Winnie Cooper Tells All

Worst. Baker. Ever.

2011-12-21T12:34:00.003-05:00

Betty Crocker, we have a problem.
I am in the middle of my week of party preparation and have been baking up a storm. Last night was pecan squares and Barefoot Contessa warned me that the filling would bubble over during baking and to place another pan underneath. Done. Safely in the oven, I went downstairs to tend to something terribly important, like blow drying my hair or something. A few minutes later I came up to the kitchen and entire first floor filled with smoke with more smoke pouring out of the burners on the stove.

I learned the following things:

- Fires require oxygen to thrive - it's true! The second I opened the oven door the fire expanded into a fire ball and spread quickly.

- I am not calm under this kind of pressure. I just started yelling "Help" and the names of the tenants upstairs for no real reason while I frantically panicked and planned my next move.

- Using a fire extinguisher isn't that hard. However, having never used one before, trying to read the instructions through smoke and fear is fairly difficult. "Pin? What pin? Where is the PIN??!!!"

- Fire extinguishers (at least mine) are filled with powder. I had no idea. I thought it was a liquid.

- Said powder will cover every surface in your house. You will be pissed.

- My legs shake uncontrollably when faced with that kind of adrenaline and panic.

- My tenants cannot hear me when I call for help, nor do they seem at all concerned with their home filling with smoke. It's clear that I'm on my own here.

- I hate pecan squares. And I'm pretty pissed at Barefoot Contessa too. How about this, INA, make the squares in a container that won't spill over and ruin my entire evening??? Huh, INA!?

- I can ingest a considerable amount of fire extinguisher powder with little to no effect.

Means to the End

2011-12-16T14:09:00.006-05:00

Have you seen this billboard around town? Now, I consider myself very blessed to not yet know the cost of a funeral, however, this seems to be a new level of depressing. In a perfect world, I believe that a funeral should represent the person's life and attempt to be a remembrance. I certainly don't want my funeral to be 'basic'. Hmmm, perhaps I should start saving up now.

I've already mentioned a song that I'd love to have play at my funeral and it might be strange to say, but I've got some other ideas as well.

If fact, when I was in high school (believe it or not, the most heightened period of my self-absorbed introspection) I would often think about who would attend my funeral. It was morbid, but would my crush from calculus come? My boss at the golf club where I worked? That person I don't like - have they been able to tell?

I care a lot less these days about who would be there because I know the people in my life and what I mean to them and vice versa. So now that the guest list is intact, I should start thinking about how to ensure they'll have a great time. I am nothing if not an eternal host.

Food:Selfishly, I would like the food to be only ones that I like. Or liked.
- sushi (and none of the seaweed salad filler)
- sandwiches (I am currently undergoing a lifelong search for the perfect sandwich artist in my absence. This is what wills are for right?)
- Nanaimo bars and other squares baked by someone's grandmother. Obviously not mine.
- pie, and lots of it
- cheese, and more of it

Beverages: (How else do people deal with grief and spill crazy stories about me?)
- Cosmopolitans
- Manhattans
- milkshakes
- pink lemonade

Activities:Yes, this will be an active funeral. In fact, I'd like it to have a theme somehow. Ok, fine, "How Awesome She Was" will suffice.
- trivia - You know how at weddings sometimes they ask trivia questions about the couple to get them to kiss? I like this idea for my wake. The prize for each correct answer: I won't haunt you.
- Dance Off - I'm already expecting to come down to Ryan and Paul in the finals.
- Distributing of my greatest assets: 5 vintage Spice Girls dolls in original packaging (Dan, you're the front runner for possession), and my hand written journals (these should go to someone with the tact to delete sensitive passages)

Venue:- If Westminster Abbey and New York's Bloomingdales are unavailable, try any other place of worship.
- Outside would be cool, but only if it's a perfect day. I really like Gage Park, but then there is the risk of random weirdos wandering into the service. Try to avoid that, unless they're my friends.
- As far as ashes being scattered somewhere, I like the romantic notion of this, but I'm pretty sure it doesn't look the way it does in the movies. I've still got some time to think about this. Right??

Ok, it's Friday afternoon, I think it's best for me to stop dwelling on the end and get out and live my weekend. It promises be a good one! Lots of Christmas baking, live music with talented musician types, a holiday party, last minute shopping and sushi. Viva la Winnie!

Tree Trimming

2011-12-15T17:22:00.007-05:00

Since it feels like April outside I thought I should throw on my galoshes and get around to fixing this:
The forlorn emptiness.

Armed with fresh greens, the bottom branches of my Christmas tree and detailed instructions from my Mom, I gave it a shot.

Hmmm. Not sure this is how it was supposed to turn out. And that's its best side.

I think that's it for the exterior of my house this year - all we need now is some snow. How do people in California even pretend to get enthused about the holidays? A green Christmas is pretty sad.

Huh?

2011-12-14T09:21:00.003-05:00

I am officially adding this to the list of things I don't know:

What the heck is that thingy on lamps that hangs below the light? See it? It's like the wattle on the turkey, but surely it must have a purpose. Almost every desk lamp has one and it always baffles me. *insert dim bulb joke here*

Face Time

2011-12-07T09:08:00.003-05:00

Before this year, my entire life had passed by without someone creating a caricature of my likeness, and then this year, it's happened twice .

On Saturday night, my namesake friend and I were at a cocktail party and sat for a sketch. I don't know about you, but it's a little...off.

My one cheek looks like I'm storing nuts for the winter and my hand looks like melting wax. The other Melissa's hair looks great and I like both our eyes, however, although these girls look okay overall, I don't think they particularly look like US.

Oh well, maybe the artist was as tipsy as we were...

Class In Session

2011-12-06T11:43:00.000-05:00

"Part of the secret of a success in life is to eat what you like and let the food fight it out inside." - Mark Twain

Everyone knows Mark Twain was a genius, and I particularly like his take on nutrition. However, I can admit that I eat poorly some/a lot of the time and while I wasn't all that concerned with changing it, I could start to see some of the repercussions of my grilled cheese sandwiches and sugar based meals. But, it tastes soooo good!

Nonetheless, after several years of my mother's subtle hinting I succumbed to taking the Lifewatchers class through Goodness Me! health food stores. I was dubious to say the least - like a stubborn child, I didn't want to change. But I'm 30 now, this is the decade we're supposed to be mature about these sort of things. Or so my favourite personal trainer tells me.

I dragged Tracy along with me as we'd had about a decade to get used to sitting next to each other in a classroom setting and passing notes without getting caught. Just like in school, the class had a bunch of keeners, a guy who is way too old to be there, the slacker burn-outs and a doofus idiot who loves to hear his own voice.

I felt like the teacher could tell I was faking it. While everyone else jumped right into all the principles and challenges (i.e. going 3 weeks wheat-free?!), I followed along and appreciated the lessons in theory, but went home and ate Wheat Thins and cookies. Who are these people who can make such drastic changes??

However, I was not a total skid, I did incorporate several changes to my diet and I learned so much. In fact, I couldn't stop talking about the class to everyone I met - I really do highly recommend it. Before the class, the few times I had thought about my diet and nutrition it was under the umbrella of my weight or shape, never about health. This sounds ridiculous to me now, but I never considered how the food I eat affects my overall health. And boy, does it ever.

The class on insulin freaked me out and convinced me that I am blissfully unaware that I am living the pre-diabetes years. I also learned that wheat is one of the worst things you can subject your body to, especially the modified wheat we have these days. Everyone should be aiming for 10 1/2 cup servings of vegetables every day. Also, fat is not the enemy, it's just all about healthy fats.

Each week, the instructor would make us recipes or let us try certain things and we had a healthy potluck on the last class. I was pleasantly surprised how many things were actually delicious...and colourful.

But then, of course, there was this smoothie sludge thing.

The class was 10 weeks each Tuesday from 6:30 - 8:00. Lorraine Caruso was the very knowledgeable and personable instructor. The class is offered at each Goodness Me! location around the city and I urge you to consider taking it. You'll learn so much.

My goal when I started the class was to be realistic and adopt 3 or 4 changes into my life since I knew that I'm not the type that can go cold turkey on anything. I reached my goals in the following ways:
- I've eliminated cereal from my diet completely and instead I have a healthy smoothie with Udo's oil each morning.
- I started taking magnesium after the insulin class - ask me in person and I'll explain why...it includes a doodle of a cell.
- I'm using almond butter instead of peanut butter.
- I'm cooking with coconut oil/butter ghee instead of other cooking oils.
- I cooked a recipe with kale. Twice.
- I'm trying not to drink liquids while I eat since they wash away the digestive enzymes you need to break down the food.
- I'm adding ground flax seeds to things.
- I didn't buy bread on my last grocery shop *major* And, in fact, I only did a perimeter shop of the store, where the most healthy things are anyway. Well, except for that quick detour to get some more Wheat Thins.
- I'm drinking a glass of water with lemon every morning, since after an hour, it has an alkalizing affect on the body.

Small steps, people.

Check it out:
http://www.goodnessme.ca/gmclassoutcourse.php

My, What Big Teeth You Have...

2011-12-06T11:05:00.003-05:00

Why haven't I noticed this before? In the last 3 days, 2 separate people have brought up the fact that Tom Cruise's teeth are shifted over by a tooth. I had no idea what they were talking about, but now that I've looked at it, I can't NOT see it.

Didn't he have braces too? Maybe they didn't take. Or maybe he didn't sport the headgear that I'm so proudly displaying here. How I made it out of 7th grade alive, I'll never know. And, yes, Fashion Police, thank you for noticing, that shirt IS from Northern Reflections.

Art of the Deal

2011-12-01T10:11:00.009-05:00

I've always scratched my head when viewing art like this:

Voice of Fire by Barnett Newman

The National Gallery in Ottawa paid $1.8 million for this in 1989. People freaked out. I have to agree. I know certain art can affect people in profound and inexplicable ways and investing in culture is important, but just think of how many great prints like these we could have purchased:

These are ones that I love and would make me smile each time I see them - and for me, this is what I look to art for.

Hmmm, most of these have to do with water. I think I'm thirsty.

By the way, many of these prints are $20 at www.20x200.com, except, of course, for the one I really like...

I Wish...

2011-11-30T13:48:00.005-05:00

I love this photo.
It's the definition of cheeky happiness.
Presents, cake and revelling in the attention.
These things still make me smile.

**click on the picture to get the full effect**

Some Saturday in November

2011-11-28T16:17:00.012-05:00

Such a great Saturday - kicking off the Christmas season in a princely manner.
First, Blan (Blake & Dan) and I headed up north to cut our own Christmas trees. My family has always had real trees, but I don't think I can remember cutting down our own. Or more likely, we did, but I was whining about it being cold. We had Mariah Carey's holiday CD and hot cocoa in summer tumblers. Sure, we saw people playing golf and wearing shorts while biking, but we had decided it's Christmas and warm weather wasn't going to stop us.

I had no idea I was so picky when it came to Christmas trees. We wandered around for hours until we found the ones just right for us. Seeing the sad and dead ones reminded me of that Friends episode where Phoebe is saddened that some trees don't get to fulfill their Christmas destiny. Dan did his part to help:

Dan found one that he liked and "I'll just put the saw on it so we'll remember which one it is" was followed by 30 minutes of trying to find that tree again and then promptly dismissing it as "too green".

After finally finding 3 perfect trees, or getting tired enough to settle, we set about cutting them down - this was not as easy as I had imagined. I'm pretty weak and I didn't know how to hold a saw. And Blake didn't really know how to hold the camera.

We dragged them to this shaker thing that rids them of any debris and hoisted them in the truck.

Within hours Blake and Dan had their trees lit and fully decorated. Mine had fallen over in the living room, spilling water everywhere. I eventually had to re-cut it. I love the pine scent that fills my house and I'm curious to see if it lasts longer than pre-cut trees. It was a really fun new tradition, but next year we're bringing helium balloons to tie to potential tree candidates. Yes, this is sure to be a great idea.

The second part of my Saturday involved heading to Toronto for a random concert - Prince. My knowledge of Prince consists of 3 songs and sort of thinking of him as Michael Jackson Lite. But it was Saturday night and I'm always up for any sort of plans. First, my Prince-ly partner and I went to Pizzeria Libretto on ever-hip Ossington. I've heard amazing things about this place which is one of the only official pizzerias that adhere to guidelines set forth by the European Union and the Vera Pizza Napoletana Association. Glad to see the EU is focusing on what matters. Sorry, Greece.

The pizza was really quite good, but different than pizza as Canadians know it. The atmosphere was great and they actually go to the trouble of calling you on your cell when the table is ready.

After a hellish drive through downtown during the annual Christmas tree lighting ceremony, we arrived at the ACC and found our thrones. Naturally, the stage was shaped as the Prince symbol. The guest of honour arrived in a sea of gold confetti wearing gold glitter pants, a silky top and heels. Let me tell you, Prince fans are hardcore. Since he hasn't put out anything recently, everyone there has loved him since the 80s. I've only mildly liked him since the car ride up.

He was a very lively entertainer (read: he humped the stage) and invited fans to come dance with him. The standing ovation was unlike anything I'd ever seen. After his finale, all the lights came on, the stage was swept and instruments dismantled. The entire arena was on their feet cheering and clapping for at least 20 minutes. Seriously. Not a single person left. It was like Occupy ACC. Was he not going to do an encore? Was he making us 'earn' it? Either way, the crowd went crazy when he returned to dance on the piano. Even after that, the crowd kept screaming for a second encore until the announcer came on and told everyone to leave already.

I've realized that unless I'm a massive fan of the artist and know almost all the songs, I'm not really a concert person. The Spice Girls reunion tour in Vegas was epic, but that was a teenage dream realized. I'd love to see Adele or Mariah Carey in the 90s, but beyond that, *shrug*. Still it was a fabulous Saturday night and I love random plans like this that end eating leftover pizza and humming Raspberry Beret into the next day.

Would Like

2011-11-22T11:48:00.003-05:00

These are the most amazing tights I have ever seen. Sexy, unique, very cool.
I think I'm going to buy them online - what's the worst that could happen? They'll be 2 sizes too small for my giraffe legs and I'll have to do what I did when I was 6 years old? That is, wear a second pair of underwear over my tights to hold them up. Less sexy and less cool. I think I'll risk it.

Hmm...

2011-11-16T11:01:00.002-05:00

Friend: My new thing is saying 'Yes' to everything. Accepting every invitation, saying 'Yes' to every opportunity - you never know what can come of it!

Me: Oh yeah, I've done that before - it's great. Hey, I have something you might like! Do you want to play in a badminton league with me?

Friend: Maybe.

The Global Blog

2011-11-15T10:32:00.003-05:00

I usually don't look at the blog stats because, let's face it, it's mostly just my mom and I who read it. Or at least it used to be! These are the pageviews for the last week - how is this possible?? And who knew that I have such a Japanese following? Canadians fall 3rd? Mom! Start reading again please.

United States 362
Japan 121
Canada 80
India 13
Germany 4
Australia 3
United Kingdom 3
Jamaica 3
Russia 3
Argentina 2

Ok, looking at these numbers, I think I'm going to go back and check. Something's up here.

Angry Birds

2011-11-14T12:07:00.002-05:00

For me, a sign of maturity is learning to recognize that disliking someone so strongly in no way improves my life. Harbouring a grudge and fervently clinging to hatred only makes me a negative person. Disliking them does not make me happier, richer, more in love, more at peace, funnier, more successful or more awesome. If anything, it detracts from my ability to find and be all these things.

Life happens - you meet people you like and you meet people you don't, relationships grow and they fall apart, friendships struggle and thrive, things happen to make you happy and also to make you cry. This is life. You're not expected to love everyone and everything, but I think we're expected to approach life with an open mind. And we're not expected to forget everything bad that happens, but I think we owe it to ourselves to move past it.

Being angry is not a 'right' that I think I deserve because of the way the cards have been dealt. I sometimes think it makes me feel better, but this peace feels much better. Letting go of the things that I can't change brings a sort of relief I didn't even realize I needed.

Let's save the anger for more important things - you know, like people who don't signal their lane changes, burnt cookies or when the DVD skips.

Friday Photo Dump

2011-11-11T10:41:00.012-05:00

As I meander through my life, I often take pictures of things I see with the hopes of turning these random shots into blog posts. Often, I can't make it happen. So, then I end up with a bunch of photos that I like and that made me smile or something at the time, but don't translate into accompanying text.

To clean up my desktop, I've decided to plop them all here. Can you tell it's a Friday and I'm feeling sort of lazy?
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I took this photo after I got back from my summer picnic in the park - and was rooting around in my bag. I gave a little shriek and automatically starting coming up with a short list of possible culprits. Ryan and Paul top that list.

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This past summer was absolutely wonderful - lots of socializing, being outside and relaxing. I wanted to capture the moments I was enjoying so wholeheartedly.

This one comes back to me so vividly - it was a July night that could only be described as 'sultry' and I was driving to meet a friend-ish person for drinks. I remember the freedom and excitement I felt as I drove over the Skyway Bridge, my arm dangling out the window.

Pink lemonade on a patio with a crossword - near perfection.

The late afternoon Manhattan in the most most idyllic of country houses.
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This was in the airport on my way back from Melebration. As I sat down with my snack I realized how ridiculous the Vitamin Water looked next to the sprinkle donut. Take a guess which one I actually finished.

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Summer dinner party that some how turned into shots and Dance Mix '95. Can't fight the beat.

That Would Be Bad...

2011-11-07T09:42:00.003-05:00

Scene - Friday night, sitting at a Starbucks, reading the Globe and Mail and eating a Nanaimo bar - taking some "Me" time, texting with my friend.

Friend: How's your night going? What are you up to?

Me: Just sitting at Starbucks next to a really cute guy. Whoa, he just got a text and LITERALLY bolted out of the place. Weird.

Friend: Were you on a date with him?

--------

Good to see the faith my friend has in my dating skills.

Ah, e-cards...

2011-11-03T15:39:00.005-04:00

Dreary November afternoon - this is what's making me laugh.

There are several gentlemen callers who fall into this category in my phone.

This was my commute anthem 2008 - 2010.

No, I do NOT have a key party story, just think it's funny. Look how miffed he looks.

We all have Facebook friends like this. I might even be one. I'm okay with that.

This cracks me up. And, yes I AM thinking it about you.

"Rats In Cuter Outfits"

2011-11-03T14:14:00.007-04:00

It is a wilderness safari in my neighbourhood these days.

The squirrel situation is out of control - they rule the roost and I'm pretty sure there are gangs forming along racial lines. Yesterday I looked out my window to see that a punk squirrel had gotten ahold of an empty pudding cup from my recycling bin.

He just stared at me while he finsihed off the vanilla treat. The annoying part was that I left any pudding for him to eat. I really need to start polishing off my pudding cups more carefully.

His friend also found one and took food remnant stealing to new heights - the roof of my garage. Ok, fine, yes, I have eaten 2 pudding cups this week. Probably just 2. Leave it alone.

When the cheeky bastard was finished he had the audacity to drop the pudding cup in the middle of the lawn! Don't these animals know we're trying to save the environment for them. Well, and for Al Gore.

Speaking of neighbourhood animals, I saw this on Hallowe'en:

I think the white albino cat is 10 times more spooky than a black cat. It's been skulking around for a few days and always gives me the shivers. Plus, I'm pretty certain I heard it whisper "My preeeeciouuuusss..."

Melebration NYC: Finale

2011-10-25T14:21:00.014-04:00

The next day was bittersweet - I was pretty exhausted and happy to do nothing for a while, but I was sad for everyone to leave and have the weekend be over. I had planned to stay another night in the city alone so we could have a proper goodbye.

For me & NY, this goodbye involved:

- Just one more Au Bon Pain apple streudel. Okay, two.

- cabbing and walking all over midtown trying to find sushi that was either open or not displaying a "B" grade of Health & Sanitation reviews in the window.

- Sitting in a diner watching the world go by - straw in mouth, smile on face.

- Seeing this deli and eating a couple namesake sandwiches

- Visiting an acquaintance/friend in his amazing and cheap apartment on 42nd Street. Hearing how he came to live/thrive here from Israel was inspiring.

- Seeing this sweater in Bloomingdale's and thinking how far ahead New York is from the rest of the world. In Canada, we still have normal sized forearms. Pffft.

Eventually I had to leave and it was sad. After travelling and staying in Buffalo where I was awoken at 2am by someone entering my room (in BUFFALO!!) I was happy to arrive home. I was even happier to arrive home to this:

My dear friend Tracy somehow convinced my mother to give her my spare key and she went to town. It all made me smile and then I opened the fridge:

Yay!! Who doesn't love to come home to cake?

30 minutes later:

All in all, it was a perfect weekend and I wouldn't have changed a thing - well, maybe I would have avoided being bitten by that weird bug at the St. Regis. My leg was swollen, white and red for 4 days - not sure what that was about. And at the St. Regis of all places?

That's it for Melebration - the 30th edition. I'm thinking the moon for my 40th?

Melebration NYC: Day 4

2011-10-25T14:08:00.006-04:00

The last full day with everyone - by this point we were pretty exhausted from all the long days of walking and touring and the late nights of drinking and dancing. Hmmm, can you tell how zonked I am in this picture?

We went to this great brunch place in the Village with amazing eggs Benedict. Afterwards, we split up and all did our own thing and met back for dinner. For Paul, this meant more knock-offs and getting lost on the subway. This time we went back to the Village to Beauty & Essex. By this point the Manhattan was MY drink - I loved trying it all over the city. It's a delicious sipper. In this picture, I'm at the bar. Natch.

In this one, I have a deformed hand.

We didn't go dancing this night, but instead Ryan, Paul and I spent the night walking about 70 blocks. Walking that long and far is really fun because you pass through several neighbourhoods and you barely realize how far you've walked.

I *heart* NY.

Melebration NYC: Day 3

2011-10-25T13:15:00.016-04:00

My actual birthday! One of the best presents was the arrival of Susan and Elo - however, they arrived bright and early (actual time: 11:30am) while the four of us were still sleeping off White Castle and Manhattans.

We eventually got going and went downtown on the subway. Paul was on a Canal Street mission - fake bags, watches, a misspelled belt buckle and a back alley experience. Mission Accomplished!

We did some shopping, had pizza in Little Italy despite this disconcerting sign:

(how is this possible?!) and meandered through the tiny, winding streets.

We wandered into a gelato photo shoot:

Then it was time to chill for a bit before heading out for dinner and Melebrating. All I really wanted to do for my actual birthday night was have a great dinner and go dancing. Crazy, happy, jumping around dancing. I didn't want to go to some hip club you need a key for or a lounge where everyone sits around sulking about how cool they are. I just wanted to have fun.

We had a dinner reservation at Social in the Village at 11:30. At first, the proffered reservation times were shocking, but really they worked out perfectly. Dining out is THE main event here - it's not like you just go for dinner to eat; you go for your night. Susan was hilarious when we told her how late we were eating. With a toddler at home, she's used to typical dinner times.

We had cocktails at a nearby bar while waiting for our table...

...then sat down to one of the best dining experiences of my life. The food was amazing - small, sharing style - the cocktails were unique (Black Magic - Guinness & Champagne), the service was surprisingly warm and friendly, great background music and phenomenal company.

It was such a beautiful night for me. I'd been lucky enough to receive many texts, emails, Facebook birthday messages and calls from friends and loved ones all day and then to be at this amazing dinner feeling the warmth and love of my friends - all in the greatest city I've been visited....it was epic. Thank goodness they didn't give me my birthday card at the restaurant, I would have lost it.

After dinner, around 1:30am, I was starting to mildly worry that I wouldn't be able to find that *perfect* club for dancing. However, around the corner, we ended up checking out Libation. Here is us, faux impatient, waiting in the quickest club line ever - Elo is pretending she doesn't know us.

We danced the night away at this club and it was absolute perfection. Here's why:

- cheaper cover than in Toronto
- line wait was less than 5 minutes
- bouncer named "Meatball" let me in for free
- the first song I heard was one of my favourite all-time happy songs (Yes, the one by Nelly)
- the next song was the theme to Fresh Prince of BelAir...with EVERYONE singing along
- the rest of the music was awesome - from Motown to current hip-hop to Mariah Carey...I'm pretty sure the song list was custom made for me

The entire day and night were exactly how I wanted to ring in my 30th birthday. With people I love, on a grand scale, something memorable and amazing free-wheelin' dancing. Thank you, thank you, thank you!

Melebration NYC: Day 2

2011-10-25T11:33:00.023-04:00

After waking up in a city than never sleeps, Ryan and I went for a morning walk while the "serious vacationers" worked out and made protein shakes. We went to my old 'apartment', which is actually a college dorm-type place.

I spent a couple minutes looking for the $200 I lost right outside these doors when I was moving out years ago. No luck.

We walked around and remarked that sometimes you walk through the worst smells in this city, but occasionally you're hit with the perfect blend of roasted beer nuts from street vendors, flowers from corner shops, and some other indescribable scent - it's very New York. Walking the fine line between putrid and perfection.

We collected the others and made our way uptown. We hit Bryant Park, Times Square, Rockefeller Center and Radio City Music Hall, stopping for almost identical photo ops. (Can you spot the 5 differences between the first two pictures? It's like a Highlights magazine game!)

We talked Ryan and Paul into joining Julie and I for cheap mani/pedis.

This was clearly Paul's first time and the Korean girls very much enjoyed tittering about him being very uncomfortable. I enjoyed it too.

Nails done....

...we dressed up and headed uptown. It was my idea to go to a few swanky hotels that we couldn't afford to stay and have cocktails in the lobby.

Plus, I'd been dying to find "my" drink as I entered my 30s and had a feeling that the Manhattan might be it. Yes, I know that it's cheesy to have a Manhattan IN Manhattan, but I call my birthday Melebration, so I have no problem being cheesy.

We had planned to go to the St. Regis, the Plaza, the Ritz, and the Pierre. We started at the St. Regis and swanked it up. Julie found the Manhattan a bit strong, so I helped her out with it.

The other hotels were a bust (i.e. closed or boring) so we grabbed a cab to the village and the Spotted Pig. Somehow the camera just seems to know when the subjects of the pictures have had 3 Manhattans - it's like it puts on a different focus setting.

Ryan and Paul were amused at a Gary Busey look-alike hitting on Julie. He gave us his card - he's a "filmmaker".

We eventually made our way home and stopped at what seems like the most appropriate 3am snack for four 30-somethings. I realized it was well past midnight and I was therefore 30. We went to White Castle. Yep. It was pretty awesome/depressing. They take your name and yell out your order - hearing "Malisha!! 6 bacon cheeseburgers. Malisha!" as the first meal of my 30s was pretty sad. Not surprising, just sad.

We looked around and there were the four of us, dressed up, eating steamed burgers with 3 homeless guys. I thought, "Yep, this is the best way to ring in the new decade."

However, the 2nd meal of my 30s wasn't much better. Why on earth were we so hungry at 3am?! Between White Castle and the hotel lobby, we were accosted by a food truck and ended up falling victim to sausages and random meat on skewers.

If I ever attempt online dating again, I think I just found my profile picture.

It was a pretty great day - in fact it felt like three days jammed into one.

Melebration NYC: Day 1

2011-10-25T10:11:00.011-04:00

Melebration in New York City seems so long ago that I'm almost ready for another birthday - although, the next one will be less monumental. 31? Snoozer. As Paul put it, "Life has been so boring since Melebration!"

Mostly for my memory's sake, I'm going to post about the glorious 5 days with 5 of my wonderful friends in chronological order so I can remember what we even did. The weekend was a bit of a blur.

But first, before I left, I received my first present:

Sooooo awesome. I can't wait to pretend that I don't wear it while secretly rushing home to lounge in the purple plushness. And it's so practical too. Thanks Susan!

(An aside also for my 60 year old self reading this blog - this has got to be the longest my hair has ever been. It's entering Rapunzel territory.)

Day 1:
I purposely arrived in NYC a day earlier than the others so I could have a personal reunion with the city I adore. I lived here for several months back in 2004 and this trip was my second time back since then. It really just fits me like a glove. I glove that I probably can't afford and that keeps honking at me.

When I checked in, I was suprised with a package waiting with the concierge. My friend Dru had ordered a beautiful floral arrangement for me - it was so thoughtful and perfectly timed. I had just come off the subway from the airport (Hello? $7 compared to $50 - I'm not a Rockefeller!) and was bumping my stupid wheelie bag through uneven sidewalks, street heat and oddly, 8 foot palm trees. By the time I arrived in the cool lobby of the hotel, I was beaten down. The flowers made me feel very special and vastly improved my morning.

The funny part of the flower story is that later Dru told me when she called to order them, she ended up chatting with the flower shop guy (for some reason I think his name was Bruiser, or something) for a while. She inadvertently told him that I was turning 30, in the city on my own, my friends weren't arriving until much later and that I was single. After she hung up, she worried she had perhaps set me up to be murdered. She had just told this stranger that a young (young, right?) single girl was staying alone in the city and gave him my exact address. Panicking, she called everyone for advice before calling Bruiser back and making up some story about either me being a black belt in some martial art or my friends arriving early - anything to dissuade him from attacking me while I watch Project Runway in my hotel room. It worked.

I spent the afternoon walking around and stopping to eat more deli sandwiches than I can count. I went back to my favourite places and soaked up the memories: Madison Square Park, the diner near my old apartment, that H&M on 34th street, the wiry tables in Bryant Park...

Julie, Ryan and Paul arrived in the evening and we hopped a cab to Little Italy for a perfect dinner on the sidewalk. I love the Little Italy vibe, the lights strung across the streets, gelato on every corner, and fire hydrants painted in red, green and white.

Ryan and Paul had never been to NYC and Julie was only here for a short work trip. We plotted our weekend and came up with a list of places everyone wanted to see. My favourite thing about being in the city with my friends was that I was able to guide everyone around and occasionally point things out. I obviously don't know everything, but it was suprising how quickly most things came back.

We walked back to our hotel - one of many long walks during the weekend - then made fun of Paul for bringing his own oatmeal/protein breakfast stash in a city of limitless dining options.

Seriously, dude. How did you even get through the airport with that contraband?

What Your Grocery List Says About You

2011-10-20T11:42:00.003-04:00

Hmmm...

Is it that obvious from this grocery list that I'm entertaining guests every night this weekend? It must be, there's butter on there.

Welcome, friends!

Jump To It

2011-10-19T13:06:00.009-04:00

Hey Bed Jumpers! Just when you were beginning to worry that there isn't a suitable place to display all those crazy photos from hotel bed jumping, I present to you:

www.bedjump.com

I found this on another blog and am considering submitting these gems. Such a cheap and easy thrill.

Weekend What's Up

2011-10-17T17:41:00.011-04:00

I've had quite a few wonderful weekends this past month. I always find that fall is the most social of the seasons - people usually have fewer vacations than in the summer and are therefore around to take me up on offers to come over or to go out. I love hosting people at my house in the fall. Since my backyard is pretty lumpy and full of dueling squirrels, my place isn't the perfect option for summer parties, but the autumn is all mine.

This fall will be about soul-warming cocktails and relaxed evenings with dinner parties and games nights. Last night I used these hide placemats that we were sort of convinced are made from dog. Class all the way.

Weekend Outing #1:

Langdon Hall is one of the most amazing places I've ever been lucky enough to visit. The level of service and luxury is unmatched in this area. However, I have yet to drive there without incident. Snarled traffic jams and wrong turns that take me back to Milton always seem to tie me up. By the time I arrived, I was in much need of the spa, fine dining and impeccable grounds. The staff greeted me by name and the entire time was so fabulous (finally bath robes and unsolicited turndown service!). Have you been? It's pricey, but I recommend it for something special.

It's always lovely to have baked goods waiting in your room.

And a prompt kerplunk!

Weekend Outing #2:

My first foray into the country music scene...yep, I did this. I was invited to a country songwriter showcase at Casino Niagara. We sat and watched a round-table performance about pick-up trucks, dogs on porches and sorrowful twangs about dogs run over by pick-up trucks. Inexplicably, there were two different songs that mentioned Gatorade!? Does Nashville have some sort of endorsement deal or are they all so low on electrolytes down there?

Following our evening's pattern of live music we found ourselves at an awesome 50s/60s concert in the casino - complete with doo wop girls and a old front man.

As you can see from this photo he also liked to rip his shirt off onstage. This man was easily 70 years old. After I took this photo, security came over and reprimanded us - we suggested they reprimand the great-great-great-Godfather of Soul-sucking images I can't get out of my head. (See what I did there? You have to look hard, but it's there.)

My gambling experience is limited to 2 times in Vegas where I lost a cumulative $45 and every time I eat anything from Taco Bell. I always get the highest highs and the lowest lows on the casino floor. And I will cash out for almost any profit. Here I called it a night with $3.75 in my pocket. Luck sure was a lady that night.

Weekend Outing #3:

There was a two year span back in the mid-2000s where myself and a dedicated group would frequent this nightclub called Koi. Yes, we may have called ourselves Koi Krew during that time. It was our "Cheers" bar, except with dancing and more visible midriffs. The other night, perhaps spurred on by nostalgia, I convinced 60% of the original Koi Krew to come over for pre-drinks and then some kickin' it old school.

I lured them here with pomegranate martinis.

Historically, I have not been the most adept at cocktail mixing.

But, I think I'm getting better. Friends, please disregard those watermelon mojitos that somehow had glass in them this summer.
These were actually pretty good.

So, then we went to Koi, well 40% of us did (a.k.a. Paul and I) and I found not much had changed. The music was similar, we ended up in our favourite dancing corner, and the same drunk girls kept smashing their Payless heels onto the top of my foot. I had a good time, but I hit a wall around 2:00am where I had to get out of there. This is what it's like being 30, people.

Adios, Barcelona

2011-10-13T12:36:00.002-04:00

As Liz Lemon says, "I want to go to there."

This picture is burned into my brain and it has just replaced Spain as the next place I have to go.

Sleeping My Way To The Top

2011-10-12T17:00:00.006-04:00

I've slept in some pretty shabby beds in my time. No, Mother, not like that. I've spent most of my life in a twin bed, dabbled in a futon, flopped into a variety of dorm-style mattresses and recently remembered that when I was 7 years old, my parents had me in a huge waterbed. A waterbed? With a developing spine? Weird.

So, since I decided that 30 years of ruining my back was enough, I was treated to a real, honest-to-goodness proper mattress. Thanks parents! As much as I loathe their jingles, I did go to Sleep Country - I mean, why would you go anywhere else?!
It was pretty fun playing Goldilocks for an afternoon and I finally settled on a pillow top, deluxe, single coil, not made of water, blah blah blah mattress set.

Oh happy day!

I went about getting a bed frame and new sheets and I was all set for a supreme sleeping experience. However, a problem. Everything was standard - regular size bed frame, standard box spring, standard mattress height...and yet, this:

Why is it so HIGH? I know it's in a basement, but come on, this is crazy high. I feel like the princess and the pea. When I sit up in the bed, my head nearly touches the ceiling. Standing beside it, I feel like I'm at a counter. It's hard to exactly see from the pictures, but trust me when I tell you, this bed is out of control.

My feet don't touch the ground and I have to reach waaaay down to my nightside table.
I haven't figured out a solution that doesn't involve me having to take apart the bed frame and exchange it (which sounds like the worst task ever) or removing the box spring and storing it until I move into a home where my bedroom is on the main floor (seems like a waste).

So, I've been sleeping on it. And the truth is, I kind of love it. I can pretty much see out the window and I feel like royalty - so much nicer to sleep up high. I highly recommend it. Plus, it's been nice to fall asleep without the sloshing sounds of my childhood.

Autumn Events

2011-10-12T16:37:00.009-04:00

So, the past month has been crazy busy with events. Here, I will break down the highlights.

1) Bridal shower for 200 women
Yes, it was as awful as it sounds. I have been to only one of these and I was in the bridal party, so it was more fun. But I can't imagine being a guest at one of these would be that great. It's like a wedding without men or alcohol, essentially. And no dancing. Those are the best things about weddings - dancing with men, while drinking alcohol. And it's during the daytime. :(

The one difference is the cookies. Ohhh, the cookies. Dozens of little nonnas and zias (these are the Italian words for grandmother and aunt, right?) begin to trail in carrying trays and boxes of all sorts of pastries. It was then my job to organize them and get them ready for the mad rush of hungry women. They throw elbows.

(And, yes, that is a hula dancer dressed in a bridal gown you see. Just another day.)

Needless to say, I add "Sampling" to my job description that day. But, other than those lemon glazed ones and cannoli, the rest are sort of blah. And all taste the same. Like the same piece of cardboard. Give me some AngloSaxon or Waspy treats any day - Nanaimo bars, buttertarts, Belgian cookies...

2) Bar Mitzvahs - several
Boys became men, I became bored. Or at least exhausted by the end of the weekend. Giving a 13 year old kid everything he wants is hard work. Ok, that came out wrong. Way wrong. Regardless, there were photo booths, cakes bigger than my dehumidifier, kids being lowered from rock climbing gym ceilings, candy bars, DJ services that cost more than my last 2 cars - combined, kids stealing booze and nary a piece of bacon to be found. Although we made up for it with food trucks - THE thing in Hamilton these days. However, if anyone is looking for a cupcake truck - ask me which one NOT to use! I've got a personal vendetta that I'm trying to keep alive.

Eventually, the bar mitzvahs seemed to blend together and I always found myself sitting and waiting for the 3 hour service to finish. Being the Sabbath, we weren't allowed to do any work in the synagogue - this was a nice change from the last minute scramble of typical events.

3) 600 guest Italian wedding
This is my second one of the summer - brothers, no less - and it's exactly what you might think it is. For me, it was a long day and I had to deal with a groomsman getting locked inside the church (INSIDE!), stabbing the father of the bride with the boutonniere and many children flying all over the place. The one good thing was that I did NOT tell the bride to think about dog fighting this time. I'm learning to shut up.

I actually got to eat a meal at this one, which was a nice treat. I usually get to eat like this - sitting in the hallway for 20 seconds at a time between running to tend to things.

But, really, is this just not a little bit ridiculous? Yes, I get that it's a jumbo shrimp, but wowsa!

Looking forward to some slower downtime - and more posting!

Rethink the ink

2011-09-26T17:06:00.005-04:00

This blog drought is out of control. It's been looming over me and gets worse every day that I don't blog. So instead of focusing on how many things are swirling around in my head to write about and how many days it has been since I last posted, I thought I would just chill. And post something. Just one because that's all I have time for today.

Tattoos. That is the subject of today's post. I read a funny tweet recently that said "White girls spend 15% of their lives talking about cutting bangs." This is quite possibly true. I also think that white girls spend about 15% of their high school years talking about getting a tattoo.

In my high school group of friends, there were a few who did get them done, which of course left the rest of us to talk about what WE would get - when we all knew we never actually would. I can remember many a lunch hour spent discussing the merits of your name (apparently too self-absorbed), a Chinese symbol (the word "courageous" really gets me through those tough times or the symbol for the word "pineapple" looks kinda cool), our zodiac sign (yeah, I've always wanted the picture of a virgin on my lower back) or some sort of douchebag tribal whatsit. Oooh, or the arm band and tramp stamp.

These were the options 10th grade girls came up with in the 1990s.

I think there are two types of girls - ones who actually get tattoos and ones who don't. I don't mean to bash anyone who has them - I'm learning that some people find it perfectly acceptable to not live their life exactly like mine - but they're not for me. I think getting a tattoo says something about the person and I'm pretty sure it's not what they intended it to say.

Somehow, of the few girls who got tattoos in my group, TWO of them got geckos. On their ankles. WHAT?! A gecko? Seriously? What does that even mean? They might as well inked a mailbox or an Allan key on their skin FOR-EV-ER. They weren't even the same geckos. Not sure why that matters, but maybe it would have been cooler if they seemed to be in an amphibian gang or something.

The reason the tattoo is on my mind is because for the last 24 hours there has been one on my arm. I was producing a bar mitzvah and the kids go crazy for these temporary hand-inked tattoos. Hopefully this will lessen the interest in them later on.

In an attempt to keep my eyes open at the end of a very long day while waiting for the party to end, I decided to get one done. Lots of people were getting those hearts with banners exuding their love for "Mother" or "Jenny" or some other person in their lives.

I thought it would be funny to get this - the true love of my life:

I can tell you right now that NO ONE got it. NO ONE. I had several clients come up and take a look - then a blank stare. In hindsight, it might have been career suicide.

I thought it was funny.
The next morning, it freaked me out and every time I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror I looked like a stranger. I had a baby shower to go to that day and purposely chose a dress that tried to hide it. Yes, I could have just washed it off, but it proved to be a very interesting social experiment. Well, more like a personal experiment. I hated it. I hated how I thought people looked at me or the type of person they might think I am based on this tattoo. I wasn't expecting this, but it defined me (at least in my own head) as someone I didn't want to be. It was like an instant label.

I was embarrassed by it. I kept trying to hide it and make sure everyone knew it was fake...I actually felt desperate to do so. Strange. My family also hated it and thought it looked weird - seeing it puts me in a different category of person than the one they've known for 30 years. I know these statements seem really melodramatic, but it truly felt that way.

I thanked my lucky stars that I had the good sense to resist the peer pressure and amphibian gang initiations back in high school. It would not have been a good idea.

Hmmm...

2011-09-12T16:46:00.001-04:00

Why does my green bin always look the healthy, fresh food I should have eaten during the week? This can't be right...

What Big Eyes You Have...

2011-08-23T14:04:00.004-04:00

I don't know about you, but this really doesn't seem like the most prudent name for an optical boutique. But who knows? How I got talked into these frames is still a blur.

Neighbourhood Watch

2011-08-23T12:39:00.005-04:00

Lovely day in the neighbourhood. I do really appreciate how neatly printed and visually appealing it is.

The next day the sign was gone - I'm pretty curious how this rumble will shake out.

The Devil Is In The Details

2011-08-18T09:13:00.004-04:00

It's not so much that I'm bothered by their clubhouse being located in my city, but it's the incorrect punctuation, or lack thereof, that really irks me.

I drove by last night and tried to take my own picture, but then saw all the video cameras perched on the roof and remembered the newspaper article I had read. I put the camera away.

Off With Their Heads!

2011-08-17T09:01:00.005-04:00

Since you all surely use this blog as an arbiter of trends, I thought I'd fill you in on the latest in ridiculous ways to spend time, typically when you are tipsy or hopped up on cheese. Planking is so July. Horsemaning is where it's at. From the headless horseman of lore, this requires two people and if done correctly, it will look like Person 1 has had their head detached from their body:

If done on a Tuesday night while drinking wine on the porch with hilarious friends, it will look like this:

Yep, it needs some work.

Exercising Redux

2011-08-16T10:08:00.007-04:00

Perhaps it's the looming decade and the big 3-0 around the corner, but I'm in a mood to make changes across the board. Whatever the reason, I found myself making an appointment with my friend Paul. He is a personal trainer and pretty much the most buff and fit person I know.

I've dabbled in working out before but it never really took. This time I was committed. Having a personal trainer and standing appointments really makes it easier for me. I hate breaking plans, so I'm determined to show up. Plus, we get to gossip about our weekends in between sets. We like to play the game of "Who Made The Worst Decision on Saturday Night?" It's often a tie.

So, I committed to working out with him 3 times a week. And it has been 6 weeks and I haven't missed an appointment. Who is this new Winnie Cooper?!? I still dislike it, but at least I'm there. We only do weight training, no cardio and at the end he "rewards" me with a protein shake that tastes like an orange creamsicle. It's insane how excited I've become for that shake. I'm like Pavlov's jacked dog.

A food reward used to be, well, every single meal, especially those with cheese. Now I'm getting excited for water and powder? We were discussing my diet recently and he couldn't believe what I eat and I came back with, "Of course I'm going to eat what I want. I (have had) a wicked metabolism and I'm an adult - isn't this the whole point of adulthood? I no longer have to eat food I don't want to and why would I choose to do so?" He is attempting to put a stop to this.

So, for the first 3 weeks I still ate whatever I wanted and worked out thrice weekly. For the fourth and fifth weeks I endeavoured to overhaul my diet and eat only what he told me. Mostly this was whole wheat pasta, tuna, oatmeal, Udo's oil, spinach, pita, salmon, chicken sandwich on ONE piece of flax bread and cottage cheese. Hardly any bread, no real cheese, NO sugar. It was awful. Well, that's not true, it was okay for the first few days and I lost some weight pretty quickly.

Then came the sixth day. Before, when I tried a 180 degree change the sixth day always proved the most difficult. This time the sixth day came on a rainy Saturday where I was working all weekend, exhausted and in a general funk. The thought of eating chicken (which is the most bland of meats) with 1/2 cup of whole wheat pasta made me want to cry. So, I broke down and ate what made me happy. Grilled cheese.

Food makes me happy. It just does. I get pleasure and enjoyment from food. Nothing in the diet made me happy. How can someone live like that? So, the one day slip stretched into a weekend and then a week and now I'm back to eating whatever. This is not good. We are in the process of coming up with a realistic compromise meal plan.

The thing about the working out is that I do get a small amount of satisfaction from it. For example there are these Romanian deadlifts that he's had me doing and the first time, I could barely lift the bar alone - 45 pounds. Now, I'm doing 115 pounds. And I really like that and feel accomplished.

So, I guess we'll see what kind of compromise we can make with regard to my meals, but I'm sticking with the workouts at least until Melebration and we'll see what's what.

But Tracy, I have just one thing to say to you: I'm coming for a rematch. And I'm bringing my guns.

Mail Round-Up

2011-08-16T10:05:00.002-04:00

Mail Fail:

All Hail The Mail:

I'm Over It

2011-08-16T09:38:00.004-04:00

Seeing this has the same effect as:

- finally killing that mosquito that's been buzzing around my ear - and by buzzing, I mean writing things like "Yo mama, hit me back if u wanna chat!"
- admitting that I don't actually like Thai food when "EVERYONE likes Thai food!"
- throwing out those favourite jeans that I used to love, but that now use sayings like "Love like you've never been hurt..."

Aaaah, relief.

Shark Week

2011-08-15T09:02:00.003-04:00

I haven't been able to get this image out of my head all morning.
-----------------------------------
A family were on holiday in Australia when the husband, wife and their 15 year old son decided to go scuba diving. The husband is in the navy and has had some scuba experience. His son wanted a picture of his mum and dad in all their gear so he got the underwater camera ready to go. When it came to taking the picture the dad realized that the son looked like he was panicking as he took it and gave the ‘OK’ hand sign to see if he was alright.

The son took the picture and swam to the surface and back to the boat as quick as he could so the mum and dad followed to see if he was OK. When they got back to him he was scrambling onto the boat and absolutely panicking. When the parents asked why, he said ‘There was a shark behind you!’ The dad thought he was joking but the skipper of the boat said it was true, but they wouldn’t believe him.

As soon as they got back to the hotel they loaded the picture onto their laptop and this was what they saw.

The Power of Planking

2011-07-28T11:45:00.000-04:00

By now you all know what planking is. My friend Blake introduced me to it and surprisingly I've only had mild success - I thought my (p)lanky frame would make me a natural but my centre of gravity is way off.

Blake is wicked good.

Then he got Ryan into the mix and that bridge didn't have a prayer: Apparently the new thing is 'owling'. Well, that's just ridiculous.

The Cottage Countdown

2011-07-28T11:01:00.016-04:00

The Cottage Weekend, by the numbers:

16 - guests
12 - sleeping spaces in the cottage
2 - tents erected
1 - large bathtub offered as a sleeping option
0 - people who took advantage of this offer
4 - kayaks

15 - worms I hooked for Tim

15 - fish caught

0 - fish larger than 8"

1 - times Tim accidentally drank from his cigarette butt beer bottle
6 - times I kept laughing about it throughout the weekend and beyond
4 - Muskoka chairs

2 - damages (lawn chair from before I was born and coffee mug) - not bad at all
1 - bee hive (with corresponding parental notice)

1 - underwater synchronized water 'show'

1 - weak link in aforementioned water 'show' - you decide

12 - Gluten Free beers
18 - fireside s'mores
10 - haaaawwt pockets - Tracy's delicious fireside creation
6 - times Tracy kept having to remind me how awesome she is
15 - banana boats - now a cottage staple
1 - busted cooler - styrofoam just doesn't hold up the way it used to
2 - crossword puzzles completed

2 - star formations identified - this is embarrassing. "Maybe that's Mars??" doesn't count

1 - freak outs experienced by Julie - "Harry Potter" and "I heard what you said even when you weren't in the room to say it" will forever strike fear into my soul

1 - Snakes and Ladders games won
2 - Snakes and Ladders games where I cheated - I guess they were right, cheaters never prosper

1 - water trampoline trespassed - not that fun or worth the long swim to get there
1 - mosquito bite on my left shoulder that is swelling so badly that I look like Quasimodo

These all add up to a great weekend...now if you'll excuse me, I'm itching to go ring the bell in the clock tower.

To a Tee

2011-07-13T16:36:00.009-04:00

The message t-shirt. I've loved it:

I've laughed at it: (and said, "Really? Are you sure?")

I found myself in a Bluenotes the other day and these made me smile.

And then there's the t-shirt fail:

11 Year Old

2011-07-12T14:17:00.004-04:00

Attn: Neighbourhood kid who decided to befriend me yesterday while I watered the plants.

No, this is not going to turn into a feel-good Lifetime movie where we forge an unlikely friendship and you teach me how to care about people and I help you overcome your stutter. Just because you selected me to strike up a conversation with and we spent an entire 10 minutes talking about summer camp, gardening, the weird kid on the block and why you're sitting your bike on my garden hose, this does not make us friends.

I am not Mr. Wilson to your menacing Dennis. I don't know why you hugged me in the hips. I don't know why you didn't run away when I sprayed you with the hose. I don't know why you kept riding your bike past my house all evening, but it creeped me out.

I don't mean to sound all "Clint Eastwood in Gran Torino" but "Get off my lawn!"

Happy Canada Day!

2011-07-06T14:06:00.002-04:00

Yes, it's belated, but this picture is too awesome not to post.

How cool are we?

Summer School

2011-07-04T19:13:00.003-04:00

Trivia has come to an end for another season - or at least it has for me. They're dragging it out a bit this year, but I'm taking back my Monday nights until Thanksgiving. For example, tonight I am eating grilled cheese on the porch then going for a swim - can't let cerebral exercise interfere with that. After winning last week's round (natch) Kevin, Jim and I recapped our season and organized strategy for continued victory in the 2011-2012 season. Yes, we are giant nerds. Ones that will kick your asses each week!

We determined our shortcomings and made a study list for each of us for the summer. This is what we've come up with:

I think I got the short straw. I have to study the whole frickin' universe.

Where Can I Get One Of These?

2011-07-03T14:49:00.000-04:00

The Main Event

2011-07-03T12:10:00.003-04:00

Several times a year there is an event that is greater than all the other events. Whether it's the size and scale of the party of the VIP nature or even the budget - it's huge and dwarfs every other event that month. Yesterday was one such event - a 600 guest Italian wedding for a notable Hamiltonian. As a regular person, just hearing the words "600 guest Italian wedding" causes me to shudder but as an event planner, it's a major coup and usually turns out to be a great opportunity to impress and excel.

I worked the entire long weekend and my Canada Day celebrations consisted of my grumbling as the fireworks kept me from getting the 4 hours of sleep I would have access to the entire weekend.

Last night, as I furtively ate a cannoli while waiting to cue the best man's speech, I took a moment to compile my thoughts about this major event. In no particular or no particularly sensible order:

- Have you ever been in the massive church near the 403 and Dundurn? It's like our city's Catholic mothership and it's quite grand inside. They're also very strict. Apparently if you leave your keys and phone behind a holy water...statue thing and come back for it after dealing with the wedding party, the doors will be locked. After freaking out and knockin' on heaven's door, the priest (?) will begrudgingly let you in and give you the eye like he knows you're not even Catholic. At the rehearsal he made people put up their hands if they weren't - not sure why. As a Protestant event planner at the Italian wedding, and the only one with a clipboard, I stood out.

- My favourite part of any wedding is that short moment I get alone with the bride right before she walks down the aisle. She's typically really nervous and vulnerable and I can be the calm and professional presence to help her relax and focus - it's just a sweet little moment in the chaotic day where we can connect. Yesterday, this beautiful 23 year old was shaking and about to cry. She asked me what she should think about to avoid freaking out or sobbing. I told her to think about the first thing that came to my mind - the complete opposite of anything wedding related: dog fighting. I actually said this to her. Seriously, sometimes I should just be banned from speaking. Especially at crucial moments in people's lives. Luckily, she laughed as I fanned her with a Bible.

- I have become an expert at standing still with my hands clasped behind my back with reverence and poise while an variety of speeches, presentations, ceremonies or slide shows take place. Behind my back, my thumbs are wrestling each other.

- You know who's NOT so good at standing quietly still? Children. I'm sorry, but I truly do not believe young children have a place at an event like a wedding ceremony. At least not the ones present yesterday. Standing near the back of the church, I found myself in what seemed to be a free-for-all wild playground - at least 9 kids, in varying states of unrest. They were all running around (running!), screaming, being chased by indulgent mothers with not a shred of embarrassment or awareness on their faces. Why do they think it's appropriate to allow their children to interrupt and impair guests' enjoyment of a ceremony? Couldn't they have played outside? At home, in their backyard? Yes, yes, I know, I'm the witch in Hansel and Gretel, but come ON.

- Also, dressing your three children in the ever-subtle Burberry plaid, head to toe, does not make it okay for them to cavort around my ankles and grab at my dress. They all blended together and looked like some plaid super-child trying to take me down.

- If there were Event Professional Olympics, I would surely take gold in boutonniere and corsage pinning. I'm wicked good. I never prick anyone (by accident) and they will be secured for the whole day no matter how many aunts and uncles crush them in hugs.

- People really do not know how to dress in a church. Or to a wedding for that matter. It's not Jersey Shore night at Skank, the hottest new club for the under-20 crowd and you're not competing for the Most Orange Skin Showing trophy. Cover your side boob, already! And put your thighs away.

- Fondant sucks. No one likes to eat it and I don't care if it allows you to create a replica of the Notre Dame cathedral in icing. Let's put a picture of the cathedral beside a really good pie and call it a day.

- Also, cupcakes and candy bars are so played. Pie is the new wave. You heard it here first.

- Regarding the candy bar, I learned something about myself last night. If I accidentally drop a Reese's piece into my dress while eating them by the handful, it will fall out at the end of the night when I get changed. And, at 4am, after I find it on the floor, I will eat it. No shame. Or at least, none at 4am on hour 22 of being awake.

- Going on and on about being 'so into fashion' and name-dropping Phillip Treacy would be more easily believable if you were just stylish and quiet. And weren't still wearing turqoise contact lenses. Who are you, Paris Hilton in 2002? Even she's let that one die.

- I spent most of the night nervously watching a candelabra shake and nearly topple from the head table. Rowdy, drunk groomsmen + cheap rented Chinese fabrication = disaster and panicked event planner.

- I want to marry someone who dances. Watching all these older couples doing their best to the latest from Flo Rida and Lady Gaga was pretty awesome. You know they've never heard the song before but they're out there having fun, doing their little shuffle. I want to be 70 and have my husband beside me giving it our best shot. Why not? I guarantee they were having more fun than the couples sitting watching them.

- One of my favourite things about the field I'm in is the control and power I have on event day. Knowledge is power and having all the answers and ability to tell people where they have to be and what to do is way too much fun. I have the power to interrupt people, direct, and boss - this is what they're paying me for. And really, keeping a 30 person wedding party on track requires a firm hand. Those who recognize and respect my role from the get-go are much appreciated. Those (i.e. that charming groomsman who I had to constantly chase into line or the bridesmaid who thinks I am her slave) who resist...well, I suppose no job's easy.

- It is a guarantee that I will always tear up at the father/daughter speeches. Or really any of the speeches for that matter. I'm a total suck for these and it always makes me think about my parents and my special people. Whenever I feel the tears coming, I just try to think of dog fighting. It works.

Hour 21 and counting...

Fore The Love of Golf

2011-06-27T15:33:00.008-04:00

Golf is the new thing - is anyone else noticing this? I keep getting asked if I play and I always have to relay the following story, to which they always wince.

I worked at the Hamilton Golf & Country Club for several years throughout high school and university and each summer they allowed the staff to have a tournament. The first time I ever picked up a club I was paired with my favourite bartender, fellow waitress and some snot-nosed locker boy punk. Can you see who becomes the villain in my tale?

I was pumped and eager to determine if I was a surprise wonder on the links. Despite the odd divot, look how happy I am!

We start off at the first hole and as I mind my own business, the locker boy winds up for a practice shot with the driver. Oh, he connected all right. Not sure what happened, but the next thing I know I'm down for the count and trying not to cry. That never works. I bawled. The kid's defense: "I thought you were a tree."

Amidst my tears my (ex) favourite bartender thought it would be funny to recreate the scene for a picture.

Holy crap, my legs look like matchsticks. Yes, I was still gangly at 18.

I did get back on the horse a couple times, but the first impression stuck and so, no, I don't golf. However, I am available to drive the cart and fetch drinks should the need arise.

Loopy Eyes

2011-06-27T15:20:00.005-04:00

Caricature artists are the new cupcakes - as far as popular event things go. I think they're a great idea (you know, until they're too popular that I'm sick of them) and everyone secretly loves having a cartoon of themselves. So, while I've hired them countless times for events, I am always running around tending to crying brides, Lindsay Lohan's ashtray or a guest who is trying to steal the ice sculpture and therefore too busy to actually get one done for myself.

However, at my last event, since IT nerdy folk pretty much take care of themeselves, I was able to sit still for 7 minutes.
The trick is to come up with something to tell them before you sit down that they can draw you doing - I saw many people walk away with pictures of themselves drinking because they couldn't come up with something more creative. Fresh off my impressive badminton season I threw that idea out there.

Ummmm....not too sure about the outcome. Do my eyes really look like that? Although this version of myself is much more buxom, so that's cool.

Still Chuckling

2011-06-21T18:19:00.001-04:00

Under "Occupation" he put "Writer".

And I'm sure this email was some of his better work.

no game im looking someone to go out on a date with on you look really beautiful that i love to go out with you with time

Little Grins

2011-06-19T15:31:00.007-04:00

It's the little things that make me smile.

I "Heart" Construction

Figuring out a creative right brain way to deal with my controlling left brain need for 600 glasses to be perfectly straight.
Before: Chaos

During: Brainstorm + Cardboard

After: Much better.

Carrying beaded Mardi Gras necklaces on your wrist for 20 minutes while shopping will make you look like a leopard.

A splash of creativity in emails from potential suitors. Looking at my inbox, can you guess who I will write back?

Life, As I Know It

2011-06-19T14:20:00.017-04:00

So this is what I've been up to.
Ottawa Road Trip

Heroic brother received a Medal of Bravery from the Governor General so I went up to celebrate with the family. And to represent the less heroic faction of my parents' children. I used to live in Ottawa back in 2007 and hadn't really been back since. It's a great little city and I think it is a great retirement destination. However, when you're in your twenties and it's Saturday night, the options are few. I went back and checked out my old apartment - and yep, the crack filled alley nearby still exists. Ottawa is much like Hamilton in that one street is great and the next is sketch-town. It was a regular occurrence to be awoken at 4am by hookers and addicts below my window. I remember a mixture of fascination at being privy to their dealings and fear that they would look up and see me.

I went for the requisite beavertail, clowned around in front of the Parliament buildings with my mom until the police car slowed in front of us, and checked out the first blooms of the tulip festival.

It was a really nice weekend but clearly the 4 hour solo drive got to me and I had my camera - bad combo.
This is me when I saw a police radar and I'm doing 125km.

This is me when I saw a sad hitchhiker.

AGH Gala
The social event of the spring season - allegedly. It was actually pretty fun and it's always great to get dressed up and get my "hair did". From this angle, my updo gave me a glimpse into what I would look like with boy hair.

I showed it to a friend and his response was, "Whoa!" and jerked backwards. Not a ringing endorsement.
Speaking of not-so-great comments about pictures of me...at the gala someone said I look like Michelle Obama in this one.

Not sure where that came from and while it's not a diss or anything, isn't she a mother of two and at least 15 years older than me? Although, I will admit that with heels and shorter friends, I do kind of look like their chaperone. Harumph.

Dan's 30th Birthday Bash - 80s theme
I keep making the mistake and telling people it was my friend Dan's 80th birthday party. This was a wicked bash and as a member of the party planning committee that met weekly for 3 months, it was all worth it. I had the opportunity to wear my crazy 80s formal prom dress again so I'm totally getting every penny of my $12.99.

Great costumes, great food, great music, great decor (yes, those were cassette tapes hanging from the ceiling) and the dancing. Oh, the dancing. Dan had rented party lights and cleared out the living room for a throwback dance party. He got things started by using a SkipIt. Remember those?
Dan getting started:

Dan Skipping It:

Dan on the floor:

The Freeze Out

2011-06-18T11:07:00.003-04:00

Me: Excuse me, do you have any Freezies?

7-11 Store Clerk: Listen kid, I'm going to give it to you straight. We don't got no Freezies and we won't get them all summer.

Me (crestfallen and bristling at the tough love): Uh....

7-11 Store Clerk: Well, I figured there's no point lyin' to ya.

I settled for a pink grapefruit Slurpee. It is 10am.

At least I steered clear of the taquitos seen here.

Lone Wedding

2011-06-16T21:26:00.012-04:00

Sadly, besides the ones that I'm planning, I only have one wedding on my summer social schedule this year. I really love attending weddings - dressing up, open bar, cake, dancing to music you never get at clubs, and the occasional tearing up during speeches if I've had too much wine. It's all lovely.

The wedding I went to a few weeks ago was in the magical land of Woodbridge. It was my first time to the Italian mecca and it was everything I had expected it to be, but bigger. The entire place is a maze of big box stores, hairspray and tinted Honda Civics.

The wedding was only half Italian so I didn't get the full calzone experience but it was pretty awesome/hilarious. I'm talking dry ice on the dance floor awesome.

And I'm talking about the random introduction of sombreros at midnight hilarious. Side bar: somehow in the span of one week I was at two events where I was wearing a sombrero. Pulling. It. Off.

I didn't know anyone except for the person whose date I was and as I met the bride she said, "Oh your dress is so pretty!" For real. Shouldn't I be saying that to her?

After the veal and pasta but before the cheesecake pops (apparently all the rage this year - sigh) the night took an interesting turn as I ended up befriending this 10 year old girl at our table. Yeah. Not sure how this happened, but I think it started because I wanted her to go ask for more potatoes for me. And she did! Then I found her to be extremely useful and oddly fun. I'm not great with kids, but I think I've found my niche - 10 year old girls. They're at that age where someone older than them (I'm sure she thought I was 18) is still fascinating and they look up to girls that are not their mother because they're new and cool.

I remember being this age and wanting to act older and befriend the cool girls. Yes, I am that cool girl. Case in point: she was so helpful in finally getting Spice Girls played. The DJ denied my request, my date's request and my second request. Finally, I sent in the child and it was played right away. She also made me glow stick bracelets and let me have her cake. If only her parents hadn't been watching I could have had her fetch me drinks.

It was surprisingly fun and I felt that I had a small window to impart some wisdom. This is what I came up with when she said she didn't know how to dance: "No one knows how to dance. Just do what feels fun. If it's not fun, don't do it." Seriously. This is my sage advice. First of all, it sounds way to close to that awful saying frequently found on dating profiles "Dance like nobody is watching". Secondly, "If it's not fun, don't do it"? Yeah, that's not going to cause her parents any grief. Why didn't I just tell her to play in traffic and if he buys you dinner.... Ok, I need to refrain from giving out advice in the future.

Another highlight was a major celebrity sighting - funnyman Steve Carrell. In Woodbridge - who knew? I might have asked for an autograph. On my sombrero.

Attention single friends - get married already! I want to go to another wedding. Or my services are available for rent as a wedding date. I'll make "friends" with all the people at table. I will dress up and not embarrass you. Unless they play "Please Mr. Postman" and I'm near the dance floor - then all bets are off. I will not be the DD but I will let you keep the favour. I will help you remember the groom's name when you forget. I will be available for eye-rolling when the maid of honour's speech uses the phrase "two hearts, one soul". Who could refuse?

Long Weekend Lovely

2011-05-29T21:24:00.015-04:00

The first long weekend of 'summer' was amazing - every so often a weekend comes along that is so perfect it leaves me sad on Monday morning because it's over.

Breaking it down:

Friday night - McMaster Sick Kids charity benefit.

Yes, it's true, I'm such a philanthropist and all-around good person. However, my charity ends when I don't win a single door prize or raffle item. Seriously, I had a grand man's arm's length of tickets and, yet, bupkis. Is that how you say that?

Though, I did luck out by seeing this sign:

Perhaps our money should be going to a literacy program that specializes in spelling and punctuation instead.

Saturday morning - The first garage sale venture of the season!

Hurrah! Nothing cures a charity hangover like getting up at 7:30 am and trolling around with your friends while keeping an eye out for neon signs and 25 cent Tupperware.

We made the mistake of going around East Hamilton in search of sales and instead were inundated with yard sale mirages. For example, this one, from a block away looks like a sale, albeit paltry. As we drive closer, we see that it's just some white trash party leftovers. The picture doesn't show it, but there is a dude passed out in the bushes.

I found a wicked hammock, but was unable to convince the sellers to allow me to keep it on their lovely lawn and come by every day for a nap. If I put it in my shadeless and flowerless yard, it wouldn't be nearly as relaxing.Getting out of a hammock is more awkward than that first step onto the roller rink or when someone jumps on the trampoline at the same time as you.
Saturday night - Paul's 30-something birthday and apparent End of the World/Judgement Day

This is us after we realized it was after 6pm and we're still alive:But then we realized that it probably meant we had been passed over and are not up in heaven. Hmmm, that could be bad.

The rest of the night included: snake bite shots, banana clips from the 80s and learning that Paul wears his new Blackberry in his hip holster like a total loser.

I also experienced the moment where I decided that I am no longer into the traditional club scene where I am obviously the oldest person. There has to be a better way to dance and party with your friends without looking at 18 year old skankatrons and thinking, "Dear God, is that what I used to be like? Stop bumping into me! Shut. It. Down."

Sunday - Friend's Birthday Party Extravaganza

I was in charge of cannoli and helium balloons - the backbone to any party. As I've mentioned before, there is something so fun about carrying balloons around - an instant festive party.

One of the kids got ahold of one of the bunches and there it goes...

The shindig was pretty great and included a patio dance party, 2am garage jam session, and interesting notes to indicate all the sleeping babies around the house.

Monday - Shopping Stateside with Naomi

No pictures about that and unless you're interested in hearing about my new pink heels or 7 dresses that I purchased, I'll pack it in.

Overall, it was a wonderful weekend filled with great people, great occasions and great cannoli.

Bye Bye Birdie

2011-05-29T20:28:00.005-04:00

One of my spring “New Things To Try” is badminton. My friends and I now play in a casual badminton league every Tuesday night and it has quickly become my favourite thing of the week. Except for those weeks when I go to Denninger’s on a Saturday morning and eat a brunch full of samples.

Badminton is the most wonderful sport because you don’t need to train or really even learn, but if you’re keen you can become really skilled at it. You can simply walk in, pick up a racquet and play. Or you can pick up a racquet, practice and be awesome. We play with lots of 50 and 60 year old men, a few 30-somethings and us. Four more months until I have to lump myself into the 30-something category. The 60 year old men are really good and playing with them makes me better. The sound the birdie makes is so satisfying and I love that it can get really intense until you’re sweating like you just played an actual sport.

Obligatory 'racket-as-guitar' shot:
A Hamilton city rec program brings out lots of characters, including my friends from Toronto who had to register as 'illegal aliens' or lie about their address. There is this one couple who clearly comes to badminton as part of their foreplay routine. There is this one French guy who speaks no English and kicks our asses every week. It has been my goal to beat him or at least make him nod in admiration at my skills. So far, I have received a smirk. There is also the guy who plays in bathing trunks and enjoys telling racist jokes during my serve.

I have found that I have a similar involuntary reaction while playing badminton that I do while rock climbing - I end up shrieking and grunting. Like I think I'm Serena Williams or something. Also, a really good rally makes me giggle - badminton totally makes me giddy.

I've gotten a lot better over the ten weeks and am totally addicted. Just try me, I'll beat you.

Doggy Paddle

2011-05-29T17:44:00.004-04:00

This is the most ridiculous thing I have ever seen. But fairly reasonable in price.
Everyone knows there is no need to dress dogs in swimwear - all they need is a lifejacket and they'll be fine. Tessa, you're simply the best.
Who are the people buying these swimsuits for their dogs anyway? Probably the same people who buy glamour shots for their cats and tote their kids around on a leash. Or people who get those 'old-tyme' photos at Canada's Wonderland and drink Pepsi straight from the 2 litre bottle. Or hang dreamcatchers from their rear view mirrors and wear those huge t-shirts with bikinis painted on them.

Argh!

2011-05-17T18:42:00.001-04:00

What the F is wrong with the spacing on Blogspot?!?
It's driving me crazy.

I'm All Atwitter

2011-05-17T18:17:00.007-04:00

I recently joined Twitter. There is no end to the forms of social media and technology that I am now willing to explore. I'm bursting into this decade with a force - there's no stopping me. Look out MP3s - you're next.

I joined to follow a friend who writes about ridiculous statements in online dating profiles (@badprofiles) and then I added Kelly Oxford who says all sort of awesome stuff like "Has anyone told Avril Lavigne she has money?" and "I told my brother he looks like Tobias Funke and he unfriended me on Facebook :("

So I now have a Twitter profile. I do not tweet - I can barely keep up with this blog, but for some reason I have 2 followers. They stand to be disappointed.

However, I've been thinking and these are the types of things I would tweet:

- I just saw a pregnant hooker give money to her pimp on my way to trivia.

- How do people know when gas prices are going to rise? Every time this guy tells everyone on Facebook and I always sort of think he's a savant.

- Noooo! I have a party on the 22nd and I'm in charge of balloons and 3 dozen cannoli. The apocalypse doesn't really go with theme.
- Today I had a waitress named Charm and a woman named Nivea gave me a pedicure. I'm now looking for a chef named Pork Chop and a something named Something More Clever.

- I thought the whole point of you owning a Maserati is that I would never have to be stuck behind you.

- It looks like there was a wedding in my backyard and I wasn't invited.

Yeah, I should just stick to the blog.

Rainy Day Sandwich

2011-05-17T18:07:00.004-04:00

Have you ever seen a more perfect grilled cheese sandwich in your entire life?

And wait, there's more...it's filled with bacon.

Yes, I'm afraid that until this weather clears up and just being alive in the sunshine makes me smile, I have to rely on perfect sandwiches.

Beets, beets, b-b-b-beets

2011-05-15T17:15:00.003-04:00

Beets are like the rats of the produce family.

Hammer Votes

2011-05-15T17:03:00.003-04:00

While this is way delayed, did you vote? I wanted to be a more informed voter this time around and to this end, I attended a Q&A session with the candidates in my riding. Perfectly blending with state, it was held in a church a few blocks away.

David Christopherson (NDP), Anne Tennier (Liberal) and Michael Baldasaro (Party O’ Pot & Beards) were in attendance. The Conservative candidate declined to attend – at this announcement, there was a lot of chuckling and booing. I was pretty sure I knew who I was going to vote for before this session, but it was extremely informative and I felt like I was an active participant in the voting process. Halfway through, while someone else was speaking Baldasaro changed into this hat:

The unfortunate part was that I had to sit through the evening in East Hamilton, among a cross-section of my neighbours. I think I’ve said before that I believe Hamilton to be a pocket city, where one block is beautiful and upstanding and the next is filled with rest homes and derelicts. What are rest homes anyway? I don’t think they’re like halfway houses – are they for people who can’t function on their own? I don’t know, but all I see as I walk past them is dozens of people sitting on the front porch chain-smoking into an empty coffee can ashtray.

Some of the people that attended this Q&A spent most of the evening burping, heckling, yelling out “Stop bombing Libya!” and smelling badly. It was embarrassing. Also embarrassing was Baldasaro and his supporters. Free speech and equal rights aside, it seemed to be a colossal waste of everyone’s time. Sample answer when asked something about the economy: “Well, hemp clothes. Clothes made of hemp. There’s lots of jobs in that.” Sample response from this supporters: laughter.

The interesting thing was that while listening to Tennier and Christopherson I was reminded of all that Hamilton actually has to offer. It IS or CAN BE a great city. It’s like we have all the elements to be a thriving metropolis and yet it’s just not working out yet. Hamilton is the ‘good on paper’ guy we’ve all met. It was nice to be reminded of all the things we have going for us which are so easily forgotten living among burping, shirtless layabouts. I imagine a Q&A session in Ancaster would have been much different.

They did have desserts there though. However, it didn't help that someone coughed on them. Wicked.

Uncle Stephen Wants You!

2011-05-15T16:53:00.002-04:00

It’s been a while since I’ve posted. Life has been pretty busy – I love this time of year. Spring fever is in full bloom, the promise of summer and 4 long months of warmth and dinners in the sun are ahead and it’s becoming acceptable to bugger off early from work since it’s finally sunny.

A few weeks ago I decided that my penchance for high-end dry cleaning and $125 gala tickets might warrant some additional income and since my Nigerian prince hasn’t been returning my emails, I considered going gov. This sounds Palin-esque (going rogue). For those of you who, like me, still get HST cheques as a pity pittance you might remember an insert for census enumerators. I answered the call. It would be a short term stint that allows me to work alone, trawl the neighbourhood and interrupt people during their dinners. It paid pretty well and I thought it would be something new for a couple weeks.

The process involved in applying for a government job is an Olympic level exercise in hoop jumping. I’ve worked for government before, in Ottawa no less, but it was as a co-op and no one really screens budding librarians too closely. However, once a job offer is opened to the general public…in Hamilton…they increase the scrutiny a bit. Rightfully so, I really don’t want most of Hamilton’s public showing up at my door and asking if I live alone.

So the applications, interviews, testing, phone calls and background checks began and this process took several weeks. Now, go ahead and call me an egomaniac, my friend Tracy spares no opportunity to do so, but I tend to think that people with Master’s degrees, mortgages in good standing and all their teeth should be exempt from some of the tests to make sure we’re not raving lunatics. I mean, really. I’m taking these tests alongside jailbirds, former crack addicts, people who voted for Michael Baldasaro, Michael Baldasaro and that crazy guy you see in Gore Park. Which one, you ask? All of them. Especially that one you’re thinking of.

Okay, so I pass the preliminary tests (duh) and they’d like me to come in for a written examination. I always love a good Scantron sheet. As I sit in the sweltering room next to a woman who brought a full-on calculator with paper roll and a guy who has left his name blank on the form, I think, “Yep, this is the place for me.”

They require that we stay in the room for 30 minutes. After I completed my twelve questions in the regular amount of time you would expect (i.e. 4 minutes) I was left with a great deal of time to people watch. I also spent the time staring at the answer sheet of the woman next to me and whispering, “Are you sure?” with a ‘tsk-tsk’ noise. I’ll admit that I did go back and review because I was worried I was being tricked with the simplicity – why was everyone still writing?

I made the observation that no one wears more short sleeved dress shirts than government employees -and proudly too. They have a monopoly there. They also really like wearing their name badges on full display and they shush people almost as well as librarians.

After seeing the variety of people in that testing room, my best advice for you would be to fill out that census form you received last week. Otherwise, they’re coming for you…

Trust me on this one.

Looking for the smiles

2011-04-29T18:56:00.010-04:00

Weather-wise, this has been one of the most bleak and grey weeks that I can remember in a long time. In addition, I'm now sick and am officially a mouth-breather. So I decided to start looking for things to make me smile today. It's surprising how many things I was able to find once I started looking.

I couldn't figure out what this was at first, but then I realized this van was filled with helium balloons. How can you not smile at a van full of balloons? Surely, it was on its way to brighten someone's day or flank a junior high graduation stage. My former boss thought balloons were the event decor death knell and current clients always go on about the environmental impact of these happy globes. But I secretly kind of love balloons at a party. They're just so easy and impactful. They instantly say party. You can't deny it. Plus helium voices are pretty funny.

This, at the Art Gallery of Hamilton, made me smile because I can think of dozens of reasons this sign is wrong. Here is a sampling of the important things that DO, in fact, require 6 foot neon letters:
- Spring - where the F are you?!?!
- My family's got my back and I'm lucky to have them.
- The world would be a little bit better if every day we each paid one compliment to someone else. Just one. Your hair looks good today, by the way.
- Finally! The royal wedding hype is over. Almost.
- Vote.
- Welcome home Sue!

As I pulled into my driveway yesterday I was pleasantly shocked to see these hyacinths (I think?) growing in my front garden. I don't remember them from last year. Is it possible I have secret, green-thumbed neighbourhood nymphs that have selected me as the lucky recipient of their midnight mulching? This would be pretty cool. Unfortunately, the more likely explanation is that my memory is waning. Either way, they're pretty.

Both this woman's oblivion and her effort made me smile. Sure, that hair ponytail holder thing is fake and only slightly better quality than Barbie hair, but at least she's trying. In Hamilton, this is a big deal. And until I looked closer I didn't really notice that she was using performance enhancing polyester elastics. I was also probably smiling because, as you may be able to tell, I was standing in line at a Winners waiting to buy a new dress.

You'll be hard pressed to find a more colourful Easter dinner plate. So pretty, so delicious. I found a new recipe to make carrots bearable. That Kinder Surprise was a bit of a letdown, however. Who is in Taiwan coming up with these 'toys'? Really. There's no rhyme or reason to them and what am I supposed to do with a teeny tiny car/plane with no passenger and half a panda figurine? I also heard that some kid had his Kinder Surprise taken away before he boarded a plane recently. Contraband. Banned. Stupid.

This was my first foray into puff pastry and I ended up baking this weird blob that turned out to look like an origami crane. I think lots of buttery good luck is coming my way.

What I Need

2011-04-27T09:57:00.003-04:00

I read this recently and since I was looking for an easy way to distract myself from my daunting to-do list today, I thought I'd give it a go.

You're supposed to type your name plus the word 'needs' into Google and then list the first 10 things that come up.

This is what I got:

- Melissa needs a new roof
Ok, that's actually pretty spooky since I posted a while ago about how the shingles from my roof are littered all over the neighbourhood.

- Melissa needs to lose it
Well, that's rude.

- Melissa needs to get on board with her new body
Before or after I lose it?

- Melissa needs help
Yeah, help to lose it, love it and roof it

- Melissa needs to cowboy up and real-life encounter with Donald Rumsfeld.
Ummm....

- Melissa needs to board the blob ship that is hovering overhead
Double 'ummm...'

- Melissa needs a breeder
Wow. I really hope my future dates read this.

- Melissa needs to remember how it felt when her first wife left her, told her she wasn't gay and went back to dating men
I don't want to remember that - it was too painful.

- Melissa needs to grow up and get a heart
Such an internet hate-on for the Melissas of the world.

Ok, really though, Melissa needs to get back to work.

The Perfect Peel? Check.

2011-04-24T22:53:00.003-04:00

I'm actually pretty impressed with myself.

I love when you accomplish things you didn't even know you wanted to accomplish.

I'm ready for when they remake that scene in Sleepless in Seattle.

The Spring Fridge

2011-04-24T22:37:00.006-04:00

I've lived in my house for about a year now and this weekend I decided that I should change up my fridge gallery. These are things I look at every single day, hundreds of times, and they all make me smile or remember a wonderful time. Love to smile while I fetch the milk.

But I needed to refresh my memories. Out with the old:

I have a little obsession with a friend's baby, a Spice Girl blocking someone's face, a motto that Hamiltonians should adopt and add "and sweatpants" to, and a Santa Claus look-a-like with my Grandma.

And in with the new:

The spring revamp includes a mink shot from Oscar night, my feet on the cottage dock after I returned from living in NYC - I went to the most serene place I could think of as detox, a picture of the saddest day, several pictures of the happiest days, my friend Nathan who always makes me laugh - even just the memories of time spent with him, and my mom and I when I lived in Ottawa.

My favourite magnet is one that my friend Katy gave me (she's the one in the veil) - it says "Today I will accept change." Maybe tomorrow.

Oh, Stop Your Crying

2011-04-24T22:29:00.003-04:00

Every time I chop onions I am plagued by tears, sniffling and it feels like razor blades on my retinas. I've tried all the so-called remedies: closing my mouth, using a wet knife, freezing the onion first, making French onion soup with celery instead - no success.

I stumbled across this tip yesterday and it totally works. 100% satisfaction guaranteed - unless you're allergic to gluten, as I was reminded tonight.

Put a piece of bread in your mouth while cutting onions. It's weird, but it completely prevented any stinging or crying. I'm not sure about the specfics of size or type, but I just used regular white bread.

Amazing. You're welcome.

Cheese and Cheesy

2011-04-24T15:30:00.020-04:00

I think it's a good thing I'm in event planning because I love throwing a party more than almost anything. Although it's way more fun to host for my friends than for clients. Fewer budget meetings, tantrums over the ice sculpture and zero requirement to be kosher. This rainy Good Friday was party prep time:

Tonight's party is for Susan's 31st birthday - it's a formal wine and cheese with a twist. The twist is tacky, and lots of it. Susan wanted to relive the past in the most touching way - through taffeta and crush velvet. Dress code was formal with a preference for retro. If someone wore it to an 80s prom, as a bridesmaid or to any party that served pigs in a blanket, it was a go. Some of the guests were able to fit into their 8th grade dresses, others wore their mother's 60s gowns and others still draped themselves in teal ruffles. It was awesome.

Chris put together 8 hours of non-stop 80s and 90s gems including (luckily) Saturday Night by Whigfield. I didn't want to have to get out my own copy of Much Dance 1995. Whatever happened to Master T?

Chris won the prize for costume with the Most Articles of Clothing That Require Batteries. His light up shirt was activated by music or sound - it was super cool. I now have a reason to go to the Winona Peach Festival this year - gotta get one for myself.

We pretended to care about which cheese went well with which wine (wow, that's a lot of w's in a row) but ended up just going to town on both. Some people were a little creative with their cheese pairings.

Staying true to the retro theme, I made a couple recipes from this cookbook - asparagus rolled up in white bread with cream cheese and bacon - very 70s...and delicious.

Can't go wrong with a cookbook with this motto:

Detachable teal taffeta ass bow - I'm so glad fashion is cyclical. Can't wait for that to come back around.

Happy Birthday Susan!

She's a Wannabe

2011-04-17T19:37:00.009-04:00

"Award-winning singer/songwriter Adele has revealed her first musical love - the Spice Girls. The original girl band had quite an influence on the 22-year-old's career and she's adored them since she was 7."

Well, my obsession makes perfect sense now.

"'Even though some people think they're uncool, I'll never be ashamed to say I love the Spice Girls because they made me who I am,' Adele admits." My thoughts exactly, Adele. Zig a zig ah.

Easy Like Sunday Morning

2011-04-17T13:18:00.005-04:00

Stupid mouse + wire chewing = fried mouse.

Unseen dead mouse + vacuum = shrieking.

Tin foil + hole in wall near chewed wire = explosion, fireball and more shrieking.

I have to go lay down.

Cashew Warnings

2011-04-17T13:15:00.002-04:00

Oh, good to know.

Fashion Week - Outsider's Perspective

2011-04-16T20:59:00.006-04:00

Another Fashion Week, perhaps my last. It's like breaking up with someone, but still going to Christmas dinner with their family. Awkward, sad and painful. Although, in this case there are lots of fashionistas and gay guys with pompadours. This season I went with Dru and Julie, who I ended up calling Drulie by the end of the night. We saw the slouchy clothes, got our free swag which included a box of Special K (?) and feasted our eyes on the best people parade in the city. Really, the runway should just be filled with all the characters that attend - fabulous people watching. Afterwards, we went for dinner and forgetting that we're no longer in Hamilton, weren't able to get a table on the chi-chi Ossington. We ended up on Harbord and as we stepped out of Dru's minivan this guy yells across the street: "Sweet ride, ladies!" Harumph. But hilarious.

No Wire Hangers!!!

2011-04-16T20:54:00.003-04:00

Yet another of the glamourous behind-the-scenes tasks of an event planner.

And On The 6th Day, There Was Peanut Butter

2011-04-16T19:24:00.008-04:00

I have been a part of a personal experiment for the last five days. It didn't start out that way. It started out with my resolute and determined attempt to clean up my act. Or at least my diet. See, I am what you call 'skinny fat'...well, that's what I call it anyway. I don't eat the greatest and I thought I would take a stab at heading my sure-to-fail metabolism off at the pass. This meant a 30 day intensive program that included a strict diet and exercise regime. Tracy Anderson calls it her 30 Day Method. I call it hell. I was dreading it, but convinced that I could do it. After all, what is 30 days in the grand scheme of my life full of carbs and sugar?

This is Tracy Anderson. She is a powerful pixie of death. And she has a hate-on for me. I read the book, spent several hours gathering all the foods I would need for the first week of meals and psyched myself out. I had the DVD, I had running shoes, I had kale. The shopping list was extraordinary. Never has my fridge looked so bountiful and fresh. I'm pretty sure I bought every single vegetable available. Endive? Check. Hearts of Palm? Check. Sugar snap peas? Check. How is one single gal supposed to ingest all this?

For five days I subsisted on fresh fruits and vegetables, poached fish, steamed turkey and chicken. Period. That's it. I'm not kidding. I did not slip once. There was nary a piece of bread or refined sugar anywhere. For those of you who know me even a little, this was a severe departure from my regular lifestyle. No cheese, no red meat, no pork products, no sweets, no carbs!

I had no idea how much work it is to eat this healthy. I had to think ahead and prepare meals the night before so I wasn't stuck cheating at work. Each day I spent a minimum of 90 minutes preparing food. And during a busy week such as this one, that kind of commitment had me up until 11pm steaming chicken and chopping zucchini. Only to rise at 6am for the hour long exercise routine.

Who is this girl??

Some days (i.e. Day 2) I was pumped and excited at the inevitable changes that would appear after 30 days. Other days (i.e. the rest of them) I was downright pissed off. I hated all the work, I hated not being able to eat what I wanted, I hated exercising and I hated water chestnuts.

It made me realize how happy food makes me. Everyone is an emotional eater, whoever says different is lying. Coming home after a crazy day, I kept yearning for a slice of hot pizza or the perfect sandwich. Instead, I was comforted by lettuce leaves rolled around turkey, avocado and edamame. Food became all I could think of. The fact that I couldn't have it made me want it even more. I found myself craving food I don't even really like. I'd drive by a KFC and whine.

Also, this seems to be the absolute worst week to start this craziness. I had 3 events to attend this week and this, of course, means free food. Event #1: an industry insiders' party at the Royal Elgin/Winter Garden Theatre. I attended with Katy who graciously tried all the food and described in detail each morsel for me. She really went above and beyond with the blueberry chocolate cigars. Event #2: corporate event at McMaster where the food was all themed for the guest of honour. This meant tuna melts, tomato soup, mini cheeseburgers, and candy bars. Instead of enjoying these, I sat in my car eating cold chicken protein soup. Event #3: client BBQ full of sausages, pizza and Italian veal. I had salad. And tears.

Today is the 6th day. After a night filled with blindingly painful stomach cramps, I deduced that my body was crying out for carbs and sugar. This is the only explanation. Plus, I was becoming miserable eating like this. I had some peanut butter on crackers. Now, I'm eating a pizza. Whatever.

The reason I originally decided to do this was because I felt I would respond well to the strict instructions and meal plan. It was all laid out there for me to follow and succeed. I thought the intensity and severity of this 30 day change would work for me. I might have been wrong. I know I'm talking about lasting 5 days like it was a miracle, but for me, it really was. It was one of the hardest things I've done. I'm a bit melodramatic, I guess. Turns out, I may need to approach this with a little more flexibility and realistic expectations. Changing my entire life is setting myself up to fail. Maybe I can incorporate some of the principles into my current diet but not beat myself up if I really want a Billot Log, which I'm eating right now.

Life is too short. Failure sucks, but being unhappy sucks even more. And food makes me happy. You do the math.

Google Grasps

2011-04-03T10:18:00.003-04:00

Google seems to really be grasping at straws lately with their banner notables. The other day it was the birthday of the guy who invented the bunsen burner. Today it's the 119th anniversary of the first documented ice cream sundae. Seriously? Not even the 125th? What's next? The 3rd birthday of Rowan Wilson, who may or may not grow up to invent a remote control lawn mower? The 99th anniversary of the day 'burnt sienna' was deemed a Crayola colour? The 47th birthday of the Old Spice Guy?

Sighted and Unsightly

2011-03-31T17:10:00.002-04:00

Oh, come on, Hamilton. Really?

March Madness

2011-03-27T20:51:00.013-04:00

March can be pretty bleak. Spring pretends it's going to arrive then throws a blizzard back in your face. People start doing their taxes. The time change throws us all out of whack. I decided that this March, things would be different.

For lack of a better name, March Madness was our attempt to shake things up and get us over the last hump of winter. Each weekend we did something that we'd never done before. Or at least something our group hadn't done before together. It was nice to have something planned each Saturday and we didn't even get sick of each other! The true test of friendship.

Weekend #1:

Indoor go-karting. I talked a lot of big talk before this one. I figured my speeding tickets would qualify me for front of the pack and an eventual win. Lots of 'Eat my dust' smack talk. I am sad to report that I was last. I started last and stayed last. I later found out that I was the only one braking while going around corners. What?!

Me: Yeah, I stayed in 7th place the whole time!

Dad: How many people were there?

Me: Um, 7.

Dad: *snort*

Susan came out in front and won the whole thing. With nary a speeding ticket to her name?! We all came out a little high from the contained fumes and skeptical of the hairnets we had to wear.

Weekend #2:

Indoor rock-climbing. I actually loved this. In fact, since then I've been back several times and am considering getting my own gear. Being a tall woman, apparently I started out with a natural advantage. I really like wearing the harness. Even when I'm not climbing, I just like having it on. Not really sure why...

You get all this instruction about harnesses, tying knots and belaying people and then they just say, "Ok, start climbing" with no tips whatsoever. But the next thing I knew I was at the top of this 40 foot wall while everyone stared up at my ass. It was exhilirating. The climbing, not the staring. Well, fine, sort of the staring.

I got addicted pretty quickly. That's how they get you - there's always a higher wall to climb. Turns out I'm a bit of yelper when I'm climbing. It's involuntary and fear based - I can't help it. I'm also pretty hard-core. Evidence: skinned elbows.

After my first major climb my hands wouldn't stop shaking. It's a fingertip workout if nothing else. (Aside, why do my hands look so huge here?)

Weekend #3:

Following in our streak of wearing other people's shoes, we all went bowling. Ok, so not really new, but still fun. My favourite part was giving everyone bowling monikers. Ashley, lover of all things Harry Potter/LOTR was christened "Bowldermort".

Chris and Susan brought their own balls and shoes and wiped the floor with us. I did not live up to my Hambone nickname. I fear it might have been a fluke. April brings promise of trampolining and indoor sky diving....looking forward to when we can tackle outdoor activities.

I'll See Your Bad Day...

2011-03-27T10:42:00.003-04:00

...and raise you a Worse Day.

Today I hit a police officer.

While driving my boss' luxury car.

Yep.

I think I win this hand.

If It's Not A Right Angle...

2011-03-24T21:29:00.002-04:00

...it's a wrong angle.
Who shovels this perfectly?? Way to make my driveway look like I didn't even do any shovelling at all.

Lovin' the Love Monkey

2011-03-23T17:46:00.007-04:00

Once upon a time the stars aligned to allow me to have both free cable and access to a channel that aired one of the best shows I've ever watched. It was a brief window as both the cable and the show were quickly cancelled. But, boy, that was a great month.

The show was called Love Monkey and starred Tom Cavanagh, Larenz Tate, Judy Greer and Jason Priestley. There was just something about it - I couldn't get enough. In fact, the show was so beloved that I was inspired to write Tom Cavanagh a fan letter. Luckily that passed, but I came pretty close. Told from a guy's perspective and set in NYC (natch) the show had everything - humour, relationships, music and great characters coming of age. I have no idea why it was cancelled because everything about it was perfection.
I soon learned that it was based on a novel by Kyle Smith, who, while an entertaining writer, really doesn't jive with the image in my head of the main character. Especially not since CBS has plunked Tom Cavanagh in my brain. This is Kyle Smith:

See what I mean? He's got more like a serial killer look going on. It's a shame...this is why I don't like to look at the jacket flap pictures of writers - it throws me off and sometimes influences how much I'm enjoying the book.

I was sent his book by a friend after I mentioned my obsession with the show (love this sort of considerate attention-paying) and it's become one of my go-to books when I don't have anything new on the go. It's quite good and here are a few examples of the writing that sum up his style. Very sharp.

"Bran doesn't carry a chip on her shoulder; she carries it in her hand, so she can jab you with it."

"I piece myself together uncertainly. 'Suave,' says my shampoo. 'All-purpose solution,' says my contact lens cleaning fluid. 'Total control,' says my styling gel. 'Cool,' says my antiperspirant. I am not living up to the expectations of my toiletries."

Girl 'Dating'

2011-03-23T08:48:00.005-04:00

Girl 'dating'. It's a tricky thing - perhaps even more tricky than guy dating. Of course, I'm talking about striking up friendships with girls at this stage in life. By this point, most of us have our set friends. We've worked them in, weeded out the superfluous and insane, and are pretty happy with our situation. Which is good, because unless you're prepared to work for it, they are what you're stuck with for the forseeable future.

As I write this, I realize my pursuit of a couple girl friends may imply that I am not happy with my current lot. This is absolutely untrue - I'm just looking to add, not replace. Besides, with all the secrets my current friends know, replacing them is out of the question.

In the past couple months I have met a couple girls who I really like. Plus, they're both single, which is a bonus as it's always great to have friends in the same situation as you - more amenable to spontaneity and commiserative to the trials and tribulations of dating. They say misery loves company.

So, as with regular dating there is the courting period where you decide if you like each other and there is the exchange of contact info. First, it may start as a Facebook connection. Then regular email addresses are given. Next, if things are really going well, you get each other's cell number. The communication pinnacle is the voice-on-voice phonecall. So far, with these girls I've made it to the top. Yeah, they want me.

Once mutual attraction (ok, I'm trying to think of a better word than attraction, but you know what I mean) is established, we can venture out into the world together. Making plans. This is a big step. Originally I met both of these girls in person and we got along well, but making a friend date, just the two of us, is different. No mutual friend as a distraction, no cleaning chore (I met this one girl while cleaning a friend's restaurant), no booze (ok, there might be booze), and no necessity (I met the other one while sequestered in dull Phoenix).

It's one thing to like someone's company for a short time or have enough in common to get through a brief conversation, but in order for true friendship to blossom there has to be enough to connect you for several hours. This is where it gets tricky. I've tried to strike up friendships with other girls in the past where I thought we had lots in common and it seemed like a natural pairing. Perhaps I flew too close to the sun, but I got burned. It just didn't work out. Girl friendships after the age of 25 is a delicate matter and not everyone clicks. Under 25 all you have to do is both like Singapore Slings, be willing to hold each other's hair back or wear the same shoe size.

The annoying part about starting a new friendship is that the person doesn't know completely how awesome I am yet so I am unable to show my entire personality lest it overshadow the awesome. Let me explain. One of these girls is really flaky (no, not you - the other one doesn't read my blog) and is spotty with communication, lackadaisical about plans, tardy and not one to confirm 'dates' until just before. If she were a guy I would think, "She's just not that into me", but she is. She's the one who always contacts me and asks me to do something and we have a great time when we're together. Could she be seeing another girl-friend?! If she were an old friend I could let the annoyed and organized part of my personality wail down upon her. I wouldn't stand for this behaviour from other friends (to be fair, none of my current friends behave this way), but noooo, we're girl 'dating' so I have to be on my best behaviour. Polite, accommodating, easy-breezy. It's exhausting.

What I find to be the strangest part of girl 'dating' is how I act similar to the way I would on a regular date. I pick my outfit carefully. I am on my best behaviour. I try to only show the most appealing parts of my life and personality. I use anecdotes and tested and true stories. The only things that are missing are the nervous butterflies and the anticipation of the end of the night. Oh, and the awkwardness of the opening greeting. (That is my least favourite part of regular dating. Can't we just all agree to high-five each other and remove the whole, "Should I hug him? Do I stand? Shake his hand? Nothing?" mental chaos.) Also missing is the "reach for the wallet" routine. And getting there 20 minutes early just so I don't have to search around the restaurant. Ok, fine, so there are many differences between girl 'dating' and regular dating.

Girl 'dating' - giving it a whirl...

I'm Just Young At Heart, That's All

2011-03-23T08:39:00.003-04:00

Sometimes I go along in my day very pleased with myself then am shot down in a matter of moments. Yesterday, for example, I decided that my motto would be "Make Better Choices". Not sure why, I was just in a mood. This was carried out in the following ways:

- eat the apple instead of the delicious cupcake

- slow down and stop speeding (that one was necessitated by radar sighting)

- eat the cucumber but don't eat the dip

- don't say something snarky just because you have the chance

- don't take that personally, because it's probably not about you

- instead of using your extra 10 minutes in the morning to experiment with eyeliner, which will inevitably result in raccoon eyes, go out and shovel

Happy with my small decisions and the motto running through my head, I told my teacher friend Naomi about it. She laughed and said, "That's exactly what my principal tells the kids on the PA system every morning - 'make better choices'. They're 6 years old!"

This stupid poster comes to mind:
Harumph.

Ski Trip 2011

2011-03-22T18:29:00.000-04:00

Our annual ski trip is one of my favourite things of the whole year, right up there with the United Way Garage Sale in September and that perfect summer evening filled with lazy bike riding and California BLTs on the porch. Oh, and when the Dairy Queen near my house opens in March. This year, we had a super-suite and accordingly brought super amounts of food and alcohol - even though we were only there for 2 nights. Don't worry Mom, the alcohol was mostly for cuts and scrapes. I brought the biggest wheel of Brie I could find and shockingly, we didn't even finish it. What is wrong with us?!

Always up for trying new things and oddly convinced that I have an aptitude for winter sports, I decided to give snowboarding a shot. I took ski lessons in 9th grade and thought that having both feet on one board would be easier than the inevitable splits I experienced on skis back then. This was not the case. Paul and I were both complete beginners and got all geared up and headed for some lessons. Expecting that my skills would far surpass his, what with my ski lessons 15 years ago and all, I talked some big talk. Plus, he kept saying that along with camping and swimming, black people don't snowboard. Or go horseback riding.

I should learn to be leery of sports that require knee pads.

Somehow he quickly passed each level while I was stuck on the left toe turn, or whatever it's called. The instructor kept saying, "Look where you want to go!" - I kept glancing toward the chalet. Shortly after I plowed down the hill right between another beginner's legs screaming "Sorry, sorry, sorry!", he gracefully excused himself to hit the black diamonds. Where did this come from?! I should have stuck with skiing. Or the hot tub.

Other highlights:

- 2nd Annual Random Bed Jumping Competition...not sure why this started last year but it's really fun and has expanded into an hour long extravaganza. It's simply jumping on a bed, people! It probably shouldn't be this much fun.

- 2nd Annual Douchebag-Off...this is much worse than the bed jumping and has only been strengthened by Jersey Shore. I did not participate - on principle. Well, principle and I don't own any Ed Hardy. Thankfully. Paul and Ashley took the prize this year - it's a little unsettling how easily they slumped into these roles.

We went to the club for about 20 minutes (since a real life Douchebag-Off was in full swing with no sense of irony) and even up against my Popeye cigarette their sunglasses in the dark were the trashiest accessory.

Is It Just Me?

2011-03-22T13:34:00.005-04:00

Is it just me or is it really annoying when cashiers or bank tellers are so friendly and talkative that it prevents them from performing their work? Do they not know that the reason I'm standing in front of them is to purchase cheese or pay a bill? Perhaps surprisingly, I am not there to chat about the weather or answer questions about where I got my jacket. (Besides, I don't want to tell you.)

To clarify, I am not the Devil. I enjoy friendliness, easy conversation with strangers and occasionally dole some out myself. I like small talk just fine and my cheeks are accustomed to smiling. But I feel that if you can't do these things while simultaneously doing your work, you're jamming up my day. If you have to stop scanning an item or typing a figure into the computer in order to talk to me, I'd happily do without the talking. Multi-task people!

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Is it just me or is no one else wearing seatbelts in taxicabs? Why is this? Somehow when I step into a cab I figure myself invincible. Like I'm in an impenetrable iron bubble that smells like take-out. I never wear a seatbelt. I mean, I will now. Probably. Now that I've thought about it, I guess.

It's like school buses - how is it not mandatory that kids have to be strapped in? Are they just not going fast enough or is it that they're big and yellow so what kind of moron would you have to be to run into one? Or limousines - I don't even think they have seatbelts in them. Interesting. Sort of.

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It is just me or is this not the most beautiful brunch? Hmm, okay maybe the picture doesn't do it justice but it really brightened up my morning.

It's An Honour Just to Be Nominated...

2011-03-21T19:53:00.007-04:00

...for Most Last Minute Oscar Garment.

For last year's party I swiped a couture gown from a make-up artist's studio and only now when I look at the pictures, do I realize it was mostly see-through. I had spent the day quitting a job I loved more than any other job and "breaking up" with a boss who made my Hamilton to Toronto commute worth it. Teary-eyed, I rushed home with 15 minutes to spare then had to sashay through a supermarket in this frock in search of Brie. The dress weighed about 20 lbs - all sequins and fringe.

This year I was on a ski weekend and rushed home with bruised limbs and had just enough time to grab this mink coat that was given to me - surprisingly not as a joke. The tag says mink, but I'm pretty sure it's actually squirrel. It is the inspiration and piece de resistance for my upcoming Hallowe'en costume - finally, some prep time. I also threw on this butterfly sequin top thing that Dru convinced me to buy at a garage sale because she had the exact same one. What are the chances?

Of course, none of these outfits tops the rash-inducing actual world pageant submission of 2009, seen here:

2009 Oscar Party

Heads Up

2011-03-20T19:14:00.003-04:00

Let's put our heads together...

...and come up with a different way to take a picture.

Picture 1: Ninth Grade, number of people in that picture I am still friends with: 1

Picture 2: Tenth Grade, number of people in that picture I am still friends with: (see above, less 1)

Picture 3: 2006, happy to report: all of them - they stuck by me during the Great Winter Bangs Debacle of that year.

Missed Mariah

2011-03-16T13:38:00.005-04:00

Perusing at the library this weekend I nearly gasped when I realized there is a Mariah Carey CD that I have somehow missed. I think I've admitted before that I went through a big MC phase in my late teens and even though her current stuff has nothing on her 90s stuff, I still end up buying her music.

This one came and went without my knowledge:

Listening to it, I figured out why. It's awful. Almost as bad as the cover art suggests. The funny thing I've noticed about Mariah Carey is that the lyrics in her songs are filled with words I'm pretty sure she doesn't use in real life. I'm also not convinced she knows their meanings.

Can you picture Mariah Carey saying these words?

- guise

- fervid

- supremacy

- acquiesce

- succumb

- impervious

- felicity

Summer's Bounty

2011-03-16T13:27:00.004-04:00

Skip spring, summer is coming early. I'm forcing it. There are few things better than a homemade milkshake with a friend on an early *almost* spring evening. With the time change, for a split second, it's easy to fool yourself into thinking it's July. Except I was wearing socks.

WTF!?!?!

2011-03-08T13:09:00.002-05:00

Aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!

This is what I get for procrastinating at work....

I have no idea how to get the blog the way it was!

I hate this.

Was experimenting - stupid Blogspot.

Grrr....

Stay tuned for a layout that is less visually assaulting.

Spring Moment

2011-03-08T12:43:00.005-05:00

I have latched onto impending spring. With a death grip. Despite the current snow and snow forecasts, I am gleefully looking forward.

I came across this picture and I've hung it in our office as a reminder.

Instant happiness.

Randomness

2011-03-07T18:22:00.002-05:00

Do you ever flip between radio stations in your car and the second you hear it's a commercial, you hit the next one? Sometimes I play this little game where I take the first word I hear from each station and put it together in a sentence or phrase. Yes, sometimes I am bored on my commute.

Today the game created this gem: "Open up men's pyjamas conveniently"
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In other radio news, CHUM FM vows to play "Lady Gaga, Mariah Carey and everything in between!!" Um, who exactly would be in between these two extremes in musical stylings? Katy Perry? They're really limiting their range with that statement.
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My disproportionately fat fingers have once again caused people to think I am engaged. I usually try to wear the ring on my middle finger, but eventually it begins to cut off my circulation so I move it to my fourth finger. Three times in the last month someone has presumed I am betrothed to someone. Betrothed to bacon, more like. It's a lifelong union. We're very happy together.
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I recently read a survey where 86% of those questioned said that if they had the choice, they wouldn't remove a bad memory. I'm not sure I would say the same. Yeah, you can play the whole "everything, even bad things, molds us into the person we are today" thing, but I can think of a couple memories that I, the person I am today, could do without.

Big stuff aside, do you ever say or do something that makes you cringe in embarrassment when you think about it? One that always comes to mind is from a job interview during library school. After the interview went alright and I somewhat convinced them that I would be a keen and capable librarian, we all stood up and they ushered me out. As they shook my hand, they said something like, "Thanks for coming, it was great to meet you." - normal stuff. I don't know what was going through my head, but I must have still been nervous or relieved that it was almost over and I somehow I ended up shaking the interviewer's hand while saying, "There ya go!" There. Ya. Go. Not even 'you', but definitely 'ya' - like some back woods farmer who just gave a bale of hay to a horse. These were the last words I said at this interview. There ya go. Like they should be so pleased that I'm allowing them to shake my hand. Sort of what I imagine the Pope thinks when people kiss his insignia ring.

And of course, in true personal fashion, I can't leave it alone, I need to try and 'fix' it. I ran into the interviewer in the hallway later and while he might have already forgotten or maybe not even noticed, I brought it to the forefront of his mind again by sheepishly apologizing for it. There was no way to explain it so I tried to be charming instead.

I didn't get the job.

Every single time I remember this, I wince with emotional pain. Brutal.

Hello, are you there?

2011-02-23T19:58:00.002-05:00

Do you have a job?
Does it involve you sending emails?
Do you have a name?

Then you should be putting a signature with your contact information at the bottom of all your emails! There is no way around it. I've had it with having to go track down someone's phone number. How hard is it to throw your stuff at the bottom?!

The only thing I can think of that is more annoying when it comes to professional communication is the time I called a company looking to speak to a specific person and was told:
"Oh, um, actually, he doesn't take calls, like on a phone. You should just, like, friend him on Facebook and talk to him that way. *gum smack*"

I stared at the receiver for a few minutes in disbelief.

I didn't have Facebook. So, he didn't get the gig. Seriously, what is wrong with actually speaking on the phone? Oh, unless it's before a first date. Don't call me.

February Chills

2011-02-22T19:25:00.013-05:00

The scariest parts of my long weekend:

- Elevator ride to the 13th floor of a brand spanking new condo in West Queen West. So new, it wasn't even finished. Not quite sure it was safe for habitation yet, but after waiting three years, my friend Elo was moving in no matter what!

The elevator was made of wood and I'm pretty certain someone has already died in it. Elo told us a story about being trapped in it for an hour like it was no big deal. And what about the 13th floor thing? - I guess builders have stopped coddling us and pretending like it makes any sort of difference. When I lived in New York I lived on the 14th floor but of course everyone knew it was actually the 13th. The only bad luck I suffered that summer was...hmmm. Well, once I had a bruised peach and that kind of sucked. But other than that, the 13th floor curse was broken.

- The realization that 7 thirtysomethings could be mildly entertained for up to 3 minutes by lame shadow puppets. That we did this on a Friday night will drive Elo to get art for her walls, if nothing else. We had a pretty gripping plot going on with these characters. Don't worry, the bird and the dog with eyes got together in the end.

- Asian fly-by-night nail salon...in the daytime. You can call me a spa snob, but I'm not going to apologize for not wanting to risk getting a staph infection or fungus like Paula Abdul. I don't get manicures and pedicures often enough to have to be motivated by cost, but I got dragged to this hole in the wall on Barton Street and the $12 cost for my manicure was a lovely surprise.

While waiting an hour for our pre-booked appointment, I started taking matters into my own hands. The result was not unlike Nicki Minaj's hair - I always felt she was a kindred spirit.

Tracy, Dan and I spent almost all of the time laughing way more than one should in one of these places. Perhaps it was the acrylic nail paint fumes that hit us the second we walked in the door. One of the sources of our laughter:
I just noticed the money in her bra. This poster was right next to one that said "Touch of Class". Just a touch, though.

Side note: does anyone else feel that the word 'classy' has been completely robbed of its original meaning? Saying something is classy makes it actually sound tacky. How did that happen?

Indelible Adele

2011-02-22T19:01:00.007-05:00

I am blatantly scooping this from lovely Michelle's blog (www.msmeshell.blogspot.com)- with her clear permission though.

She posted these two songs on her blog last week and while I have heard of Adele in passing, these two videos blew me away and I am now an obsessed fan. Obsessed. I have listened to these two songs on repeat for three days straight.

Her voice is strong and amazing and the videos are beautiful and striking. If I change a couple words in my head, they're both wonderfully relevant too. Her CD came out today and I plan on buying it on Amazon right....now. Well, you know, once I make sure it's not cheaper at Costco.

I wish I could write songs. And I wish I could sing. And I wish I could sing songs that I wrote.

Until then, there's Adele.

Technology Trifecta

2011-02-20T21:17:00.007-05:00

I'm the first to admit that I'm not the most technologically advanced gal. My first computer, iPod, and cell phone were all gifts and I'm pretty sure that if I hadn't received them, I would have convinced myself that they were passing fads. I still happily buy CDs, just found out how to listen to a podcast and I remember being baffled by RSS feed in library school. Whatever. RSS is definitely a passing fad. Trust me.

I also occasionally tend to resist change or get a little anxious by it. Yep, yep, I'm a pretty 'with it' chick. So you can imagine my panic when in the course of one week I got a new cell phone, hooked up Internet service at my house and joined Facebook. Even as I type it, I'm feeling short of breath. Let's break it down.

Cell Phone:

This was my cell phone from 2004 until a week ago. 2004 - do you even remember what 2004 was like:

Now, for the record, I didn't see anything that wrong with it. Sure, it's as thick as a cheeseburger, makes that *click* noise when you open it (according to Susan - it's like fingernails on a chalkboard), still has an antenna and was a litte dinged up. But, it was still kicking. Sort of. Its ego was a bit bruised though. A sampling of the ridicule it received in recent years:

- Does that have a camera? Do you have to take it in to Black's overnight to get the pictures developed?

- Zack Morris called. He wants his phone back.

- Does that take film?

(Two of those were said to me by guys that I was on a first date with...)

Well, let me tell you about this sad little phone - it did pretty good for 'ole Winnie Cooper in the last 6 years. When I think of all the fun, friends and 3am texts it facilitated, well, it's been hard to let go. The clincher for me was when I was sitting in the freezing cold car trying to charge the phone (it no longer recognized the wall charger) while trying to talk over the incessant beeping. Plus, the antenna fell out under the seat. It was time for a change.

I got a Blackberry. I am one of the Blackberry nation now. It was quite a shock - there's so much on there! And I mistakenly linked it to nearly everything so every 30 seconds it was bing-bonging until I nearly lost my mind. Now, I'm a slave to that little red blinking light. And I have to check work email at home. But the upside is that the teasing has stopped. Except for those damn iPhoners. They think they're so superior.

Internet:

Doing all my emailing/blogging/judging of celebrities/trivia research at the office was becoming a problem; work really cut into that time for me. I was no longer able to "borrow" the service from the tenants so I thought I should bite the bullet.

It's glorious.

Facebook:

This was a surprise. I was a staunch hold-out...or so I thought. The recent conference I attended kept going on and on about social media. Once I learned that this was not simply seeing a movie with friends, I realized that I should probably get involved. My original plan was to join in order to create a profile for my work. Uh, yeah, I haven't done this yet. Instead, I got sucked in to the initial rush of everyone wanting to be my 'friend' and seeing how people from high school look now. That faded pretty quickly and I'm now left with a constant stream of information that doesn't seem to improve my life.

Sure, I got to creep some people and that was mildly entertaining. I also heard from some blasts from the pasts, but most of them have my regular contact information - why not just email me the old fashioned way? I've tried to be pretty stringent with my friend list but I did accept a couple people from high school that I haven't seen since then. I blame this on being in the throes of a 'friend' count competition with someone.

The technology trifecta has taken some time to get used to, but I have a feeling it's all here to stay. You heard it here first.

Randomness...with meat

2011-02-20T20:52:00.008-05:00

It's about time - I've been looking for a place to get my laundry done, Goji juice and my computer fixed. Oh, and I love how it's located in the deli on Queen Street.
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One of my monthly tasks involves inputing expenses - this little pattern was illuminating.

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I don't care what anyone says, this does not count as bacon. ------------------------------

My first experience with a Brazilian steakhouse was well worth the 2 hour wait - hmmm, maybe this 2011 patience thing is working out. Or maybe it was the vodka and cranberry. The concept is simple: meat, meat and more meat delivered to your table at a dizzying speed. There are more than 20 selections including prime rib with cheese and several options wrapped in bacon. Yep. A meal like this is guaranteed to require Tums at 3am. But, I maintain that it was worth it.

How bad is it....

2011-02-17T14:00:00.003-05:00

...if I heard a rip when I reached for a high shelf but am unable to find the gaping hole in my dress? And I have a client meeting in 30 minutes?

...if I subconsciously put a tissue in the sleeve of my shirt? I am a librarian, after all! At least officially - I wonder how long I can keep calling myself that before real libraries take offence?

...if I keep finding random roof shingles all over my neighbourhood...and they're mine? Can I just glue them back on and not worry about it too much?

...my lunches for the entire week thus far have been exclusively cheese, smoked salmon spread or a combination of the two?

...I am working on my first Power Point presentation, possibly ever, and I have almost no idea how to do it. It's a lot of pressure when you're the most techno-savvy in the office. And embarrassing when a 11 year old can do a better job of this.

Feeling the Love...

2011-02-15T16:08:00.006-05:00

What do you mean you can go too far with a theme?

Take a moment...

2011-02-10T17:32:00.005-05:00

I love going through the my day-to-day routine and being stopped in my tracks by something beautiful or amusing. Yes, it can happen in Hamilton. I'm going to try and capture those images when I can. It's the little things, people.

These things make me smile:

I stole this line from the movive "One Week", but I really like the idea behind it: I'm just looking for moments. It's easy to get caught up in everything that fills our lives, but when you try to just look for, focus on and remember the small moments, it takes the pressure off.

My favourite moments of the week so far:

- 12am laughter with an old friend - we should have been sleeping, but instead we were crying with the type of laughter that goes silent and makes your stomach hurt

- the sight of a man coming to my door with flowers

- the first bite of La Cantina's smoked salmon and spinach pasta in cream sauce

- the feel of zipping my over the knee suede boots up the back of my leg

- happily eating an entire baguette and the softest Brie with my boss and calling it lunch

For me, 2011 is all about searching for moments.