Randomness

Why is the entire ad campaign for Coors Light centred around the fact that it is cold? When in fact, making the beer cold is my job. And really, does the temperature affect the taste? It's so inane.

I saw a dead rat in the middle of the highway. How? Why?

One of my favourite things about commuting is seeing those big farm trailers on the highway filled with pigs or sheep or cows. It makes me laugh when I see a pig's snout pushing out those little holes. Then it makes me want a ham sandwich.

Gift certificates. I love them (Hello? Free money!) but I don't seem to know how to use them. Instead, I stockpile them in a little Baggie O' Freebies until they either expire or until I find something really worthwhile to spend them on. My rationale is that perhaps there will be a time when I will be more broke than I am right now. This is neither healthy nor true and yet I still have a hard time letting them go.

Status of Unrequited Crush

Yeah, that's over. Or at least I'm trying to move past it. Turns out he's a workaholic and while it's perhaps not the worst of the 'aholics', there is something really not sexy about someone who doesn't know when to stop working.

*clean segue into career talk*

I've been thinking a lot lately about My Brilliant Career. I've never really known what I wanted to do. All through high school when my friends were talking about becoming lawyers (never happened, by the way) or accountants (absolutely did happen) or even models (pah!) I was floundering around. I went to university because that's what you're supposed to do and then fell into a menial administrative job.

Then, seemingly on a dare or to fulfill a fantasty (yeah.) I went and got a Masters degree in the Art of Being a Librarian. During the program I was bored out of my mind, but still thought I could make it work and at least I had some direction.

Fast forward to today and I am not a librarian, although I still use it as a pick up line - works every time. I am working in event planning at a small company with people I adore. It fits me to a tee, but I need to figure out a way to make it a full-fledged, move-out, be-a-grown-up career.

While I work that out, I like to daydream about other jobs that I would like to do. And of course, I mean for only a week or two, before the reality set in.

- mail carrier
Pros: walk around all day, alone, getting exercise, listen to music
Cons: small yappy dogs, rain, uniform - my legs don't hold up well to shorts and hiking boots

- hotel housekeeper
Pros: I really like to clean and restore order, I like little toiletries, could watch tv while I work, could take any money I find, right?, chocolates
Cons: used condoms, vomit, making someone else's bed, people stealing things off my cart

- FedEx delivery driver
Pros: drive around all day, alone, everyone loves to get packages, they'd always be happy to see me, I like to drive a big truck with a full size door
Cons: I fear the uniform would be brown and again with the shorts and boots, heavy lifting

Perhaps I should just stick with what I'm doing, where if I actually did wear brown shorts and boots to work I would surely be fired.

The Supermarket

Wow, it's been a while since I've posted. I've been swamped at work with some very cool events (pictures to follow). I'm finally taking a couple days off and my reintroduction to society is going quite well.

June has been a month of birthdays and I've been cooking large family dinners recently - salmon, paella, shrimp...and countless desserts. I've always loved baking, but am starting to enjoy cooking.

Grocery shopping will always remain as one of my favourite things to do. I used to love being introduced to new things when The Chef and I would go. I was always amazed at what he would do with the ingredients. When I shop, I usually take my recipe book with me and rarely stray from the instructions - I'm not that confident yet. Although I did go a little crazy and substitute red peppers for yellow peppers.

The produce section is naturally the best part - I feel so yuppie and urbane as I pretend to know how to check for a ripe avocado and as I read the labels to determine how locally grown the tomato is.

Is Hamilton that much of a hick town that I can't find saffron and fresh cooked lobster? I was pissed, and even though I love my aunt, I wasn't about to spend $45.50 on frozen lobster for the paella. If I lived in the Hamptons like my beloved Barefoot Contessa, I would have no problem. And what the heck is Pernod?

Whenever I pool my pennies to go to a supermarket with frills, I always enjoy using the self-checkout. It reminds me of when I was young and would play cashier (I always had high career aspirations). The satisfying *beep* and the art of packing the bags - I try not to smile widely as I do it. If only I could request a 'clean up in aisle three'.

The unrequited crush

Ok, I've struggled with the fact that I am indeed arrogant enough to say the following line, but here goes: when I decide to have an honest-to-goodness crush on someone, I am a little bit shocked when they are able to resist my charms.

It's like that line on Sex and the City: "Am I not as attractive as I think I am?" What is going on? Doesn't he realize that I've decided to project my crush energies in his direction - why does he seem to be oblivious? What happens now is that I'm in a perpetual 10th grade state. When you like someone and they don't know you exist? I'm looking at you, Mr. Welsh. When school was just an excuse to pass by his locker while hoping not to trip. (I was a gangly, all-limbed teenager - tripping was a constant risk.)

Argh - it's super frustrating. I have two choices: to step it up (which I fear may include going to the gym or pretending to be interested in snowmobiles) or give it up (which is the easier-said-than-done option). Blah.

3 Events for Three Events

Crazy week ahead with work - three major events, one of which will get us major press. What does one wear to a $75000/table gala? Or more accurately, what does one wear who won't actually be dining at aforementioned table, but instead will be setting up the spacey Barbarella decor and probably ducking out for a Big Mac while Mark McEwan serves up....well, I don't know, but likely something that is not a Big Mac.

The theme is White Hot, but I'm thinking Black Subtle is the way to go - plus I need something I can move sofas in. It's so strange going to all these VIP events and yet really being a total outsider. We will drink champagne and schmooze with the best but really we're thinking of all the work that is ahead when the last limousine has pulled away.

Another event we're doing next week is a wedding. This project has been my baby for the last six months and I've loved every minute. I think this kind of work fits me to a tee. Yes, yes, I'm Jennifer Lopez, except without the atrocious powder blue suit and that awful Jimmy Choo line.

The bride and groom are more friends than clients so I think it will be a lot of fun. It reminds me of my golf club days where technically we were working, but we spent most of the time drinking, dancing and hitting on cute groomsmen.

Lisa Raitt

Ok, am I the only one who doesn't think this whole "sexy isotope" Lisa Raitt scandal is that big a deal? Granted, I've only read one small article, but I still don't see why it's been blown up so big.

I am not saying that politicians (or real people, for that matter) should be flippant about cancer, however, I kind of agree with her comment. Hot button issues are sexy. They get press, people care about them, as George Constanza puts it: they've got cache, baby! So, if she wants to admit that the issue is sexy and that she's looking forward to getting credit for fixing the problem, what's wrong with that? It is and she will.

I would never misinterpret her comment as a lack of compassion for cancer patients. She's not a stranger to losing loved ones to cancer and while this doesn't make her immune from criticism, I think we're persecuting her a little too much.

If everything I said was subject to inspection by the masses, particularly things I say in private, well...you know, bad things would happen.

Randomness

My sheets were out on the clothesline this past weekend and a bird crapped on them. Yeah.

Why did apple juice never take off as a cocktail mix? Gin and apple juice anyone?

Discovering what lurks behind someone's bed and in the back of their closets will pretty much eliminate a budding crush. Moving their furniture into the middle of the room for the painters unearths things that girls just shouldn't see.

Where does all the anger come from? After a completely blissful day that included with a 3 hour nap on the porch swing in the afternoon it was still possible for me to get completely angry over something that some people would find trivial. I still maintain that it was a legitimate reason to be annoyed, but why can't I let it go? Half of it is a 'bit' but the other half is me really mad. I have to stop ruining things and simmer.

Trivia opponents beware: Kevin and I have begun our trivia summer school. We're brushing up and getting better. There will be no stopping us.

Summer Goals 2009

I am a person who enjoys making lists. I enjoy crossing things off my list even more. Sometimes I'll make lists with items like: make bed, shower, wear pants, or eat cereal just so I can cross them off.

I have created a list of things to do during Summer 2009.

- go to the batting cages (I have a sneaking suspicion that while I am not very strong, I have a incredible sense of hand-eye coordination. No, really.)

- drink as much pink lemonade as possible

- go to Dairy Queen at least once every two weeks (would every week be too much?)

- have a picnic in the park (last summer Naomi and I befriended a ballsy squirrel)

- Beats, Breaks & Culture Fest at Harbourfront Centre with Katy (I expect it to be reminiscent of this hip hop sneaker pimp thing I went to in Ottawa with a friend who was way more street than I am. I stood out.)

- see "Julie vs. Julia" with Katy in August

- spend an entire day shopping up and down Queen Street - from Parliament to Lansdowne.

- visit the Toronto Zoo

- drive to Saugeen Bluffs, the best Ontario beach I have ever been to

- read "Rich Dad, Poor Dad" and "Love In The Time Of Cholera"

- wear as many dresses as possible. 2009 is the summer of dresses. 2008 was shorts and 2007 was skirts. Obviously.

This is an ongoing list. I'm so glad summer is here and I can't wait to get started.

Summer Project

The only good thing about finding out that LCBO has stolen my (fine, our) idea for an alcohol and mix traveller is that it came with a cocktail recipe book.

We have three months to conquer each drink. I'm sure it will only take 16 or 17 days, but just in case we procrastinate and slide back to our regular cocktails, it's good to have the buffer. There are approximately 25-30 drinks in the book.

This past weekend we tried the following drinks and I took a picture of what they should look like beside how they actually turned out. So far, 50% success rate.

Blueberry Collins

Absolut Fuzzy

It's a meaty read...

These women??

I've been watching 30Rock recently and although it is completely clever, hilarious and should not be missed, it's made me think of something. Liz Lemon is the main character, the comedic heroine. Yes, she's funny, successful, smart as a whip and endearing, but besides that, she's a bit of a mess. She's sloppy, dresses like a style-challenged teenage boy, is frequently late, always has lettuce in her hair, is clueless about men - she's all over the place.

Then I thought about Carrie Bradshaw from Sex and The City. Sure, she's stylish, but she's a wreck too. Always late, disorganized, messy (I guess), at times dysfunctional and completely self absorbed - her life is often in disarray.

And what about Bridget Jones? Super messy, slobby, terrible fashion sense, constantly late, always getting into jams, no skills with men, boozehound - reading her diary is like reading something a hangover would write.

Sure, these women and their foibles make them highly entertaining and amusing. But why are they great to watch - because we're secretly happy we've got it more together than them? Would it be so wrong to have female television lead characters that are organized, clean, polished and put together? Women who do the following things:

- write thank you cards
- bring an umbrella if it looks like rain
- make their bed every morning
- get up on time and eat breakfast

Although it may seem like it, I'm not suggesting that I do all these things or that I'm the picture of put togetherness. But why do women have to be all over the place to be funny?

All that aside, I think the name Lemon is what I will call my future dog. Unless it seems too much like he's defective. Hmm.

Garage Sale Finds - #2

Ok, church garage sales are the best - way better than the crap you find at homeowner ones. Plus it's guaranteed that dozens of little old ladies are unloading some gems. I'm a slight bit worried that I am picking up things that don't befit a 27 year old...I'm prematurely aging through these purchases.

"Love in the Time of Cholera" by Gabriel Garcia Marquez

Shari Black has been bugging me to read this book ever since I met her. The fact that it was once an Oprah's Book Club selection doesn't help, but I will consider it this summer.

Vintage beaded clutch

Such a steal at 0.70. Super chic and reminds me of the 1920s. It's in perfect condition. I may take it out with me tonight. This was my favourite purchase today.

Tupperware pie slice holder

Last week I got the entire pie holder and now I can take just a slice with me. However, if I'm being realistic, I never just take one slice of pie. Come on. But, more classic Tupperware!

Springform pan

Barefoot Contessa always uses these. Cheesecake anyone?

Lemon juicer

My mom has one of these, but this one is much bigger. It's old school but I think they work better than those new fangled electric juicers.

Glass serving bowl

Is this too old for me? I like the shape - seems art deco or something. As long as I don't fill it with Waldorf Salad or turnip, I may be able to pull it off.

Monogrammed "M" glass

Yeah, this really pissed me off. There were two of these glasses and as I carried it around (in my springform pan) I dropped one and it smashed on the floor. (Hmmm, maybe the springform pan isn't as great as I thought.) Everyone gasped and glared at me for spoiling potential church donations. I overpaid on the other items to make up for it.

Coleman drink cooler

Isn't it required that every Canadian own one of these? Looks brand new. The next time I sneak snacks into the movie I can try to smuggle this too. It's about the same quantity as the jumbo size you'd buy there anyway. (Ok, I'm kidding, I don't smuggle food in. Very often.)

Tupperware jello mould with changeable lids

Ok, this one definitely puts me into senior citizen striking distance. But I thought, everyone likes Jell-o and maybe one day I'll want to make such a salad. With Christmas trees, stars and flowers, who wouldn't love that?

This might have been a mistake.

Today is brought to you by:

Lilacs. There is nothing better than the fragrance of lilacs that fills the neighbourhood. We are only so lucky for about 3 weeks, but they're the most glorious two weeks. Sigh...

Garage Sale Finds - #1

Vintage Christmas manger.

Looks identical to the one we've had since I was a child. It was always a battle to see who got to set it up. I was thrilled to find another one.

Later I found out that my dad had cleaned out the attic and sent several items to a church garage sale. Can you see where this is going? I ended up buying back our garbage. Yep.

Tupperware pie holder.

My grandmother makes the absolute best apple pies and whenever she brings them over she totes them in a pie shaped Tupperware container. Where do people buy Tupperware? Do they still have parties - do I have to go to one? I don't want to, but I need to start building my collection.

Weekend Wrap-up

Things I loved about this past weekend:

Joe Fresh, here's why:

- all the dresses have pockets

- everything costs less than $40 - including coats and aforementioned dresses

- having a clothing line in a grocery store is a great idea - if you've been there for three hours, you get pretty dehydrated. So, you just head to the juice aisle or pick up some whole roasted chickens.

- chic, classic, super cute clothes at a budget MelMac can love

Weather. Sunshine, beautiful temperatures, perfect for sitting on a porch.

Rolling into Koi like it's our local pub. We know the drill, we love the music, it's chill - we should get a Frequent Dancer program that waives the cover fee. Please. Don't you know who I am?

When someone uses a pickup line on me that involves a trivia question. In hindsight, I think it was a mistake to have given him my standard fake. Hmm.

Surprisingly, I had a really good time at a birthday/breast cancer fundraiser party that really turned out to be a thinly masqueraded stag and doe style affair. Despite the loonie tosses and raffle prizes, it had $25 all you can drink and I rocked that party!

Things I didn't love about this past weekend:

Um, hello? Didn't you read my previous post?

2 hangovers - one too many for a single weekend

Jehovah's Witnesses at the door

Tripping on the curb on the way into a bar, falling flat on my face, scraping my shoulder and knee. I didn't cry though. Minor victory.

Being denied admission to the bar because the bouncer thought I was too drunk. I was flabbergasted. Then the person I was with was slurring so that didn't help my cause. I was about to say that this has never happened before, but I've been reminded that years ago I was able to get my entire group kicked out of a bar line because I was leaning up against a window sill, barely coherent.

Things I'm on the fence about this past weekend:

If I want to see someone again because he went on and on about my dress Saturday night. It's a rad dress and I appreciate that he noticed, but I was kinda over him. We'll see.

Paul's man scarf. He calls it a keffiyeh or something. Whatever - he looks like Yasser Arafat. Being the amazing wing-woman that I am, I used it as an opener for him with the chicks. I asked them if they thought he was pulling it off or if they thought he was gay. Mixed reactions. But it got him some girls, so maybe it's a draw.

What do you think?

"Year of Yes" - look where it got me

This is the "Year of Yes" which means I am trying to say yes to every invitation even if it is something I normally wouldn't go out of my way to attend. I like the possibility that comes with going out and doing things. It could be fun, hilarious, boring, scary, sober, drunk, or the "Best Time Ever"...but whatever it turns out to be, I guarantee it wouldn't have happened sitting at home, well maybe the boring part.

So, adhering to this philosophy, I said yes to a strange invitation this weekend - a bodybuilding competition. Yeah. To me, this kind of thing falls in with wrestling and Jackass movies: disgusting and completely inane. I don't understand this subculture and especially their motivation. I don't get it!

I went with Paul, a personal trainer who knew some people competing. We drive out to Mississauga, to a high school (?!) and park among a sea of Hummers, most of which took up two parking spaces because their drivers are a specific kind of moron. This is the scene as we arrive:

It was like high school all jacked up. Add a couple skateboards and Doc Martens and you have Delta Secondary, circa 1997.

We walk in and instantly feel fat. And pale. And feminine, even Paul. The hallways were lined with booths selling protein powder, power bars, steroid flavoured gum, and 'posing suits' (which are pretty much a string bikini with less fabric and more sequins...way more). The place was packed with people. I say 'people' but I'm not quite sure. All I saw were veins and bulges with eyes and toes attached.

I was agape the entire night and didn't know where to look. I tried to keep my gasps and comments to myself because these things could cripple me by shaking my hand, but it was impossible. It was all too disgusting and remarkable to keep quiet. We kept giggling and pointing and I was trying to wrap my head around it all.

It was a learning experience if nothing else. Apparently in addition to a leather handbag fake tan, competitors paint themselves with this Pro-Tan stuff that makes them the colour of...I can't even think of anything. I've literally sat here for 5 minutes trying to find the right word to evoke the colour, but have failed. It's so unnatural, you've never seen this shade.

I refused to pay the exorbitant admission fee of $40 so we just watched from the door(and later snuck in for 10 minutes) - and besides, do I really want to sit and watch them pose on stage for 3 hours? It was way better to hang out in the halls with everyone and see the freakiness up close. Way better? Maybe that's the wrong phrase.

There was this one girl in an outfit that had 'Pimp' emblazoned on her ass. Every 'woman' wore stripper shoes and fake hair. One guy had pimples all over his body, which I learned is from steroids. They all looked like they were in pain as they walked - their muscles were slowly choking them.


There was this one girl we called "Fake Tan Chubb". She had the glittery outfit, her skin was doing its best impression of a lobster wearing bronzer, and yet she was totally chubby and out of shape. We think she was a groupie that really got into the whole scene, but really wasn't able to compete.

It occured to me that the guys who do this are all pretty unattractive, even without the muscles. That, coupled with the Hummers in the parking lot, makes me think that the whole lifestyle is geared towards people overcompensating for something. Yeah.

I could have saved myself all the words in this post by just putting up the following pictures. For there are no words - they say it all. Enjoy. (FYI: the guy on the right is a white guy.)

'Tis the season....

It is officially garage sale season and I've blocked off Saturday mornings from 8am - 10am until Labour Day. In high school, my entire bedroom was furnished with other people's junk. I thought old glass milk jugs, floral tins, wicker baskets, a VHS copy of Mighty Ducks and a rusty whisk were items that I couldn't pass up. And to get them all for 0.50 or less - what a steal!

However, those days are mostly gone, although I do still love a deal. I will be looking for the following items this summer:

- picnic baskets (one large, one small, both wicker and with checkered pattern inside if possible)

- salad spinner

- vintage necklaces and brooches

- a full set of beautiful teacups and saucers

- "Pride and Prejudice" or "Free Food For Millionaires"

Mad for 'Mad Men'

This is my latest obsession. Mad Men. It's fantastic and I've been hearing about it for months - we even had our Christmas soiree themed with it in mind. I've just finished Season One and I really think I was born in the wrong decade. If I could have been a teenager or twenty-something in the late 50s and early 60s, well....that would have been swell!

The clothes, the hairstyles, the manners...I adore it all. Seriously, these women got to wear gloves and huge dresses every day. For no reason! I have to beg my peeps for an excuse to dress up and still have dozens of dresses that have never seen the dark of night.

Since watching it, I've started sitting up straighter, I've pulled out the cardigans reserved for library-dom and even wrote the following line in an email tonight, "Do be safe". It's out of control. Save for constant smoking and oppressive suburban life, it looks ideal in Technicolor. Everything looks acceptable - rampant affairs, martinis with lunch, calling grown women 'Sweetheart' at work.

While there are hints of the past these days, I long for the time when men always let a women order first, rose when she left the table, and wore a hat, which they tipped. Sigh. Sure, no decade is perfect, but give me the 50s over my 80s and 90s birthright any day.

Victoria Day Reflection

I'm beginning to resent the saying "Live each day like it's your last". It's so trite, and it just makes people feel bad about how they're already spending their day. "Make each day count" - there's another one. So, if I decide that I want to laze around all day and do nothing, does that day not count? It's condescending needlepoint philosophy.

Today, for instance, - should I feel bad that I spent the day watching movies, talking to friends on the phone and generally being all-around lazy? I ate two pieces of chocolate cake, didn't get out of my pyjamas until 4pm and had a passive-aggressive spat with my cell phone's texting capabilities. Is there anything wrong with spending a holiday Monday that way? Was it a waste?

However, I did venture out once today to take a walk in the park - an activity I talked myself into as a result of those stupid sayings. I often have the feeling that everyone else in the world is making more out of their long weekend than I am. So, I went for a walk....and it turned out to be sublime.

I thought about living today as if it were my last. As I walked around the park in the 4:30pm sunshine, listening to "Then You Can Tell Me Goodbye" by The Casinos, in my favourite sweater and sunglasses, I felt a peace. Today could be my last day and I would be okay with that.

I have no outstanding ill will or issues with anyone. I am loved. I am liked. I have a full life and I am completely content with who I've turned out to be. I laid down on the grass and thought the kinds of things one thinks when they are high. I squinted into the sun and smiled. If today were to be my last day and this is the way I spent it, I'm okay with that.

Although, if I had actually known this was it, I would have had a third piece of cake.

Not quite the mass marketing we had in mind...