The Rub-down Breakdown

This past Friday, my boss treated Joanna and I to a spa afternoon at Hammam. Serenity, relaxation, zen - this is what we were promised. We all booked massages, robed up and drank cucumber water. What is the point of cucumber water, by the way? Why not chocolate flavoured water?

I've never really been a masssage person. My mother blames this on her not massaging me when I was a baby, thus ruining my spa experiences for life. I have been for one prior massage, also a gift and also unpleasant. But I put that behind me as I shimmied under the sheet.

During the 45 minutes I was on the table, the following thoughts entered my head at one point or another:

- Mmmm, sleepy...
- Why does it feel like my stomach has a pulse?
- Oh, okay, um....oww
- Is she knuckling my armpit?
- I wish there was a TV under this face thing.
- No, I can't relax. It's YOU that's making me tense.
- If my massage therapist was a man, would this be better?
- What was that she was touching me with? Elbow? Forehead?
- Seriously, stop it!
- Oh, okay, that's my ass.
- I wonder if they check out our underwear - mine's cool today.
- Stop it, stop it, stop it!
- Relax, Melissa, relax....
- Yes, she is definitely knuckling my armpit.
- When are we going to eat?
- It feels like she's massaging the grizzle on a chicken wing. But I think it's my leg.
- No thanks, my windpipe is fine, please stop squeezing it.
- Please make it STOP.

I think it is my lot in life to be tense. So what. I've dealt with it, 'therapist', you should too. Leave all the muscles alone. Please. Am I that abnormal? Do people really love this? And pay for it? I tried sheepishly admitting that the pressure was too much, but I think she thought she was rolling out pastry.

The steam room was really fun, except that the towel they give you to sit beside your boss in, is smaller than the amount of skin you want to show to said boss. It felt like I had done a massive workout. Scratch that - no workout would ever do that. Nor would I ever do a massive workout.

We topped the day off with cocktails at the Spoke Club, which I had never been to before, since I'm not a member. Really like exclusive places. Mostly, just because they're exclusive. Yeah, I know.

Overall, great day, and I must say that my knuckled armpit does feel quite relaxed and loose.