delta Secondary, circa 1997.

We walk in and instantly feel fat. And pale. And feminine, even Paul. The hallways were lined with booths selling protein powder, power bars, steroid flavoured gum, and 'posing suits' (which are pretty much a string bikini with less fabric and more sequins...way more). The place was packed with people. I say 'people' but I'm not quite sure. All I saw were veins and bulges with eyes and toes attached.

I was agape the entire night and didn't know where to look. I tried to keep my gasps and comments to myself because these things could cripple me by shaking my hand, but it was impossible. It was all too disgusting and remarkable to keep quiet. We kept giggling and pointing and I was trying to wrap my head around it all.

It was a learning experience if nothing else. Apparently in addition to a leather handbag fake tan, competitors paint themselves with this Pro-Tan stuff that makes them the colour of...I can't even think of anything. I've literally sat here for 5 minutes trying to find the right word to evoke the colour, but have failed. It's so unnatural, you've never seen this shade.

I refused to pay the exorbitant admission fee of $40 so we just watched from the door(and later snuck in for 10 minutes) - and besides, do I really want to sit and watch them pose on stage for 3 hours? It was way better to hang out in the halls with everyone and see the freakiness up close. Way better? Maybe that's the wrong phrase.

There was this one girl in an outfit that had 'Pimp' emblazoned on her ass. Every 'woman' wore stripper shoes and fake hair. One guy had pimples all over his body, which I learned is from steroids. They all looked like they were in pain as they walked - their muscles were slowly choking them.


There was this one girl we called "Fake Tan Chubb". She had the glittery outfit, her skin was doing its best impression of a lobster wearing bronzer, and yet she was totally chubby and out of shape. We think she was a groupie that really got into the whole scene, but really wasn't able to compete.

It occured to me that the guys who do this are all pretty unattractive, even without the muscles. That, coupled with the Hummers in the parking lot, makes me think that the whole lifestyle is geared towards people overcompensating for something. Yeah.

I could have saved myself all the words in this post by just putting up the following pictures. For there are no words - they say it all. Enjoy. (FYI: the guy on the right is a white guy.)



3 comments:

  1. OMFG - that is the grossiest/most amazing thing I have EVER seen. It reminds of that night we went to Music (or whatever that club was called - you know at Ontario Place) and we were in a booth next to body builders. I couldn't stop starring all night long...fascinatingly gross.

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  2. OMG - thank you for not ruining the surprise for me. I NEEDED to see these pics.

    I really have no response - I think I'm speachless. Wow.

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  3. Those pics are just the tip of the iceberg!

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