Hallowe'ek

It is Hallowe'en once again. Every November 1st I vow that next year I will start early and come up with a creative and unique costume that will make fellow revelers nod their head in appreciation. However, once again, like every other year, it is October 26 and I am scrambling. I considered the Paper Bag Princess, but ruled it out because it wasn't very flattering, plus I wasn't sure everyone knew who that was. So, I decided upon another character - but I won't tell you what it is just yet.


I spent an hour and $20 at Value Village and found something that I will fashion into my costume. It requires cutting and sewing, but I will likely use a stapler instead.


I realized that the last 3 costumes I've worn have had me wearing a bun in my hair. And not one of them was Princess Leia! This year to shake things up, I've got a wig. It is ridiculously large. Right now it is sitting on a paint can in my basement as I try to tame it.


This is the first year that I will be able to hand out candy as a real life homeowner. However, since I am at the side of the house, I doubt anyone will come. Which suits me just fine. I'd much rather go see a movie and then stock up on 1/2 price candy the next day. I've been so busy I haven't even carved a pumpkin this year. But, I swear, just because I'm the miser on the street, if some punks egg my house, I will....man, I wish I could follow this up with an actual threat.


*later that week*

Ok, another clue, I have just returned from Michael's where I purchased a sheet of white foam paper for my costume.

Randomness

I've been up in Kitchener this week for a work project. Kitchener is really annoying. As a Hamiltonian, I am allowed to rag on Kitchener for it is lower than us on the city food chain. I can also slag on London (my least favourite southern Ontario city), Brantford and Windsor. But back to Kitchener - it sucks. The street layout, the lack of logic in Tim Hortons drive thru lanes, the pizza delivery system, the Home Depot signage. Sure, you may not find these things important, but it certainly was at 3am. After driving there twice, I still don't really know how to get there. I kept ending up in Woodstock or Milton - it's like my car didn't even want to go there.

However, the one thing that was good about my Kitchener stay was that we ate breakfast at Cora's (both days because there were no other options!).

Hamilton has a Cora's but I've never been. When I lived in Ottawa I went a couple times and I really love a place that dedicates itself to one thing. And breakfast is glorious. I would like to see a restaurant that dedicated itself to grilled cheese. Only grilled cheese, but every possible type. Call it WonderKraft.

Attention: Every Single Other Breakfast Place, follow Cora's lead and create a menu item that has ALL of the following:

- bacon or other meat

- French toast (Brioche if possible)

- fruit

- eggs

- toast

I always want all these elements but no one offers this. It was splendid. How hard is this? Call it the Winnie.

------------------------------------------------

How is is that I have been on 3 first dates at a Milestone's? Actually, at the same Milestone's. I didn't even realize this until halfway through my salad the other day, but something about me says, "Take me to Milestone's". Why are their menus so heavy and huge? I usually just order something on the first page because I can't be bothered to flip through.

------------------------------------------------

I obviously like my Tupperware, however, it wasn't until recently that I realized how much it can actually do. Get ready to have your mind blown.

Exhibit A: A is for Aw, bummer, that celery is so limp...

Exhibit B: B is for But wait! The Tupperware Lady told me that this new container will bring dead vegetables back to life...

Exhibit C: C is for crisp celery, ready to crunch!
Sure, I did end up throwing it out still, but it did work. I know a great Tupperware guy - Tupperman Dan - if anyone would like some for themselves.

---------------------------------------------

It is official, my domination of the southern Ontario real estate celebrity realm is gaining speed. I have now been in the Spec Homes section of the Spectator two Saturdays in a row. Luckily this week, they featured the picture with me wearing shoes. Soon I will surely have my own design column on how to come across in the media as a designer without having any training whatsoever.

I've been surprised how many people read the Homes section as I've had several people call me about the article. Ok, fine, so one of them was my friend's mom, but it still counts. Each week I creep a little closer to the front page.

----------------------------------------------

Smile Text of the Week:

Hey crackerpants! How are things?

Can't help but smile at the absurdity.

Well done, PT.

----------------------------------------------

Vote it, Just Vote it

Ontario voted. Did you?

I did. Later that day my mom came to the door and declared, "I don't care who you vote for, but get out and vote!!" After I told her I already had, she was pleased, but then once I told her who I voted for, the smile faded. I guess she does care who I vote for...

Over the past few weeks, the campaigning has been in full force. Somehow, I ended up with a candidate's sign on my lawn. I didn't put there and I don't even think my tenants are legal to vote. Another thing that baffles me is why candidates think it a viable campaign tactic to stand on street corners and wave at traffic. No, really, am I the only one who thinks this is stupid?

Look at me! I'm on the street! I'm one of you. Wave at me, honk at me, vote for me!!! Wavey, wavey, wavey, wavey. Weeeee!!!

I'm always embarrassed for them. I was also embarrassed for the councillor candidate in my ward who had spelling errors in her pamphlet. It was very amateur, but I'm sure she got a good mark on it for her social studies class.

I found it amusing that of the mayoral candidates the fourth place runner up was the guy who I (and everyone else) only knows as the "Pothead Guy". Awesome, Hamilton. Sure, he only had 2% or something, but that's still fourth.

That's what I thought!!

Pot Calls Kettle Black, Gets Put In Place

It is surprising how many people misuse the word 'ignorant'. For example, the crazy woman who verbally assaulted me yesterday. Let me break it down for you.

We were getting some candles that are in the shape of pies delivered to our office - don't ask, it's ridiculous. Crazy Woman called me to ensure that I would be in the office to accept the delivery. I said I would. A little while later I went to the washroom, which is in the basement of our office. This must have been the exact moment that Crazy came to our door, which was locked. (Have you ever hung around downtown Hamilton? The weirdos will walk right in if you don't lock it.)

I didn't hear the door and when I returned a moment later I listened to the voicemail she had left. She told me that they were going to leave the delivery next door. Fine. No problem. However, then the Crazy forgot or, perhaps, was ignorant of how to turn her phone off and I was treated to a 5 minute message of her complaining about me.

"What an idiot!"
"She's so ignorant! After I set up the appointment... I can't believe her. So ignorant."
"And she was really rude on the phone too! Tsk tsk, so ignorant."

Ok, listen Crazy, that is not the correct use of that word. What is the matter with you? I was not ignorant. I was in the bathroom! If anything, I was ignorant of the fact that you were a lunatic and if I had known would not have taken a bathroom break.

So, naturally, I'm not going to stand for this. No one calls me an idiot or ignorant and gets away with it - especially when it's not true. I called her back and, I have to say, it was the most satisfying phone call. However, now I'm out of a stupid pie candle supplier because I made a big stink about telling her she lost a customer. :) Whatever. How about this: a regular pie or a candle that is not a pie? These are fine options, I think.

Summer survives

Just when you thought fall had its death grip on us all, along comes a beautiful Indian summer day. There is nothing better than lying on a blanket in the park.

I finally switched over my clothes - depressing. Look how colourful and bright my summer clothes are:

Now, here are my dreary winter clothes, save for that one bright pink dress which, let's be honest, I'll never wear:

Sigh. I think the answer might be that I need more clothes. Please ignore the pair of matching dresses there in the middle. There is a slight difference in colour! It was warranted.

Love Fest

**Please note: this post was written while under the influence and may account for the overly emotional and dramatic nature of the post. Drunk blogging is one step worse than drunk texting. But, what the heck? Things you say while drunk are usually how you really feel. **

Have you ever loved and missed somebody so much that when you see them and hug them you wish you could be even closer? Like, you wish you could hug them from the inside. There is someone in my life that I don’t get to see that often anymore and when I think of them and remember our times together I am so wistful and sad, it becomes physically painful. The memories are so wonderful and intense that I can’t take thinking of them sometimes.

I was so lucky to have had them in my life for the two years they were and now it breaks me to reminisce and be reminded that distance and circumstance has taken us from that place. The place where we could finish each other’s thoughts and were so inseparable. The bond we shared was so great and it’s deeply depressing to know that we don’t share that bond anymore.

Every day spent with this person was hilarious. At least once every day, we were laughing to the point of doubling over. He was talented, funny, and we made the best team. Now, we chat every so often but we can’t be in the place we were before unless things change. I miss him so much. It makes me cry when I remember us and everything we went through together.


As LG Fashion Week starts this week, he is on my mind especially.
I like to hope and look forward to a time when we'll be able to be in each other's lives again.

I tried to compile a list of all the hilarious things we used to do and all the ways he made me laugh, but it didn't really translate. In any event, he's one of my favourite people. More than a boss, but of course, way less than a boyfriend - :) Love you Dittmer!

Eggsactly!

The latest billboard to puzzle me – I seem to spend more time than I should considering the messages in billboards – are the egg farmers advertisements. I don’t get this. The same way I didn’t really get the Got Milk ads, although I did enjoy them.

Why are the farmers concerned about increasing people’s awareness about eggs and milk? These are basics – of course we’re going to buy them. And I don’t care what brand I buy, I put no thought into it other than checking to see that the eggs are not cracked. It’s like advertising for the LCBO - of course I'm going to get my booze there. What am I going to do? Make my own?! There are no other options. Same with eggs and milk.

The only things I really need to know about eggs are who is buying the eggs that come in size small and how do I hard boil them without them turning grey? And, to be honest and risk coming off as an ignoramus, if instead of cooking the eggs I kept them warm, would they hatch into chickens? No, really, I don’t know.

It reminds me of this time in grad school when I was living with a bunch of strangers and I kept hearing things in the fridge. I was convinced it was a hatching chicken and made my roommate investigate with me to make sure I wasn’t crazy. Turns out I was and we didn’t really speak much after that.

Important Potato Chip Announcement

I’m not sure if you all are aware of this, but I feel it is my duty as blogging citizen to tell you that:
Sour Cream & Bacon flavoured chips are back!!!!

I don’t where they have been, but I haven’t been able to find them for at least 3 years. Maybe 4. I’ve been tricked by Ruffles several times and mistakenly bought Hot Wing flavor and Au Gratin flavor. Similar packaging, very different chemical taste.

Sure, I don’t know how they make the flavor, but I don’t want to know. And if I really think about it, I’m not sure they taste like bacon or sour cream. But they are scrumptious. Look into it.
That is all.

More online dating blahs

I have been mildly perusing the online dating site that I am a member of (I feel the more times I admit it out loud, the easier it will be to accept) and while there seems to be some potential I’ve been too busy to actually pursue them (i.e. email them and ask if they want to find out how awesome I am). Instead, I only have time to check the barrage of weird-o emails I receive.

This one guy who “checked” me out really made me laugh. All day. Still, even now. But I’m sure he wasn’t intending to crack me up. I looked at his profile and found that his interests were listed as:
- Philosophy
- Electronica
- Dreams
- Paradoxes
- Ideas
- Noam Chomsky
- Quantum Theory
- Vegetarianism
- Gestalt
- Meditation

Hilarious. He wasn’t kidding around either. I don’t think I could have created a list of interests further from my own. If you know me at all and aren’t cracking a smile thinking of how badly matched we would be… I’ll admit, I had to look up gestalt and I still don’t really know what it is – something German. Paradoxes? Are you kidding me? I’m sure there’s a really witty way to make fun of this using a paradox, but it’s really late and I’d rather go to bed.

Another guy had a picture of his back which was emblazoned with a tattoo. Strike #1 – he has a picture of his back which was emblazoned with a tattoo on his profile. Strike #2 – it said “Whatever your past has been, your future is spotless”. So either this guy is a convict or he’s just really “deep”. Either way: DELETE. Who puts needlepoint philosophy in a tattoo? Or prison graffiti philosophy? I would prefer a butterfly on his ankle or a tramp stamp.

Perhaps, it would be helpful for these guys if I prepared a list of things that really turn girls off, when it comes to online profiles. The following are things I have read/seen lately and that should be avoided:

- Guys who say “I’m back to the site”. Quite a few guys say this. I’m not sure why anyone would want to advertise this. It basically means that you probably left to date some chick and it didn’t work out. Boasting failure is not great. And also, it implies that any of us girls have any idea who you are or care at all that you’ve returned. Nobody cares. Trust me.

- Do not mention your vasectomy or any surgery, illness or disease you may have. Full disclosure is not sexy.

- Do not post pictures of your car, motorcycle or you in a flexing pose. Avoid self portraits in a mirror as well. Don't you have any friends who can take a picture for you? Similarly, to the guys who are posting pictures of them in a wedding: we see through this. You’re probably thinking: “Hmm, if I show them a picture of me in a tux beside someone who is getting married, they’ll think I’m marriage material and girls always swoon for a tux.” I’m thinking: “Forced, man. It’s forced.” But, sadly, the tux part is true.

- Attention: I know what N/A means under level of education. Do you not remember that I filled out the same form for my profile? I know N/A means high school or less. Why not lie here, guy? Shallow or not, I’m not going to get excited about someone who only completed high school. That’s not to say there aren’t great guys like that, but with online dating, it’s all about the easily digestable stats. I've deleted guys for less.

- Do not post a picture of you wearing a sleeveless tee. To expand, do not ever wear a sleeveless tee.

Thank goodness I only have to put up with this for a few more months (according to the terms of the bet I lost with my friend). However, whatever will I blog about after that? Uh oh.

I am the Barefoot Contessa

I apologize for not blogging as often as I would like. Work has been a little hectic lately – I never thought I’d say this, but I can’t wait for November to arrive.

We’ve been doing some model homes lately for a local builder and it’s been tying up lots of time. Do you have any idea how much work it is to fill 5 empty homes to make them look like they’ve been lived in? Take stock of the room you’re in right now (if you’re at home) – how many things are there in there? 50? 60? Now multiply that by 60 rooms and limit your time to two weeks. Argh.

It’s all turned out really well though, enough to get us in the newspaper. Well, the Homes section, which no one really reads – at least I don’t. I came to the opening after a week of 18 hour days just to show my face and grab a free donut again. However, there were other plans for me. The next thing I know, I’m in the ribbon cutting, doing web interviews and posing for photos with our team and the CEOs of the building company. I was not at all prepared for this.

On 4 hours sleep and zero minutes of shower, I showed up with crazy hair that I had wrangled into a ponytail. Luckily my outfit was okay, but if you look closely, I’m wearing dark jeans. My saving grace, or so I thought, was my awesome pair of heels.

Then we’re asked to pose in the houses and because they’re models, everyone is asked to remove their shoes. Since it is October, everyone is wearing socks. Except for me, because my shoes were peep toe wedges and I felt style was more important than warmth on that cold day.

Here is one of the pictures that is in the Hamilton Spectator. I look ridiculous. Seriously, am I really sitting next to the CEO with barefeet? In the next photo I put my shoes on (and promptly got mud on the carpet) and managed to look a little more professional. I think it’s a general rule to not be found barefoot near any CEO of any kind.At the office, I’m now referred to as Barefoot Contessa. Although I feign embarrassment, I secretly love this.

There's a reason 13 is a bad number

Last night, I attended a bat mitzvah rehearsal, which, yes, is as boring as it sounds. Especially for someone who is neither Jewish, part of the family or used to being surrounded by so much orange carpeting. Have you been in a synagogue recently?

As I watched the girl have her photograph taken, I wished I could tell her how everything will turn out. She was in a seemingly surly mood and only flashed a smile a moment before the camera’s flash. Being 13, she was obviously uncomfortable in her own skin, easily miserable and prone to sulky drama. I remember this. It was the worst.

I wish I could tell her that yes, right now is when you will look and feel the most unattractive in your entire life. Gone are the days of being a cute child and you haven’t grown into the beauty or at least confidence of adulthood. You will always look back at these photos and cringe. I too was an awkward pre-teen. So were Gisele Bundchen, Katie Holmes and Carolina Herrera, the most elegant looking woman on earth. You will grow out of this.

For me, the technology of my youth didn’t help my case. My parents got a video camera right around my 12th birthday. My younger brothers were at the adorable ages of 5 and 9. There are no worse years to have captured on film than those from 12-17. Who am I kidding? 20. So whenever we have a family movie night or reminisce over old videos, my brothers are sickeningly cute while I am the gangly, awkward (both socially and physically) grasshopper of a pre-teen trying to get attention. The camera did not love me. I shudder as I think of it. Where was the video camera when I was the world’s most beautiful child? No, really. I was.

This photo pretty much sums me up in 8th grade:

New glasses that I thought were awesome. They took up half my face.
Bangs. Oh, the bangs.
Crazy outfit that I also thought was awesome. I’m pretty sure my peers were doing the whole ‘one-shoulder’ overall look, but I am a purist.
My eyes closed, which indicates my awkwardness, as does my pose. I’m probably pretty nervous here. This ended up going on the bulletin board in my classroom.
You can’t see it, but I have ‘clear’ braces on as well. Luckily my parents didn’t make me wear the headgear to school. Actually, that doesn’t sound right. Perhaps they did but I blocked it out. Also not pictured, my legs that were not unlike the railing I’m leaning against and clear jelly shoes.
If this isn’t Winnie Cooper, I don’t know who is.