There’s no way to pretend these magazines aren’t sitting on my coffee table as I type right now and they’re pretty central to this post, so I’ll just say it. Yes, sometimes I read Glamour magazine. Unnecessary, yet somewhat obligatory justification: I don’t have a subscription, I only borrow from the library, I do not read Cosmopolitan – Glamour is the Thinking Woman’s fluff.Whatever. Go back to your Sartre.
I was glancing over the covers today and I had to laugh – the feature headlines intended to grab my attention are pretty hilarious. I completely understand why men think we are crazy. Here is a sampling, what today’s woman is referring to as she manoeuvers through the world:
- Nine Ways To Never Feel Tired – Other than Sleep, Continue Sleeping, and Lay Down For A Second, I can’t imagine what else they could tell us. Don’t give me that exercise crap.
- What Men Notice When You’re Naked – Well, this is actually helpful. I’ve always wondered. Instep of my left foot? Back of knees? Winning personality? Elbows? I’m going to read that one. I’ll let you know.
- The Magic 2 Minute Updo – I’m presuming this is also called That Scrunchie You Have In Your Drawer. Yep, That One. Bring It Out.
- 10 Things More Important Than Those Last Five Pounds – this was right beside The Female Stress Crisis. Hmm.
- Jennifer Lopez ‘That Tiger’s Still In There’ – Oh brother. And she’s wearing a leopard print bustier. Yes, Block Jenny, we get it – you’re still wild and caliente.
- Do Your Clothes Flatter Your Face? – I mean, other than making sure my clothes don’t cover my face, what more can I do? Try and match the shade of my eyebrows?
- 10 Most Wearable Dresses – What is this?? Who is buying dresses for a purpose other than wearing them??
- Carrie Underwoood – How Marriage Has Changed Her – Uh, well, she probably has to stop seeing other men, but no, no, it must really affect her music.
- What Men Notice When You’re Naked – Well, this is actually helpful. I’ve always wondered. Instep of my left foot? Back of knees? Winning personality? Elbows? I’m going to read that one. I’ll let you know.
- The Magic 2 Minute Updo – I’m presuming this is also called That Scrunchie You Have In Your Drawer. Yep, That One. Bring It Out.
- 10 Things More Important Than Those Last Five Pounds – this was right beside The Female Stress Crisis. Hmm.
- Jennifer Lopez ‘That Tiger’s Still In There’ – Oh brother. And she’s wearing a leopard print bustier. Yes, Block Jenny, we get it – you’re still wild and caliente.
- Do Your Clothes Flatter Your Face? – I mean, other than making sure my clothes don’t cover my face, what more can I do? Try and match the shade of my eyebrows?
- 10 Most Wearable Dresses – What is this?? Who is buying dresses for a purpose other than wearing them??
- Carrie Underwoood – How Marriage Has Changed Her – Uh, well, she probably has to stop seeing other men, but no, no, it must really affect her music.
So, there you have it. This is what the modern girls are equipped with as they go about their lives. Best of luck to everyone.
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